letting go...

On January 2nd 2007 I had this moment...in the midst of agony and grief and fear, I asked my Savior for what seemed like the 100th time "how do I let go?". I knew, with every fiber of my being I was not strong enough to physically hand my sons body to a nurse, never to see his little face again on this earth. I waited trembling in anticipation for God to show up big in that hospital room. I waited for His voice to break thru the chaos and shake the windows of the room with words of comfort and wisdom. Something huge had to happen! After all this was my son, my ONLY son, so it had to be a big show by The Jehovah! Hadn’t I proved my faithfulness? My willingness to walk the path He had chosen for me? Was it too much to ask that He show up mightily in that little room? I waited, but there was no booming voice. There were no fireworks. There was no distant light that showed us a vision of our Father taking Isaac safely into His arms. So I held my son’s lifeless body close to me and sobbed again, “Father, how do I let go?” and ever so gently I heard His voice say “you just do.” Could it really be that simple? That plain?

I did manage to get thru it. By the grace of our Father, I managed to hand over my son into eternal rest. All the while the words “this baby has no heart beat” were ringing in my ears, but I left that hospital and days later I remembered something about another birth that was plain. One that was simple and unnoticed. A child was born in a manger with one purpose, to give his life away on a cross.

You may think my sharing this is overly personal, but what I know about this experience is this: My God does not make mistakes. I did not walk this road in vain to become silent at the end. This is a continuation of His story. Do not ever doubt His calling over your life to tragedy and expect that He will abandon you on your road. He is mighty and His strength is perfect. And whether He chooses to show up with fireworks and shake the ground, or to simply slip in unnoticed until the right time and whisper the perfect words to us, that is His call. But praise and glory be to our Heavenly Father, because He WILL show up.


Emily said...

AMEN. That's all I can say. AMEN.

Dean Steadman said...

Hi Sara,

Thanks for leaving your comment over at http://steadman.blog.com. I do remember Jason, but wasn't aware of the death of your son. It breaks my heart to learn of another family experiencing a loss that no parent should endure.

Very happy to see that you're blogging so openly about your feelings and about your faith. I found it hard, but very healing to pour everything out into the open. I found that sharing my grief was much healthier than holding it in.

Please let me know if you'd like to talk to myself or my wife Melinda as you head towards the anniversary date. We both found comfort in preparing a celebration of Ben's life for our family and friends.

Take care - thanks again and god bless.

The Boyds said...

Oh, my, how achingly beautiful. I'm sorry for the loss of your son, & I thank you for your response. You point the way to God, & He is glorified.