it's time...

moving on....

7 years ago I started this blog with the intention that it would help relieve some of the words building in my heart that were pressing in and causing so much pain....

I just feel like it's time to move on.

This is so hard for me. I didn't realize how attached I was to this space, but I know that we all need new chapters and I think I'm actually ready for a whole new book.

I love you all. I will keep writing...and have started already...but it's going to be in a new place...


it always seemed so trivial to me when people started new blogs...but I kinda get it now. See you someplace new.

love you all




I'm writing this from my phone...in bed...mind swirling with overwhelming thoughts and my heart is so heavy.

Have you ever thought to thank God that you know how to read? That you were born in a country where it was just a given that by age 5 you would know how to write your name? Yes...these are the things I'm thinking about. These are the things that are keeping me awake because my heart is so burdened with grief that it might explode.

The meeting was about an organization called Africa Hope. The founder shared that refugees and immigrants..mostly women and children come to America and are given 8 months of assistance and in that 8 months they are expected to learn English and find a job. Not so bad right...? I mean it's America! Land of the free...educated...capable. And here she is...the average immigrant, refugee...with a gift card for the grocery store and not only does she not know how to get there, she doesn't know what it is, where to put the food if she does manage to get it and guess what? She can't read and she can't even write her own name. But in 8 months...she's supposed to have a job and speak the language.  She is the provider...where do you think she'll end up? I'm sure there are plenty of men ready and willing to get her into the oldest profession in the world.

I'm sick. I love the ministry and I love the privilege I'm being given to help...but I have to ask...have you ever thanked God for the ability to write your own name?

Well you should.

The ministry is Africa Hope. The goal? Give these women the tools to learn english, and teach them how to find what they are good at so one day they can fill out an application, speak English in an interview, and get a job. They clothe them, bring Christmas, feed their babies, and help them find Hope.

My heart is bursting. I am so very grateful that for some crazy reason, I was born an American, learned how to write my name when I was 4 and now I'm able to teach a woman how to do it when she's 40. How did I get so lucky?

Thank you lord.


It has definitely been a while since I've posted. Part of me just doesn't even want to post anything because it seems so self seeking that someone would want to read what I have to say anyway. Who am I? ....don't answer that...I'm not sure I'd like the comments that would follow...
I've had some amazing moments over the last few months leading me to discover how very little I know and how very far I have to go. 

Today was a hard day. It was full of death, and tears and not just one death and not just one set of tears....many....many....tears. Actually come to think about it the last several days have pretty much been sucky with the whole movie theater shootings and then the loss of life that hits closer to home. From a friend losing both an aunt and an uncle....to a friend losing a five month old baby in her family...it all pretty much sucks when it happens doesn't it? 

I have a million things floating through my mind and all of it is centered on Hope...but I think I feel hope-LESS because no one wants to listen or hear the word HOPE. So I've reached a point where it's hard to even write about it because I don't want to be on a soap box while everyone around me runs for cover....afraid I might make eye contact....or say something crazy like:

Do you not know?    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,     and his understanding no one can fathom. 
He gives strength to the weary 
    and increases the power of the w
Even youths grow tired and weary 
    and young men stumble and fall;  
but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;     they will run and not grow weary,    they will walk and not be faint.

Oh...I just want to shout it...those of you women who lay in bed with aching wombs, crying for your child you can no longer hold...desperate to calm the ache that you feel on your empty chest...there is HOPE in the Lord...there is Hope when you know this is not the end. For those of you fathers who ache for the voice of their child delighted to see him, there is hope everlasting in His arms....why do you wait and falter and avoid it? What do you have to lose that you haven't already lost? Not believing can take so much more than just being willing to break the silence and beg God for mercy and grace. 

You think I'm crazy? I know...it's ok. But from someone who has held the body of a lifeless baby boy, turned him over to a nurse with no emotional attachment, to send his body to a funeral home, put in a box and buried deep in the ground.... I need you to know... I have hope. His mercy is new every morning and GREAT is His faithfulness for He has delivered me from my sorry and has given me hope for the future and the promise of a new life where I will walk hand in hand with my son someday...

It doesn't mean I don't cry. It doesn't mean the pain is gone or that I don't miss him every day of my life, but I know the peace that passes understanding...that in the midst of my sorry and tears...there    is     hope....

there just is.


