This Sunday was beautiful and hard. I ended up kicking my fast off a little early as the wee hours of the morning reached me very early on Sunday. I woke up to pitch black darkness in my room and started praying. My memory washed over the stories and sadness we had been hearing about, but the ones in particular that were really getting me were the stories about the children dying of cancer and the little girls being sold into the sex trade at as young as 9 years old. When I started this journey...this awareness...it was very apparent to me that I could walk away at any point. I didn't have to read all those stories. I didn't have to look at the pictures. I could completely protect myself and my mind, because after all, what could I do?
Well for starters, I could read all the stories, I could look at all the pictures, and I could pull my head out and accept the fact the world is an ugly place of suffering. There are people all over that do not get to close their web pages and turn their head. They are faced day in and day out with the tragedy of life. They are the parents trying to hold on. They are the Humanitarian desperate to bring water to Africa. They are the missionaries striving to teach a people that selling your child for sex is not right. These things are happening every day. So my question has been to myself, is it really alright for me to shut the TV off, turn the page, close my eyes, pretend it isn't there? But...if I do that...how will I ever know what I'm really to pray for? How will I ever rise to the challenge to be a part of Kingdom work, here and now? How will I ever be able to truly teach my children how to live out an authentic life in Christ if I shield them from the reality of the world? How?
I can't fix everything. I know. On Sunday morning as we were praising God in church, with my hands lifted to Him He said: "I numbered their days before they were born, but it does not mean I love them less, it just means My plan is different than yours." I, humbly, should know this by now. I don't mean to sound callous when I say this, but my losing Isaac...does not compare to what THIS family is going through. I know that, and although I don't even understand our own loss, what He revealed to me THEN is still the same: He has a purpose for all of us. At the time of conception there is a plan on our lives, and sometimes that plan is to work with Him in Heaven.
That is all I need to know. I hope you had a fruitful day yesterday. I hope if you joined me the fast that God chose to speak mighty words to you that can only come from Him. Thank you for being with me on this journey. I know I'm a tad bit intense (okay...a lot intense), but I also know God is working out something in me to His favor that will someday be glorious.
Love you all,