It has definitely been a while since I've posted. Part of me just doesn't even want to post anything because it seems so self seeking that someone would want to read what I have to say anyway. Who am I? ....don't answer that...I'm not sure I'd like the comments that would follow...
I've had some amazing moments over the last few months leading me to discover how very little I know and how very far I have to go. 

Today was a hard day. It was full of death, and tears and not just one death and not just one set of tears....many....many....tears. Actually come to think about it the last several days have pretty much been sucky with the whole movie theater shootings and then the loss of life that hits closer to home. From a friend losing both an aunt and an uncle....to a friend losing a five month old baby in her family...it all pretty much sucks when it happens doesn't it? 

I have a million things floating through my mind and all of it is centered on Hope...but I think I feel hope-LESS because no one wants to listen or hear the word HOPE. So I've reached a point where it's hard to even write about it because I don't want to be on a soap box while everyone around me runs for cover....afraid I might make eye contact....or say something crazy like:


Do you not know?    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,     and his understanding no one can fathom. 
He gives strength to the weary     and increases the power of the weak
Even youths grow tired and weary 
    and young men stumble and fall;  
but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;     they will run and not grow weary,    they will walk and not be faint.


Oh...I just want to shout it...those of you women who lay in bed with aching wombs, crying for your child you can no longer hold...desperate to calm the ache that you feel on your empty chest...there is HOPE in the Lord...there is Hope when you know this is not the end. For those of you fathers who ache for the voice of their child delighted to see him, there is hope everlasting in His arms....why do you wait and falter and avoid it? What do you have to lose that you haven't already lost? Not believing can take so much more than just being willing to break the silence and beg God for mercy and grace. 


You think I'm crazy? I know...it's ok. But from someone who has held the body of a lifeless baby boy, turned him over to a nurse with no emotional attachment, to send his body to a funeral home, put in a box and buried deep in the ground.... I need you to know... I have hope. His mercy is new every morning and GREAT is His faithfulness for He has delivered me from my sorry and has given me hope for the future and the promise of a new life where I will walk hand in hand with my son someday...


It doesn't mean I don't cry. It doesn't mean the pain is gone or that I don't miss him every day of my life, but I know the peace that passes understanding...that in the midst of my sorry and tears...there    is     hope....


there just is.

and it comes again...

I coulnd't write on Saturday. Not because I was overly emotional or because I forgot...only because I didn't know what to say. Will we do this ever year? Will I write to faceless people...some not faceless...the epic of the day...the one that never changes in our hearts? It never loses it's emotion, it's sadness, it's sorrow...it just is. And it will continue...year after year...after year...until He choses to take us home. At that point it won't matter because in my arms that boy will be. And I will hold him till every second my chest ached for him, till every time my arms felt empty, till every time my heart yearned to be back in that hospital room...if just to hold him one more time...till all of that washes away...and then maybe a few hours...days...months more...I will hold him.

I miss him so...oh...I miss him 

Santa aside, tree still stands

and all the lights are low

there in a room, far from reality

no one could change the blow.

White washed walls, a baby born

and quietly they wept

a sweet little baby, a tiny new body

a death they knew to expect

Unimaginable pain, unmatched agony

the clothes are laid aside

they kiss him lovingly, breathe deeply

this is the moment, this is the time

An ounce of hope, a promise made

this cannot be the end

A journey polished, that's what is promised

Mercy come now, grace attend.

Desperation sings, sorrow lifts

the time is now at hand

The Father arrives, takes the child

his new life now begins...

Hope in deliverance, joy in sorrow

Love that transcends all

Triumph infusing, grace in the using

Not my life, yet his...so small..

3 years and 13 days ago

September 8th, 2006...I was sitting in the car...the weather was much like it is today...rainy, cold, depressed...it was supposed to be a great day...

