I'm writing this from my phone...in bed...mind swirling with overwhelming thoughts and my heart is so heavy.
Have you ever thought to thank God that you know how to read? That you were born in a country where it was just a given that by age 5 you would know how to write your name? Yes...these are the things I'm thinking about. These are the things that are keeping me awake because my heart is so burdened with grief that it might explode.
The meeting was about an organization called Africa Hope. The founder shared that refugees and immigrants..mostly women and children come to America and are given 8 months of assistance and in that 8 months they are expected to learn English and find a job. Not so bad right...? I mean it's America! Land of the free...educated...capable. And here she is...the average immigrant, refugee...with a gift card for the grocery store and not only does she not know how to get there, she doesn't know what it is, where to put the food if she does manage to get it and guess what? She can't read and she can't even write her own name. But in 8 months...she's supposed to have a job and speak the language. She is the provider...where do you think she'll end up? I'm sure there are plenty of men ready and willing to get her into the oldest profession in the world.
I'm sick. I love the ministry and I love the privilege I'm being given to help...but I have to ask...have you ever thanked God for the ability to write your own name?
Well you should.
The ministry is Africa Hope. The goal? Give these women the tools to learn english, and teach them how to find what they are good at so one day they can fill out an application, speak English in an interview, and get a job. They clothe them, bring Christmas, feed their babies, and help them find Hope.
My heart is bursting. I am so very grateful that for some crazy reason, I was born an American, learned how to write my name when I was 4 and now I'm able to teach a woman how to do it when she's 40. How did I get so lucky?
Thank you lord.
8.23.2012
7.24.2012
It has definitely been a while since I've posted. Part of me just doesn't even want to post anything because it seems so self seeking that someone would want to read what I have to say anyway. Who am I? ....don't answer that...I'm not sure I'd like the comments that would follow...
I've had some amazing moments over the last few months leading me to discover how very little I know and how very far I have to go.
Today was a hard day. It was full of death, and tears and not just one death and not just one set of tears....many....many....tears. Actually come to think about it the last several days have pretty much been sucky with the whole movie theater shootings and then the loss of life that hits closer to home. From a friend losing both an aunt and an uncle....to a friend losing a five month old baby in her family...it all pretty much sucks when it happens doesn't it?
I have a million things floating through my mind and all of it is centered on Hope...but I think I feel hope-LESS because no one wants to listen or hear the word HOPE. So I've reached a point where it's hard to even write about it because I don't want to be on a soap box while everyone around me runs for cover....afraid I might make eye contact....or say something crazy like:
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak
Even youths grow tired and weary
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Oh...I just want to shout it...those of you women who lay in bed with aching wombs, crying for your child you can no longer hold...desperate to calm the ache that you feel on your empty chest...there is HOPE in the Lord...there is Hope when you know this is not the end. For those of you fathers who ache for the voice of their child delighted to see him, there is hope everlasting in His arms....why do you wait and falter and avoid it? What do you have to lose that you haven't already lost? Not believing can take so much more than just being willing to break the silence and beg God for mercy and grace.
You think I'm crazy? I know...it's ok. But from someone who has held the body of a lifeless baby boy, turned him over to a nurse with no emotional attachment, to send his body to a funeral home, put in a box and buried deep in the ground.... I need you to know... I have hope. His mercy is new every morning and GREAT is His faithfulness for He has delivered me from my sorry and has given me hope for the future and the promise of a new life where I will walk hand in hand with my son someday...
It doesn't mean I don't cry. It doesn't mean the pain is gone or that I don't miss him every day of my life, but I know the peace that passes understanding...that in the midst of my sorry and tears...there is hope....
there just is.
I've had some amazing moments over the last few months leading me to discover how very little I know and how very far I have to go.
Today was a hard day. It was full of death, and tears and not just one death and not just one set of tears....many....many....tears. Actually come to think about it the last several days have pretty much been sucky with the whole movie theater shootings and then the loss of life that hits closer to home. From a friend losing both an aunt and an uncle....to a friend losing a five month old baby in her family...it all pretty much sucks when it happens doesn't it?
I have a million things floating through my mind and all of it is centered on Hope...but I think I feel hope-LESS because no one wants to listen or hear the word HOPE. So I've reached a point where it's hard to even write about it because I don't want to be on a soap box while everyone around me runs for cover....afraid I might make eye contact....or say something crazy like:
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak
Even youths grow tired and weary
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Oh...I just want to shout it...those of you women who lay in bed with aching wombs, crying for your child you can no longer hold...desperate to calm the ache that you feel on your empty chest...there is HOPE in the Lord...there is Hope when you know this is not the end. For those of you fathers who ache for the voice of their child delighted to see him, there is hope everlasting in His arms....why do you wait and falter and avoid it? What do you have to lose that you haven't already lost? Not believing can take so much more than just being willing to break the silence and beg God for mercy and grace.
You think I'm crazy? I know...it's ok. But from someone who has held the body of a lifeless baby boy, turned him over to a nurse with no emotional attachment, to send his body to a funeral home, put in a box and buried deep in the ground.... I need you to know... I have hope. His mercy is new every morning and GREAT is His faithfulness for He has delivered me from my sorry and has given me hope for the future and the promise of a new life where I will walk hand in hand with my son someday...
It doesn't mean I don't cry. It doesn't mean the pain is gone or that I don't miss him every day of my life, but I know the peace that passes understanding...that in the midst of my sorry and tears...there is hope....
there just is.
1.21.2012
O Lord My God...
