I woke up this morning and no joke was singing this song in my head:
This world is not my home,
I'm just passing through
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue.
The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.
O Lord you know I have no friend like you
If Heaven's not my home, then Lord what will I do?
The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.
I seriously don't think I've sung that song in 15 years. I kind of giggled thinking about how some of those old hymns are really good at articulating how we feel...just in a very hokey way...but I know it wasn't hokey back then so please don't send hate mail!
In any case, I woke up feeling uncomfortable with life. I do this every once in a while...when we start moving towards serious change I just start feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. The ground underneath me seems to move...I get quiet, pull away and spend a LOT of time praying and thinking. This in the past has resulted in my hubby thinking I'm angry...but I'm not...just a tinsy winsy bit stressed (He knows that now so don't send marriage help books with your hate mail). I do NOT like change. Never have. I like things to be and flow smooth. However, as odd as this will sound, there are times when I crave change...I just never have the guts to do anything about it. I can remember when I was in college and I had just moved to Colorado and I was desperate to feel comfortable again. I was sitting in my room begging the Lord to just take me home because in my heart of hearts I knew that Heaven was going to be the only place I'd ever feel normal and at home again. He had something different in mind...There is this scripture in Exodus 23:9 that talks about oppressing an alien, it says: "Do not oppress an alien; you yourselves know how it feels to be aliens, because you were aliens in Egypt". Even back then people KNEW how it felt to be in a place they knew was not their home.
So why am I ranting about this this morning? Well, partly because when I wake up singing songs like that in my head, there is no going back to sleep...so I'm a tad bit cranky that I got up at 6 am on a Saturday. AND because I realize there are times when get comfortable and then the world seems okay for a little while. We have what we need, money might be a little tight, but over all we're ok...Our kids our healthy and we don't have anything shaking our world up on a massive Spiritual scale...so life isss...ok.We don't REALLY need God at that moment because everything seems right with the world.
THEN something starts to move you...you start to realize the ground underneath you that was so stable 2 seconds ago is not so stable anymore. You realize the house you've been living in is full of things you'll never take with you when you go...and you say it out loud to friends who need to hear that...but you yourself...you can't let go. You realize that although you have told God you give Him your children...when something is wrong with them, you beg Him not to take them. The ground starts to shake a little more and we realize we are losing our footing and now we are VERY uncomfortable. The catastrophe thunders down on us and when the storm is over and the dust starts to settle and all around us is devastation God looks down and says: It is good. We cry and raise our fists to the heavens and beg Him to answer us why. We survey the devastation and mournfully we start to clean up and somewhere on the wind a melody fills us with comfort, but the words rain down a reality we forgot somewhere before the storm came and they say something like this: Not a shadow can rise, Not a cloud in the skies, But His smile quickly drives it away; Not a doubt or a fear, Not a sigh or a tear, Can abide if we trust and obey. Trust and obey, for there's no other way To be happy with Jesus, But to trust and obey. Not a burden we bear, Not a sorrow we share, But our toil He doth richly repay; Not a grief or a loss, Not a frown or a cross, But is blest if we trust and obey. Trust and obey, for there's no other way To be happy with Jesus, But to trust and obey...as the song washes over us, we step back to see the wreckage is gone, our life is rebuilt and even the hint of a storm is out of sight. Only then do we see it IS good...it is better than before and this time we will remember...and we will learn and we will trust and obey...
3.06.2010
3.05.2010
Asher Update
*****************************UPDATE***************************************
Houston....we have poop. And that's all I'm going to say about that because I think we're all tired of talking about thiscrap poop.
*******************************************************************************
You'll love this...I have nothing new to tell you. We had the ultra sound done. It was horribly annoying. Jason and I had to hold Asher down, the tech had no bedside manor and didn't even acknowledge Asher except to tell him the gel would be cold. SERIOUSLY??? You're going to tell a 19 month old that doesn't even know why you flew in the room, flipped the lights off and now you're putting something on him and you can't even say hi? No wonder why he started screaming.
We were told the doctors office would get the results within the next 24 hours...so yes...you guessed it...I'll be calling once lunch is up and hounding the doctor to see if she can call and get the results sooner.
Bleh...in any case. He's asleep now, no more dirty diapers of any kind except for wet.Thanks for hanging in there with us in prayer!