...and it was. It was the beginning of an awareness. A journey for new wisdom. An overflow of new knowledge. Many waste away on the journey...all survive...however, few give glory where glory is due. Where many would look at the sadness of the situation, the finality of a life...all I could do was think God is good...even when...and even if. Well, that isn't all that I thought. I thought 'how could this be happening to me?' and that answer hasn't come yet, and it doesn't need to. It did happen. It happened and an unborn baby boy woke me up. With every little kick, he increased an awareness that there is so much more to life. With every ultrasound, I was reminded death is not final. I had a baby boy who was going to prove to be amazing in the Kingdom and I get to be his mommy...forever.

The 8th slipped by me...so I just had to put it out there that the day may have slipped by, but I'll never forget it. The 8th of September is forever marked in my mind...just like the 11th of November, the 1st of August, the 21st of October and 5th of October...there are just some days that change your life forever. The question is...will it change you for the better? It did me.

Mommy misses you Isaac.

Missing a boy...

You know sometimes when I'm blog hopping, which I do frequently, I get stopped on a blog and begin to wonder why I'm not one of those bloggers.

I mean I started this blog with the intention of chronicling my journey with Isaac...it seems like I don't type or say that name enough. It seems like I am so busy with everything else the name Isaac is muffled and moved to the top shelf, waiting to be dusted off. I can not imagine that there has been a day that I have forgotten that I am not only The Bugs mom, Biscuits mom...but Isaac's mommy as well...but I think there have been those days. So I blog hop, and I read beautiful stories of how lives have been shaped, transformed, redeemed all at the feet of the Master when a child has been laid there...and I feel like I've missed out. In all reality though, I haven't. I have been shaped, transformed, redeemed and it has all been at the Masters feet, FOR the sake of the Master and most of it happened one day when I laid my boy there.

Don't think for second I don't miss him. Don't think for a second that now because Biscuits is here that we don't still feel like a family of 5. Don't think for one moment that I have forgotten I carried 3 babies in this body...I hate every minute of knowing I don't have him here growing with us. Living with us...playing. That does not mean I don't know I'm still blessed that he is with our Father. It doesn't mean I'm angry or that all of a sudden I'm changing my tune. It just really means I miss him...and I had to say that.

As I sit here writing, tears spilling down my face, what I want you to know is I miss Isaac Matthew and no one will ever take his place.

There are just some days where I just can't dang do it! I open up my laptop, log on to my favorite blogs and from there I start my 'Blog Jog' as I like to call it where I go from blog to blog seeing pictures and reading stories about other people.

Today...I kept landing on pages where babies...SWEET and precious babies are sick, or premie in the hospital...words of pain and anguish...scriptures...updates...ugh...and then I think...there are just some days when I can't dang do this...

Biscuits has his first fever so he slept next to me all night...hot and uncomfortable...and then he woke up at 5am to nurse and he looked at me through sickly little eyes and what did he do? SMILED...man I love this boy.

I don't have a scripture for myself this morning...all I know to say to myself is God is who He says He is, God can do what He says He can do, I am who God says I am, I can do all things through Christ, and God's word is alive and active in me.

So on days when Isaac is big on the brain, heavier on the heart...I don't want to rush to hold Asher to take that feeling away...Asher is Asher...I still miss my Isaac.

Headed to the doc with the boy. Love you all...all three of you that follow my blog :)

S

Trusting God With Our Nation

Over the last year the political tension has been building in these United States. You turn your radio on, it's on every station. You answer your phone and the local representatives are begging for your vote. We all know what the TV ads look like...who even wants to turn the TV on these days?

In my life time, I have not seen this much hoopla over an election. Each candidate is fighting for issues, slamming each other, and neither one are willing to admit their own failings. Instead its point their finger at each other and shame, shame, shame on you. The threat to national security, sanctity of marriage and the plight to save the unborn life is all paramount and weighs so heavy on our hearts. The choice for president has turned into an emotional decision. To be truthful, I have likes and dislikes about both candidates. But to even be more truthful, my dislikes outweigh the likes.

