I think most people are surprised with a few things when they see me. One is that I'm still pregnant; the other is that I'm most likely smiling. Everyone keeps asking if there have been any change to the diagnosis. When I say that it is what it is and all we can ask for is a little bit of time, there is this look that comes across their face that is shock laced with a bit of confusion (I'm guessing this is where my mood or response confuses them.) I thought about this a little more and reflected on how many times I say to myself "I just can't imagine going thru that..." and then I realized you can't imagine it until you are there and this great thing called "survival" kicks in. I like to call survival = grace. Lord knows this road would not be bearable unless He was carrying me, as a matter of fact I don't think I'm walking on my own at all at this point.
So the truth...there are moments that I catch myself holding my breath. I feel the emotion welling up inside me and it sticks right in my throat. And that desperate feeling overwhelms my heart and I stop to take part in that moment of realization and these words wash over me again...and again...and again: "I can't believe this is happening to me". So truth be known, the pain can not be measured, but the promise of a blessing beyond this can't either. How beautiful is that that our God promises to carry us, attend to us, love us, and give us His strength when we call out for it! The one thing I love the best about His plan is that death is not the end. I will hold my son someday and he will be full of stories about his life with the great prophets and what he learned from his great grandpa and grandma.
Tearfully I accepted the other day that he is blessed even more than I in that he never has to make a choice of who to believe in. We take this world full of immorality and seduction head on when we become parents and we strive to raise our children with morals and values and an understanding of life beyond what we visualize here on earth. We arm them with all the right information and release them into the very world we try to protect them from to make their own decisions, all the while praying and agonizing that we've done right by them. All the while hoping they embrace God as their heavenly father...and here Isaac is...and God chose him before the agony even had to begin.I just want to hold him and kiss him and love him, because it only takes a few minutes to indulge your child with those things and they know with every fiber of their being that their mommy or daddy love them incomparably…and that is all they need. I believe Isaac already knows it, I'm sure of it, but this time…mommy needs it.
I will forever be in love with Isaac Matthew Pipkin. And when people ask me those questions about his diagnoses and I exclaim there is no change, he will not live, I truly do mean it when I say "all I need is a few minutes…".