The last year of our marriage has been one God moment after another. If anyone has a doubt as to His existence, we can prove them otherwise over and over at this point. The biggest testimony to His work in me is that you are still here with me.
Nine years ago today I woke up without one doubt in my mind or heart that I was getting ready to seal a part of the plan God had ordained over my life from the moment of His weaving me in the womb. There was never a man that stirred my heart the way you had. You were meant for me. At times over the years I haven't treated you as the gift that you are. This passed year...I have done and said a lot of stupid things. I have broken your heart, made you cry, doubted His plan, run away from you and hurt you so many times. For that..I am so sorry. And for that...I am so greatful for your forgiveness.
Jason, no one ever made me feel the safety I felt when I was in your arms. I still feel that way after 12 years of being in your arms. I can't tell you how happy I am to know that I get to have that for the rest of my life. I never in my wildest dreams thought we would be here today, loving each other the way we do with the security that our relationship has been ordained by the King Himself and NO ONE can tear that apart. You are mine.
I am more in love with you than I ever thought possible. When I look at you, I don't just see a guy that I share a house with and 3 babies with...I see a really hot man who makes my knees week and my tummy fill with butterflies. I look at you and I can't believe you still want anything to do with me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for not giving up on us.
I love you Jason. Happy Anniversary.
Years ago...when I was in college...which really was years and years ago....I took a persuasive writing class. I really wasn't that into school and I had yet to declare a major, so I would pick classes that seemed to be easy enough to get through. I can't even tell you what my thesis was on for this class other than it had something to do with G. Gordon Liddy, and don't even ask me what I could have possibly persuaded people about when it came to Liddy...the answer to that is I have no clue. But I wrote it and I turned it in and I passed...so really does anything else matter?
As any self respecting college student would do, I wrote my first assignment hours before it was due. Due to the complicated nature of the assignment and my lack of hours researching for the paper, I opted to write a paper on why you should have fish for pets instead of cats or dogs. It was very remarkable and earned me an outstanding grade as well as a proclamation from my teacher that she had declared my major for me...and it would be English. Ask me how far that has taken me...no don't...no...yea no...
Anyway, God showed me that my writing capabilities are dwindling due to my lack of ...well...writing AND listening to Him. So I have made the commitment to write. I am writing to write and I don't know what I'm writing about....except for writing. Are you on the edge of your seat yet? (insert cricket noises here) Well of course you are! All this really is leading up to something I promise.
Several months ago I woke up in the middle of the night from a horrible dream...for those of you who dream about showing up to work without
undies pants...or school without your homework...this was NOT one of those dreams. This was a dream about being left behind. The rapture had taken place, and I was still here...it goes much deeper than this...but what I want to convey to you is the depth of pain with which my soul cried out. I literally went into the hallway and got flat on my face and begged the Lord to speak so that I would know the dream was not real. As tears soaked the fibers underneath my face I realized His peace was covering my soul and I was not deserted. A fire began in me to stop the 'general' pursuit of Bible Study and increasing my 'book smart' knowledge of Him and change to a pursuit of 'everything in action'. I realized that early morning that we REALLY ARE only here for a short time. And we REALLY DON'T know the hour or the day...
The wheels on our life are beginning to pick up speed and more and more we see there is something bigger going on and we begin to question what is He going to use us for and where are we going... Then I realized I don't want to just read about what other people are doing for the Kingdom, I want to do! Then this other question started nagging at me 'What is the point of what I do now?'. How does my daily work impact the Kingdom? Then the fire of questions caught wind and one of the words blowing through the flames was: 'Write'. So I said: 'okay, I will write, but You realize who your asking to write...right?' And answering my one question with one word He said 'You'. And with that He has began to answer me with new things...demolishing insecurities...highlighting new needs that require more reliance on Him...interjecting new thoughts and ideas that are so fresh and real. So often I have a tendency to sit and write about Him, instead of to Him. So often I have a tendency to talk about Him, instead of listen to Him. So often, when I hear Him say...'I want to use you...now write' I have a tendency to say 'who am I?' and 'what for?'. Then I realized that my own insecurity was leading me to sin. My overwhelming fear of falling prey to pride and attention was giving way to the enemy to keep me silent and directly disobeying our Father. I have been called to be DOING this whole time...but I was HIDING instead...and for what?
So today...new thing...I'm obeying and writing. I'm believing God has a lot of things to say and I'm believing I can be used in that. FOR HIS GLORY ONLY. Not my will but thine o Lord that Your name might be proclaimed throughout Heaven and Earth.
I may not always have insightful things to say...but I want to DO...so I will. That is all I have to say today...well till my daughter gets in the car and tells me about which boy she chased today and then she will get the next earful.
Go use your gift. He gave it to you for a reason. Make the commitment to take the seat of responsibility He is offering you. The work is hard, the reward is better.
Love you all,