The question I have been asking myself these last few months is this: Is there a possibility that no matter who wins this election, God’s man will be our president? I think the answer to that (in my mind) is a resounding ‘Yes’. I could write a dissertation on the men used in the Bible who were not Godly saints…just so God could change a nation…but I don’t have time. I’m not saying we have no voice…and I’m not saying just because ‘God’s will be done’ it negates our responsibility to do what is right. What I’m saying is when did we decide God was not in control anymore?

There seems to be this out of control move to get people voting, because we are panicked that one or the other is going flush our country down the toilet. I’ve got news for you: We’ve been spinning in the bowl for a long time! This nation as a whole lost its perspective a LONG time ago. We no longer believe in ‘One nation under God’, let alone trusting Him that no matter what we decide, His will is going to be done and…AND…that it is what is best for us and for His kingdom. Here is my example on this (and yes a bit of a pro-life slant, but I believe I can speak on this one from experience):

I was asked several times in one day to have an abortion. I had a nurse look me in the eyes and tell me I was going to have a boy, ten fingers, ten toes, eyes, nose and mouth…and THEN ask me to terminate my pregnancy.

I have to interject this real quick…I believe abortion is murder and it if flat out wrong no matter what the circumstances….I do not however believe it ends a life. I believe if you are a woman who is agonizing over your decision to have an abortion, there is grace for you and there is hope. We can make horribly wrong decision in life, changing the course of our own forever, but your baby…lives. If we believe in eternal life, Heaven or hell, we know that there is no end. So if you are reading this and you are struggling, please know God is such a good and gracious God, He is not only willing to forgive you, but He’s also got your little one safe! It has taken me a long time to come to terms with women who abort, especially ones with babies that have a Trisomy disorder, but I want you to know that with all my heart I love you and I am praying for you.

Most of you know my story, but a piece you do not know is I had another condition that threatened my life if I carried to term and delivered. I knew without a shadow of doubt God was going to do what was necessary to protect me, even if that meant I would be delivered into His arms at the same time Isaac was. Was I scared? Yes. Did that sway me? NO. Why? Because I trust God and I know no matter what the outcome: He is in control. My other point is you may make all the right choices, but the outcome may not be what you want. I know I made the right choice to carry my son and deliver him, but in my heart I ache for him. I miss him so much and am holding tight to the day that dawns when I get to grab him and hug him and mother him like nobody’s business!

When I was pregnant with Isaac and getting ready to deliver him at 39 weeks, hoping and praying we would get to hold his BREATHING body for just a little while, it wasn’t about whether or not I had the right choice to not have an abortion, it wasn’t about whether I had made the wrong choice endangering my life, it was all about whether or not I had chosen to trust God and believed He was still in control NO MATTER THE OUTCOME.

So I beg the question do you trust Him that no matter what vote you cast He has it under control? I’m not choosing a savior for America with my vote…I already have one for my life. That is all that matters…and HE is still in control.

My prediction on who wins the election? God does. Whether it’s Obama or McCain, the battle belongs to our God…and we have already won.

I am the mother of Isaac...

A sweet friend directed me to a site last night that reminded me today is National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. On one hand I hated remembering and on the other I knew that it was a necessary reminder.

There is nothing that grounds you in reality more than the loss of a friend, parent, sibling or worse a child. The reality however does not always have to drop you into a depressive state. We all know it's horrible to lose someone, but I would hope you know this world is not our end. So it's time for me to tell the story again. I believe part of the ongoing grieving process of losing someone is to retell the story and realize the blessing in it. Here is my story:

On September 8th 2006 I sat anxiously awaiting the result of my 19 week ultra sound. For the event, my husband sat at my side and my mother and father stood watching the ultra sound tech scan my belly. With great excitement, we waited to hear the words "this is definitely a boy". Those words were perfect...and then preceded by sentences like "this looks normal" and "that is on track". As her words permeated the air, our perfect moment was covered with false assurance, and my heart began to sink. Why would she have the need to point out what was RIGHT? Slowly, she reached up, shut the machine off, turned to my mom and dad and said: "Why don't you go to the waiting room for a bit while I talk to mom and dad here." The world was crashing and the bed I was sitting on was the only thing holding me up. Everything in that instant seemed wrong. The color of the paint on the walls, the bed was cold, my hands ceased to work and my eyes could no longer see. The next words we heard were slow, precise and definite: "I believe your baby has Trisomy 18...." and then the long explanation of what that meant to two people who had never even been aware of the term. The short of it? Our baby was not going to live. We drove to a specialist within minutes where the #2 Doctor in the world for ultra sound technology confirmed the diagnosis. We were asked 4 times that day to terminate. We responded 4 times that day there would, under no circumstances be a time we would be responsible for ending this life. If God's will was to take our son, we would let Him do it on His terms, not ours.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and a name was bestowed on our son: Isaac Matthew Pipkin. He continued to thrive and live in me. The hardest part of the process was knowing as long as he was inside me, he was safe. However we grounded ourselves in the reality there would be a time when he HAD to come out. He had to meet his fate and journey on to the next thing God had planned for him. We had to meet our fate and journey on to the next thing God had planned for us. We lived day by day in the trenches with God. We begged for Him to ease our pain, we cried in His arms and spent many nights reading the words in Isaiah "our God is an everlasting God..." this was not the end...

On January 2nd at 39 weeks gestation, Isaac met the pain of the world and never drew a breath. You may read this and think 'how horrible' but here is where it gets good. God spared us and our son in more ways than one. When Isaac's heart stopped beating minutes before he was born I was spared the torment of holding him, watching his every move, listening to his every breath...wondering if that was the last one. I held him in my arms, examining every toe, every fingernail...he was a perfect 3lb baby. He was beautiful and he will ALWAYS be my first son. I held him in my arms while God held me in his.

I believe Isaac still lives, this is not the cliche "he will always live in my heart", his life is real and he is thriving. God has a plan for Isaac and it's a plan that can not be understood in human terms. I believe that about all our babies lost before they get to have life here on earth. We lose them in our understanding, but we gain them for eternity. Our world is so temporary. If a God could create THIS for us, I can't imagine what he has in store for us in our future life. I have said it a million times and I will continue to say it, I am blessed above mothers...my son was chosen by God before he had to make the decision to chose God. We raise our babies into adults and agonize over whether they will make that choice. The right choice.

God never promised life was going to be a blast of fun. What I can tell you is when you hit the bottom of desperation and He picks you up to hold you close, the peace that is promised to us, THAT peace is real. There is joy in pain. There is blessing in trouble. There is calm in the storm. God is good even when....and even if....

God is real, He chose Isaac and He is holding out for you...

On December 24th, 2006 my best friend and another sweet friend gave me a gift. Bigger than normal gifts, it was not merely a gift found in a perfect package, but one of self sacrifice. I had been praying I would make it through Christmas and the end of the year before Isaac came. In silence the two joined me by fasting without my knowledge to pray that we would make it. To commemorate my journey they also gave me a charm bracelet with two sets of baby booties: one for a girl, and one for a boy. Both charms had my sweet little ones name engraved on them...but only one so far had a birth date. Not much time needed to pass before we had the date January 2nd, 2007 engraved on Isaac's charm and that bracelet became my link to him. I would wake up feeling like I'd climbed a mountain and just the touch of my baby charms made me feel reconnected with life. I hung on to it and held it close to me at all times because it was so so precious, yet somehow...in the summer of 2007...my bracelet disappeared. Up until a few weeks ago, I would still tear the house apart and cry all the while for God to bring it back. It had been almost a year, and it had been such a hard year. I thought for sure God was going to deliver us out of the pit we had ended up in. That my husband would find a new job, that business would be good, that everything around me would be glorious ALL because I had been obedient. Talk about some shame. January 2nd 2008 rolled around and I could not lift my eyes up to heaven for fear of being called out as a total fraud. I stood in the shower adding more tears to the water than the pipes where asking our Father to please forgive me, please heal my unbelief, that I really did trust Him and I would follow Him "Even if..." and "Even when".