O Lord My God...

I was cleaning my kitchen this morning and reflecting on days when I was about 8 or 9. I would be cleaning in the kitchen with my mom. I can almost transport to our kitchen in Belgrade where the smell was fattening, the food was amazing and the milk was sometimes scary...but the sound was always singing...

I loved hearing my mom sing in the kitchen and the old hymns we have long since left behind echo in that memory. As I'm cleaning my own kitchen the words amplify and they spill out of a voice so unworthy:
O Lord my God,
When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the works thy hands hath made....

Then I just decided on a whim to see what I could find online to listen to as I finish the kitchen. I'm sure you've seen the video below, but if you haven't... get a kleenex...this is amazing and it filled me so much today!

Be blessed today, 




It has been a long time since I've posted anything. It has been even longer since I felt the need to write something and get it over here on the blog. So I guess that begs the question...where have I been? I'll answer that the in the form of a story. 

Two and a half years ago I stood on unfamiliar ground. Not only was it unfamiliar, it was a place I never thought I'd be. I had given up, crossed my arms, turned my back and snubbed my nose at the all too familiar Hand reaching out to guide me. I was angry, overwhelmed and discontent. Not to mention sick and tired of towing the line and pretending like it was all going to turn out okay. So instead of submitting to Gods will and being obedient...I said 'na a' and I ran. The further I ran, the darker it got, the darker it got, the more jumbled my thoughts became. The more jumbled my thoughts became, the less I could write and before I knew it I was empty. A vessel waiting to be filled up with beautiful words that would grace the page of my blog. Nothing.  After running for so long...I tripped. I fell hard and landed in a pool of emotional shame and helplessness. The Hand was there and this time, I grabbed fast and held tight. 

Days came and went, months passed and then a year rolled around...then another. We worked hard, He and I and him (the man of my half). We battled and won and battled some more. I was asked if I was going to write. I tried, and sometimes it worked, but mostly it didn't. I was fully aware God wasn't finished with the lesson. The war had subsided and then still...He and I had things to work out. Hard things. Just the two of us. But I was busy most of the time. Who has time for working on self? It had to happen though....and then it did. I started reading a book a friend gave to me. I stopped moving, and I started listening...we started talking...the two of us and He said: 'You are always running ahead of me. When you run ahead of me you step out of my light and my leading and then you wonder why you're so exhausted and life is so hard. Stop leading and let Me. I will set the pace.'  Then the conversation settled into my moving ahead of Him and taking on things I hadn't asked to take on. I've had to confess a lot of sin in that area. I have filled my time up with plans and products and even Bible studies and it's messy. And I didn't ask permission...I ran ahead. I argued when my husband would point it out and in my 'sales' nature, I would justify it and make it sound so 'right'. He would concede and I would run again. I had to confess to my husband too, that nature of moving forward without asking, or discussing. I know some of you women are cringing, but without wanting to sound too old fashion, there is something right about making decisions together and leaning on your husbands wisdom. All to often we jump ahead of the game assuming whatever we have on our schedule is for the betterment of our family. We take on things because we're the 'responsible' one. We don't discuss, we don't ask, we just do. We run and run and run. 

I have confessed the moving ahead. I have looked at the path ahead of me and have acquiesced ...'Yes, please clear the way'. I want to be obedient. I want to steady my pace and follow Him. Then...this thing happened. The empty vessel. Dry, cracked, dusty...long since forgotten...was teeming with words. Words of humility and brokenness and grace. My mind was flooded with sentences and poetry and my hand longed for the gratifying feel of a good pen. My senses yearned to breath in the pages of a new journal and touch the crispness of the paper. And then He said it: 'write.'

And so I write. While there is so much swirling around in my head and I want to keep going and going, I also want to wait on His word, steady my pace, and follow. I will write as He leads. No promises for daily musings or ostentatious posts. But I will be here in months to come. Because He says 'write'. 

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure, 
because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead
nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand. 
Psalm 16:9-11

Love you all,



in mourning...