Houston....we have poop. And that's all I'm going to say about that because I think we're all tired of talking about this
*******************************************************************************
You'll love this...I have nothing new to tell you. We had the ultra sound done. It was horribly annoying. Jason and I had to hold Asher down, the tech had no bedside manor and didn't even acknowledge Asher except to tell him the gel would be cold. SERIOUSLY??? You're going to tell a 19 month old that doesn't even know why you flew in the room, flipped the lights off and now you're putting something on him and you can't even say hi? No wonder why he started screaming.
We were told the doctors office would get the results within the next 24 hours...so yes...you guessed it...I'll be calling once lunch is up and hounding the doctor to see if she can call and get the results sooner.
Bleh...in any case. He's asleep now, no more dirty diapers of any kind except for wet.Thanks for hanging in there with us in prayer!
3.04.2010
What you Know in your Knower
**Update #2 Ugh…so now they are saying he has to have had NOTHING by mouth for 6 hours before they will do the Ultra Sound. Brandi does this sound right? We have an appointment at 7:30 in the am. I guess now we wait another day.
**Update #1 - Just got off the phone with the Dr.’s assistant who said we SHOULD be expecting runniness instead of solid and that she didn’t want to call in the ultra sound till his symptoms changed. I asked if the fact that he was not eating very well now made any difference and she said not to worry…so I said…well I am worried and I want the ultra sound done as planned so we can have some piece of mind. She said she would call it in now. We will hopefully be on our way shortly. I also clarified with her that she would call me TODAY with results…she said yes. I’m sure she cussed me when she got off the phone, but what can you expect when you tell a mother her son has something in his tummy?
I have a PA-RECIOUS boy. His name is Asher...but we call him Biscuits. He has been the coolest kid and by all measures...probably will be the most spoiled. I think this is common with your last...or when you have lost the one before...I just think you spoil your kids more. In any case, we think he rocks. I just wanted to ask you to pray for him today.
**Update #1 - Just got off the phone with the Dr.’s assistant who said we SHOULD be expecting runniness instead of solid and that she didn’t want to call in the ultra sound till his symptoms changed. I asked if the fact that he was not eating very well now made any difference and she said not to worry…so I said…well I am worried and I want the ultra sound done as planned so we can have some piece of mind. She said she would call it in now. We will hopefully be on our way shortly. I also clarified with her that she would call me TODAY with results…she said yes. I’m sure she cussed me when she got off the phone, but what can you expect when you tell a mother her son has something in his tummy?
I have a PA-RECIOUS boy. His name is Asher...but we call him Biscuits. He has been the coolest kid and by all measures...probably will be the most spoiled. I think this is common with your last...or when you have lost the one before...I just think you spoil your kids more. In any case, we think he rocks. I just wanted to ask you to pray for him today.
On Sunday he started throwing up when he was in bed and then having runny tummy poopy issues the rest of the time. I took him in on Tuesday because he wasn't acting sick and things weren't adding up. So they did an Xray to see what they could see. We found out yesterday he has a block in his stomach that is most likely, hopefully, just from a little constipation.
We are going to go in for an ultra sound today since we have been doing a lot of laxatives and still no poop. Just pray for him for comfort and that mommy and daddy will live Psalm 112:7 He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Because we know in our knower God is in control...sometimes that doesn't relate back to the heart. I know you all have my back in prayer and I'm so blessed to have you in my community.
Love you all
Sara
3.02.2010
Since things have been heavy lately...
I thought I would post something that makes everyone smile! How about a recipe for an awesome CHOCOLATE cake and a funny story? No? Yes? Whatever...
So for any of you that actually know me...you know I loathe...I mean LOATHE ironing. I would rather buy stretchy clothes that never feel the heat of an iron. As luck would have it, I'm married to a guy who needs his pants creased in the right place and his shirts starched to perfection...yea...poor poor Bebe. AND, my bff irons her clothes every night before she goes to bed, AND my business partner who is mildly insane is an ironing freak too...THESE PEOPLE IRON JEANS! So...needless to say, the iron and I don't meet a lot and I'm really OK with that...or I was until...