As the words rolled off my tongue my phone rang. Wet arms grabbed the call as my husband was trying to reach me to give me the news that he had been offered a new job...minutes away from home...and more money...and he was so happy. The later was all I cared about. The tone of his voice was relieved and peaceful...and he quietly said to me "baby, it's all going to be ok...2008 is really going to be our year". Only moments before I had felt so defeated, I felt like nothing would change and now...NOW...I was carrying another baby and what would that mean for this little one. What if beyond Isaac's purpose in Heaven, it was also a test for my faith and life. Had I passed? Would I have to take the test again? What would prove me authentic? Would God ever really have all of me...ALL the time? You see, I know He has me, but like so many of us, I fall short of the consistency of ALL the time. I so desperately want to give Him ALL of me ALL the time. He is not here for crisis management. He's the creator of the day timer for Pete's sake! He is our every second, of every day. All of me....

So between January 2nd and January 18th, things started to change, but an upset started in the Pipkin house I was not prepared for. I found out a few days before Isaac's birthday that the cemetery had never delivered and placed Isaac's headstone. To make a very long story short, the DA was called to be involved, attorneys' were alerted, the media was contacted and my husband turned into a Lion...and the manager of the cemetery quickly promised my husband the headstone would be in place no later than the 20th of January. So now the 18th rolled around. Hallie was with Grandma and Grandpa Pipkin while Jason and I goofed off and eventually met the greatest friends we have ever been blessed with at the Melting Pot for a beautiful dinner. Dessert rolled around and our waiter came over after passing the plates around and said to me "let me go ahead and change out that plate for you" and placed a new plate with a gift on it in front of me. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was going on, but I looked at Joni and realized the shape of the box and started crying right away. The box contained a bracelet...a new one...and new charms were on their way. It was a new beginning. A new bracelet...a new start...God's timing was as usual perfect.

This week has a lot. Let me break down what I believe is truly the beginning for us:
Saturday - new bracelet
Sunday - Isaac's headstone was confirmed in place, and Hallie...the big sister got to finally see where her brother was laid to rest
Sunday afternoon - my Bible study so appropriately was on Abraham and the test of sacrificing Isaac - I cried all the way through as I remembered it's not the test but our obedience that is important - Will we give Him all of us...ALL the time
Tuesday - Jason starts his new job
Thursday - the test to know if our new baby is ok.
Friday - just breath and praise Him "even if...and even when..."

6 Days...& Trying NOT To Count

I had a fantastic closing today where God granted me the opportunity to share His recent moment of glory in my life. As I spoke the words I could feel myself checking that balance of belief vs. forced comments. It is so hard to not make the words a routine. The battle rages on in my heart to become as authentic as He wants me to be and I just fail time and time again. In any case...it just dawned on me one year ago this time I was sitting with my family around me waiting for the days to roll past with great anticipation of what was to come. Terrified my heart would not survive it, already broken by the uncertain future, but most of all...resigned that God is good...even if.

Faith in the midst of tragedy. Standing firm for who God called you to be even if you don't like the road you just ended up on. Actually...forget the word like...it's more like crawling out of your skin, wish you were a different person, want to run away from all of it, forget this road I'm on... You get the point. You face the waves of life daily, but this is the monsoon. You wake up in the morning and pull the covers over your head when you realize it really wasn't a dream and this is reality.

Somehow...somewhere in the midst of the pain and agony resonating through your body (a very physical pain) you steal moments with the Father that bring inexplicable joy. You pour over the book of Isaiah filled with the promise of redemption and life everlasting, allowing your tears to spill onto the words of the page, marking them forever with the memory of that moment...and He holds you and whispers "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." In the sobs of the greatest pain of your life you breath in His joy...because He is peace in the midst of trials, joy in the pain of agony, love in the world love lost, comfort in the place that can't be comforted...He is God...and He is there...and He is good...even if.

