It has definitely been a while since I've posted. Part of me just doesn't even want to post anything because it seems so self seeking that someone would want to read what I have to say anyway. Who am I? ....don't answer that...I'm not sure I'd like the comments that would follow...
I've had some amazing moments over the last few months leading me to discover how very little I know and how very far I have to go.
Today was a hard day. It was full of death, and tears and not just one death and not just one set of tears....many....many....tears. Actually come to think about it the last several days have pretty much been sucky with the whole movie theater shootings and then the loss of life that hits closer to home. From a friend losing both an aunt and an uncle....to a friend losing a five month old baby in her family...it all pretty much sucks when it happens doesn't it?
I have a million things floating through my mind and all of it is centered on Hope...but I think I feel hope-LESS because no one wants to listen or hear the word HOPE. So I've reached a point where it's hard to even write about it because I don't want to be on a soap box while everyone around me runs for cover....afraid I might make eye contact....or say something crazy like:
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak
Even youths grow tired and weary
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Oh...I just want to shout it...those of you women who lay in bed with aching wombs, crying for your child you can no longer hold...desperate to calm the ache that you feel on your empty chest...there is HOPE in the Lord...there is Hope when you know this is not the end. For those of you fathers who ache for the voice of their child delighted to see him, there is hope everlasting in His arms....why do you wait and falter and avoid it? What do you have to lose that you haven't already lost? Not believing can take so much more than just being willing to break the silence and beg God for mercy and grace.
You think I'm crazy? I know...it's ok. But from someone who has held the body of a lifeless baby boy, turned him over to a nurse with no emotional attachment, to send his body to a funeral home, put in a box and buried deep in the ground.... I need you to know... I have hope. His mercy is new every morning and GREAT is His faithfulness for He has delivered me from my sorry and has given me hope for the future and the promise of a new life where I will walk hand in hand with my son someday...
It doesn't mean I don't cry. It doesn't mean the pain is gone or that I don't miss him every day of my life, but I know the peace that passes understanding...that in the midst of my sorry and tears...there is hope....
there just is.