It was very pretty Sunday morning and the pants and shirt I wanted Biscuits in were wrinkled beyond wearing. I...being the attentive mommy that I am...walked into the guest room where the iron resides and plugged it in. As I stood there wondering if it was really worth ironing a shirt no bigger than a dolls shirt...my daughter walked in to talk to me. The Bug (as we call her) was chatting away as I started the grueling process of ironing a very small shirt collar when all of a sudden she stopped. This is the conversation that changed my way of thinking...sort of...:
the bug: "Mom...what is that?"
me: "what baby, I'm busy I can't see what you're pointing at" I said while cross eyed trying to crease the sleeve of a shirt
the bug: "Mooo' ooom"
me: "don't Mooo'ooom me, what are you talking about?"
the bug: "WHAT is that TOOL you are using?"
blink blink....what is that tool...oh my...how old was she...losing my mind, counting fast...one, two...six...WHAT...she's six and she doesn't know what an iron is? Oh my...what will her future husband say about me? What will she tell people in school about me? Will her teacher send a note home? Will she tell the carpool mom? Will I be ostracized from carpool? Will they kick us out of school? This is it...all this time I thought my obsession with not eating at a buffet or never eating left overs would ruin her, but I've done it with an iron! I knew I shouldn't have picked the dang thing up....
NOW...I know what you are thinking...Sara, you're so right to have all these feelings and no one thinks your weird...I know I know...but really that wasn't what I was thinking. THIS is what I was thinking after I stopped laughing about it all morning: IF my daughter never remembers me with an iron in my hand, but always remembers seeing me on my knees or my nose in the Word, remembers hearing me Praise God for the big harvest moon, or the sunset painted in the sky...If all she remembers is when the world seemed Topsy turvy we could see where God had blessed us...then life's alright with me. Even if we never carpool again. Amen.
Now...here's some chocolate cake:
20 Minute Chocolate Cake
1 Cup of Water
1 Stick of Butter
¼ Cup of Cocoa
Combine in pan until butter is melted
2 Cups of Flour
2 Cups of Sugar
Mix and combine with butter mixture, add:
2 Eggs
1 teaspoon of salt
1 teaspoon of soda
½ Cup of Buttermilk
¼ teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of vanilla
Mix and bake at 350 for 20 minutes or until knife comes out clean
Icing:
¼ Cup of Butter
¼ Cup of Milk
¼ Cup of Cocoa
1 Cup of sugar
2 Teaspoons of Vanilla
Bring to a boil and let it boil for a minute, take off heat and whip it for a little bit then pour on hot cake. Yes…pour it on the hot cake.
Eat up sisters! You are loved!
Sara
So for any of you that actually know me...you know I loathe...I mean LOATHE ironing. I would rather buy stretchy clothes that never feel the heat of an iron. As luck would have it, I'm married to a guy who needs his pants creased in the right place and his shirts starched to perfection...yea...poor poor Bebe. AND, my bff irons her clothes every night before she goes to bed, AND my business partner who is mildly insane is an ironing freak too...THESE PEOPLE IRON JEANS! So...needless to say, the iron and I don't meet a lot and I'm really OK with that...or I was until...
It was very pretty Sunday morning and the pants and shirt I wanted Biscuits in were wrinkled beyond wearing. I...being the attentive mommy that I am...walked into the guest room where the iron resides and plugged it in. As I stood there wondering if it was really worth ironing a shirt no bigger than a dolls shirt...my daughter walked in to talk to me. The Bug (as we call her) was chatting away as I started the grueling process of ironing a very small shirt collar when all of a sudden she stopped. This is the conversation that changed my way of thinking...sort of...:
the bug: "Mom...what is that?"
me: "what baby, I'm busy I can't see what you're pointing at" I said while cross eyed trying to crease the sleeve of a shirt
the bug: "Mooo' ooom"
me: "don't Mooo'ooom me, what are you talking about?"
the bug: "WHAT is that TOOL you are using?"
blink blink....what is that tool...oh my...how old was she...losing my mind, counting fast...one, two...six...WHAT...she's six and she doesn't know what an iron is? Oh my...what will her future husband say about me? What will she tell people in school about me? Will her teacher send a note home? Will she tell the carpool mom? Will I be ostracized from carpool? Will they kick us out of school? This is it...all this time I thought my obsession with not eating at a buffet or never eating left overs would ruin her, but I've done it with an iron! I knew I shouldn't have picked the dang thing up....
NOW...I know what you are thinking...Sara, you're so right to have all these feelings and no one thinks your weird...I know I know...but really that wasn't what I was thinking. THIS is what I was thinking after I stopped laughing about it all morning: IF my daughter never remembers me with an iron in my hand, but always remembers seeing me on my knees or my nose in the Word, remembers hearing me Praise God for the big harvest moon, or the sunset painted in the sky...If all she remembers is when the world seemed Topsy turvy we could see where God had blessed us...then life's alright with me. Even if we never carpool again. Amen.