So as the days approach and the sadness of what was lost grows, the joy of what was gained increases more. The day should not be filled with shadows or grieving. Tears will flow, but so will His mercy...and I will remember the words so sweetly spoken to my heart "Do you not know? Have you not heard? I AM the everlasting God..."

letting go...

On January 2nd 2007 I had this moment...in the midst of agony and grief and fear, I asked my Savior for what seemed like the 100th time "how do I let go?". I knew, with every fiber of my being I was not strong enough to physically hand my sons body to a nurse, never to see his little face again on this earth. I waited trembling in anticipation for God to show up big in that hospital room. I waited for His voice to break thru the chaos and shake the windows of the room with words of comfort and wisdom. Something huge had to happen! After all this was my son, my ONLY son, so it had to be a big show by The Jehovah! Hadn’t I proved my faithfulness? My willingness to walk the path He had chosen for me? Was it too much to ask that He show up mightily in that little room? I waited, but there was no booming voice. There were no fireworks. There was no distant light that showed us a vision of our Father taking Isaac safely into His arms. So I held my son’s lifeless body close to me and sobbed again, “Father, how do I let go?” and ever so gently I heard His voice say “you just do.” Could it really be that simple? That plain?


I did manage to get thru it. By the grace of our Father, I managed to hand over my son into eternal rest. All the while the words “this baby has no heart beat” were ringing in my ears, but I left that hospital and days later I remembered something about another birth that was plain. One that was simple and unnoticed. A child was born in a manger with one purpose, to give his life away on a cross.


You may think my sharing this is overly personal, but what I know about this experience is this: My God does not make mistakes. I did not walk this road in vain to become silent at the end. This is a continuation of His story. Do not ever doubt His calling over your life to tragedy and expect that He will abandon you on your road. He is mighty and His strength is perfect. And whether He chooses to show up with fireworks and shake the ground, or to simply slip in unnoticed until the right time and whisper the perfect words to us, that is His call. But praise and glory be to our Heavenly Father, because He WILL show up.

Life as it is...

I have to tell you I'm not much of a blogger. I have another blog set up on myspace...yes I know the pit of sin, but someone has to be real in that place. My whole purpose of having that site was to keep an eye on 'my girls'. I would hope we can encourage them to be authentic in their walk with the Lord, EVEN in a place where they could potentially be anything they want.

So here we are. It is June. My last post turned into a heartbreaking reality. January 2nd I had Isaac. My silence was frustrating for some of you, but I am so blessed to have all of you as friends and have never for one second taken for granted how precious each and every one of you are to me.

This has been the hardest experience of my life, and in a lot of ways the journey has only just began. I was aware I would not know how hard it would be to let go until I was there having to do it. No words will ever be able to express the pain that lives in my heart. I will miss Isaac every day of my life. Last night I read a verse in Psalm that says "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." I expect to be singing for a long time after this!

I am physically working thru a lot of different pains, but all things considered we are doing as well as we can be.

Thank you all so much. You will never know the impact each of you have had on my life and I just can not even begin to express how much I appreciate your prayers and your friendship and your constant concern for us. Just so you all know, Hallie is doing fine. She has only asked once about 'my' baby and we gave her the honest answer that God needed our baby to do something else for him, but we would get to keep the next one, and she was satisfied with that answer. Jason is hanging in there and stands with me in the waves of pain and tears. We will, by the grace of our Father make it thru this. We believe in His blessings over our life and continue to lean on His understanding and not our own.

On Monday January 8th 2007 we laid our baby Isaac Matthew Pipkin to rest. He was buried next to his cousin Alexander Paul Skorick.

just a few minutes...