I'm not going to lie...I'm depressed...I'm in mourning...I'm trying to figure out how in the world this happened...but it did. I blinked, and it was over. Now in two days (COUNT THEM...1, 2) Summer is over. How is this possible? I'm certain I missed something. I was sure we had more warm weather left in us...but if this morning is any indication...not so much. The pools are closed, the flipflops tucked under the shoe shelf...the sweaters have come down and the shorts have moved up...(sob...) So in my protest...I went yesterday...and I tanned...you say 'oh no you didn't' and I say 'oh yes I most certainly did'. So THERE. I figure I might as well look tan in my sweaters until I can accept the loss...by then it will be next Summer so I think it's a good plan. 

Glad I got that off my chest. So here is our world right now. The man is hunting for 9 days...not sure how that happened, but it did and I'm working on acceptance of him being gone that long and leaving me with these other two house mates...they have proven to be relentless this week. I never realized how much the bug talks till I was the only adult at home for her to talk to. I'm constantly plagued with this question from her: 'so mom...can I talk to you' and I of course say: 'ummm....no' and then she talks my ear off for the next hour. THEEENNN we take a 5 minute break and this goes on and on. This is why the gym comes in so handy. I can drop them off at kids club and work out for 1 1/2 hours without anyone interrupting me to talk to me. This is nice. 

The boy is just as wild as ever...and even more so. As you can see I did not manage to give him away...this turned out to be a good thing since I've decided he is great entertainment to have around...he makes us laugh. 

On a personal note my back and hips are still a wreck...but oh well. I have managed to go one whole year without any steroids. This has proved to be wonderful for the fitting of the jeans...that and the working out and newly found wheat allergy...I have embarked on a new frontier...36 and pre wedding weight... A-MAZING. Really who cares but me? 

So that about sums up our life. The world is still in motion...obviously spinning out of control and hiding in some obscure shadow away from the Sun...

If you need me and can't find me ... it's probably because I'm on a beach somewhere where it's Summer. 

Love you all..




I'm behind on posting to you about Ruth. I'm so sorry, but I promise to get the last few weeks posted soon. The last 2 weeks have been filled with illness in our house and unexpected disruptions. I...have been interrupted...a LOT.

I have been interrupted by vomit, phone calls, the constant call of 'MOMMY', work, dishes, phone calls, potty training accidents, doggy (who should be trained) accidents, vacuuming, dusting, best friend having unexpected surgery, more phone calls, more MOMMY calls and fear, fear, fear....f  e  a  r .  

Fear has interrupted my life...and I'm not all too happy about it. 

I have a natural fear of losing one of my kids...I think it's totally normal for a mommy to have some level of fear over her children. I might say mine is heightened a little after losing Isaac, but it's fear all the same. A week ago tomorrow I was looking smack dab in the eyes of men on the Jefferson County SWAT team called in to look for a gunman at the pool the kids and I were hanging out at. A man...with a gun...was close....close enough that I was standing in disbelief while the crowd around me accounted for the children that belonged to them....while a guy with a fully loaded automatic weapon took notes... fear....

I'll spare you the details. The event still seems so random and surreal....but real enough that it has conjured up ridiculous emotions in me. I have come to the realization that even though there are over 300 versus in the Bible pertaining to fear...that just doesn't make me feel better. Here's the reality (which inevitably brings up a question some of you will ask), bad things happen. And the question (drum roll please) 'Why does God let bad things happen to good people'. My answer? God doesn't label each one of our lives with stickers and timelines of what bad things will happen to us on a particular given day. Actually...I believe it grieves Him deeply to watch us suffer. I don't believe He's sitting in the sky with a magic wand pointing at us saying hocus pocus spells to make something bad happen... we live in a fallen world where we have been given free will and where free will allows people to make bad choices. We live in a world where people who make bad choices cause people like me to have bouts of insane fear that I have to work through. We live in a world where the actions of one person can cause thousands upon thousands of people to tremble... Where the actions of one man can cause a child who doesn't deserve to live in fear draw deeper and drink from the well of anxiety and distress.

I think my next post might be titled 'anger' since now I'm just ticked several of my days have been severely interrupted by one man holding a gun...

That's my rant for now. In all reality I feel much better and it's not just because I used the word 'vomit' in this post...however that does make me giggle a little...

I will return with a post on Ruth soon...I promise...and I still owe you women a good whoopin' in a post on marriage.

Love you all,