Now...here's some chocolate cake:
20 Minute Chocolate Cake
1 Cup of Water
1 Stick of Butter
¼ Cup of Cocoa
Combine in pan until butter is melted
2 Cups of Flour
2 Cups of Sugar
Mix and combine with butter mixture, add:
2 Eggs
1 teaspoon of salt
1 teaspoon of soda
½ Cup of Buttermilk
¼ teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of vanilla
Mix and bake at 350 for 20 minutes or until knife comes out clean
Icing:
¼ Cup of Butter
¼ Cup of Milk
¼ Cup of Cocoa
1 Cup of sugar
2 Teaspoons of Vanilla
Bring to a boil and let it boil for a minute, take off heat and whip it for a little bit then pour on hot cake. Yes…pour it on the hot cake.
Eat up sisters! You are loved!
Sara
3.01.2010
When your IT isn't enough...
This Sunday was beautiful and hard. I ended up kicking my fast off a little early as the wee hours of the morning reached me very early on Sunday. I woke up to pitch black darkness in my room and started praying. My memory washed over the stories and sadness we had been hearing about, but the ones in particular that were really getting me were the stories about the children dying of cancer and the little girls being sold into the sex trade at as young as 9 years old. When I started this journey...this awareness...it was very apparent to me that I could walk away at any point. I didn't have to read all those stories. I didn't have to look at the pictures. I could completely protect myself and my mind, because after all, what could I do?
Well for starters, I could read all the stories, I could look at all the pictures, and I could pull my head out and accept the fact the world is an ugly place of suffering. There are people all over that do not get to close their web pages and turn their head. They are faced day in and day out with the tragedy of life. They are the parents trying to hold on. They are the Humanitarian desperate to bring water to Africa. They are the missionaries striving to teach a people that selling your child for sex is not right. These things are happening every day. So my question has been to myself, is it really alright for me to shut the TV off, turn the page, close my eyes, pretend it isn't there? But...if I do that...how will I ever know what I'm really to pray for? How will I ever rise to the challenge to be a part of Kingdom work, here and now? How will I ever be able to truly teach my children how to live out an authentic life in Christ if I shield them from the reality of the world? How?
I can't fix everything. I know. On Sunday morning as we were praising God in church, with my hands lifted to Him He said: "I numbered their days before they were born, but it does not mean I love them less, it just means My plan is different than yours." I, humbly, should know this by now. I don't mean to sound callous when I say this, but my losing Isaac...does not compare to what THIS family is going through. I know that, and although I don't even understand our own loss, what He revealed to me THEN is still the same: He has a purpose for all of us. At the time of conception there is a plan on our lives, and sometimes that plan is to work with Him in Heaven.
That is all I need to know. I hope you had a fruitful day yesterday. I hope if you joined me the fast that God chose to speak mighty words to you that can only come from Him. Thank you for being with me on this journey. I know I'm a tad bit intense (okay...a lot intense), but I also know God is working out something in me to His favor that will someday be glorious.
Love you all,
Sara
Well for starters, I could read all the stories, I could look at all the pictures, and I could pull my head out and accept the fact the world is an ugly place of suffering. There are people all over that do not get to close their web pages and turn their head. They are faced day in and day out with the tragedy of life. They are the parents trying to hold on. They are the Humanitarian desperate to bring water to Africa. They are the missionaries striving to teach a people that selling your child for sex is not right. These things are happening every day. So my question has been to myself, is it really alright for me to shut the TV off, turn the page, close my eyes, pretend it isn't there? But...if I do that...how will I ever know what I'm really to pray for? How will I ever rise to the challenge to be a part of Kingdom work, here and now? How will I ever be able to truly teach my children how to live out an authentic life in Christ if I shield them from the reality of the world? How?
I can't fix everything. I know. On Sunday morning as we were praising God in church, with my hands lifted to Him He said: "I numbered their days before they were born, but it does not mean I love them less, it just means My plan is different than yours." I, humbly, should know this by now. I don't mean to sound callous when I say this, but my losing Isaac...does not compare to what THIS family is going through. I know that, and although I don't even understand our own loss, what He revealed to me THEN is still the same: He has a purpose for all of us. At the time of conception there is a plan on our lives, and sometimes that plan is to work with Him in Heaven.
That is all I need to know. I hope you had a fruitful day yesterday. I hope if you joined me the fast that God chose to speak mighty words to you that can only come from Him. Thank you for being with me on this journey. I know I'm a tad bit intense (okay...a lot intense), but I also know God is working out something in me to His favor that will someday be glorious.
Love you all,
Sara
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