I think most people are surprised with a few things when they see me. One is that I'm still pregnant; the other is that I'm most likely smiling. Everyone keeps asking if there have been any change to the diagnosis. When I say that it is what it is and all we can ask for is a little bit of time, there is this look that comes across their face that is shock laced with a bit of confusion (I'm guessing this is where my mood or response confuses them.) I thought about this a little more and reflected on how many times I say to myself "I just can't imagine going thru that..." and then I realized you can't imagine it until you are there and this great thing called "survival" kicks in. I like to call survival = grace. Lord knows this road would not be bearable unless He was carrying me, as a matter of fact I don't think I'm walking on my own at all at this point.


So the truth...there are moments that I catch myself holding my breath. I feel the emotion welling up inside me and it sticks right in my throat. And that desperate feeling overwhelms my heart and I stop to take part in that moment of realization and these words wash over me again...and again...and again: "I can't believe this is happening to me". So truth be known, the pain can not be measured, but the promise of a blessing beyond this can't either. How beautiful is that that our God promises to carry us, attend to us, love us, and give us His strength when we call out for it! The one thing I love the best about His plan is that death is not the end. I will hold my son someday and he will be full of stories about his life with the great prophets and what he learned from his great grandpa and grandma.


Tearfully I accepted the other day that he is blessed even more than I in that he never has to make a choice of who to believe in. We take this world full of immorality and seduction head on when we become parents and we strive to raise our children with morals and values and an understanding of life beyond what we visualize here on earth. We arm them with all the right information and release them into the very world we try to protect them from to make their own decisions, all the while praying and agonizing that we've done right by them. All the while hoping they embrace God as their heavenly father...and here Isaac is...and God chose him before the agony even had to begin.I just want to hold him and kiss him and love him, because it only takes a few minutes to indulge your child with those things and they know with every fiber of their being that their mommy or daddy love them incomparably…and that is all they need. I believe Isaac already knows it, I'm sure of it, but this time…mommy needs it.


I will forever be in love with Isaac Matthew Pipkin. And when people ask me those questions about his diagnoses and I exclaim there is no change, he will not live, I truly do mean it when I say "all I need is a few minutes…".

It occurred to me today the journey set before me is very much part of the voyage I have already been on. We often look back at our past with regrets. When was the last time we looked back and thought “What a blessing!”?

I was listening to the words in a song that lyric:
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I see so many life experiences and failed dreams when I hear that song, and then I see my daughter’s arms wrapped around me. I see my husband, my family, and my home. I see the heartbreak our family experienced at the loss of my nephew Alex and the joy his brother Niko pours over our lives. Of course I see the future joy and pain we will experience the day we hold our son for the first time. My past has been very much a road of wisdom gained as I have been prepared for each blissful and sorrowful event of my life. “For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief” Ecclesiastes 1:18.

I believe where joy and sorrow meet our past and our present collides. Our true test comes in whether we are prepared to use the tough experiences that broke us to touch other lives and help heal their past for their journey ahead. Are we keeping the most painful, most embarrassing experiences tucked away inside? What was the experience worth if we can’t share it? I think about those times when I can sit with a friend and cry because I know everything she is experiencing. How sweet it feels when I can avail myself to vulnerability in telling her “here’s what to expect on the other side, I know, I’ve been there”. Those words mean so much more to a suffering friend than ‘Everything happens for a reason’. There is nothing worse than an out of touch saying extended to someone in pain. What we do know is the sorrow is not meant to last forever.

Have you shared your past? Reflect on it, I would surmise if you’re holding on tight to your secrets, you have probably never healed from them. Have courage, our Father is faithful and our lives aren’t accidents, just like our life experiences aren’t accidents. Your past was meant to happen for a reason, the road you are on today is just where you are supposed to be. Don’t forget to praise Him for your past, as tough as it was, there really was a blessing in it, and you just might not have found it yet. And remember in the midst of our most painful moments, we are being shaped for the road ahead.

Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end. Isaiah 60:20