I was cleaning my kitchen this morning and reflecting on days when I was about 8 or 9. I would be cleaning in the kitchen with my mom. I can almost transport to our kitchen in Belgrade where the smell was fattening, the food was amazing and the milk was sometimes scary...but the sound was always singing...
I loved hearing my mom sing in the kitchen and the old hymns we have long since left behind echo in that memory. As I'm cleaning my own kitchen the words amplify and they spill out of a voice so unworthy:
O Lord my God,
When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the works thy hands hath made....
Then I just decided on a whim to see what I could find online to listen to as I finish the kitchen. I'm sure you've seen the video below, but if you haven't... get a kleenex...this is amazing and it filled me so much today!
I loved hearing my mom sing in the kitchen and the old hymns we have long since left behind echo in that memory. As I'm cleaning my own kitchen the words amplify and they spill out of a voice so unworthy:
O Lord my God,
When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the works thy hands hath made....
Then I just decided on a whim to see what I could find online to listen to as I finish the kitchen. I'm sure you've seen the video below, but if you haven't... get a kleenex...this is amazing and it filled me so much today!
Be blessed today,
Sara
1.16.2012
Running
It has been a long time since I've posted anything. It has been even longer since I felt the need to write something and get it over here on the blog. So I guess that begs the question...where have I been? I'll answer that the in the form of a story.
Two and a half years ago I stood on unfamiliar ground. Not only was it unfamiliar, it was a place I never thought I'd be. I had given up, crossed my arms, turned my back and snubbed my nose at the all too familiar Hand reaching out to guide me. I was angry, overwhelmed and discontent. Not to mention sick and tired of towing the line and pretending like it was all going to turn out okay. So instead of submitting to Gods will and being obedient...I said 'na a' and I ran. The further I ran, the darker it got, the darker it got, the more jumbled my thoughts became. The more jumbled my thoughts became, the less I could write and before I knew it I was empty. A vessel waiting to be filled up with beautiful words that would grace the page of my blog. Nothing. After running for so long...I tripped. I fell hard and landed in a pool of emotional shame and helplessness. The Hand was there and this time, I grabbed fast and held tight.
Days came and went, months passed and then a year rolled around...then another. We worked hard, He and I and him (the man of my half). We battled and won and battled some more. I was asked if I was going to write. I tried, and sometimes it worked, but mostly it didn't. I was fully aware God wasn't finished with the lesson. The war had subsided and then still...He and I had things to work out. Hard things. Just the two of us. But I was busy most of the time. Who has time for working on self? It had to happen though....and then it did. I started reading a book a friend gave to me. I stopped moving, and I started listening...we started talking...the two of us and He said: 'You are always running ahead of me. When you run ahead of me you step out of my light and my leading and then you wonder why you're so exhausted and life is so hard. Stop leading and let Me. I will set the pace.' Then the conversation settled into my moving ahead of Him and taking on things I hadn't asked to take on. I've had to confess a lot of sin in that area. I have filled my time up with plans and products and even Bible studies and it's messy. And I didn't ask permission...I ran ahead. I argued when my husband would point it out and in my 'sales' nature, I would justify it and make it sound so 'right'. He would concede and I would run again. I had to confess to my husband too, that nature of moving forward without asking, or discussing. I know some of you women are cringing, but without wanting to sound too old fashion, there is something right about making decisions together and leaning on your husbands wisdom. All to often we jump ahead of the game assuming whatever we have on our schedule is for the betterment of our family. We take on things because we're the 'responsible' one. We don't discuss, we don't ask, we just do. We run and run and run.
I have confessed the moving ahead. I have looked at the path ahead of me and have acquiesced ...'Yes, please clear the way'. I want to be obedient. I want to steady my pace and follow Him. Then...this thing happened. The empty vessel. Dry, cracked, dusty...long since forgotten...was teeming with words. Words of humility and brokenness and grace. My mind was flooded with sentences and poetry and my hand longed for the gratifying feel of a good pen. My senses yearned to breath in the pages of a new journal and touch the crispness of the paper. And then He said it: 'write.'
And so I write. While there is so much swirling around in my head and I want to keep going and going, I also want to wait on His word, steady my pace, and follow. I will write as He leads. No promises for daily musings or ostentatious posts. But I will be here in months to come. Because He says 'write'.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead
nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:9-11
Love you all,
Sara
Two and a half years ago I stood on unfamiliar ground. Not only was it unfamiliar, it was a place I never thought I'd be. I had given up, crossed my arms, turned my back and snubbed my nose at the all too familiar Hand reaching out to guide me. I was angry, overwhelmed and discontent. Not to mention sick and tired of towing the line and pretending like it was all going to turn out okay. So instead of submitting to Gods will and being obedient...I said 'na a' and I ran. The further I ran, the darker it got, the darker it got, the more jumbled my thoughts became. The more jumbled my thoughts became, the less I could write and before I knew it I was empty. A vessel waiting to be filled up with beautiful words that would grace the page of my blog. Nothing. After running for so long...I tripped. I fell hard and landed in a pool of emotional shame and helplessness. The Hand was there and this time, I grabbed fast and held tight.
Days came and went, months passed and then a year rolled around...then another. We worked hard, He and I and him (the man of my half). We battled and won and battled some more. I was asked if I was going to write. I tried, and sometimes it worked, but mostly it didn't. I was fully aware God wasn't finished with the lesson. The war had subsided and then still...He and I had things to work out. Hard things. Just the two of us. But I was busy most of the time. Who has time for working on self? It had to happen though....and then it did. I started reading a book a friend gave to me. I stopped moving, and I started listening...we started talking...the two of us and He said: 'You are always running ahead of me. When you run ahead of me you step out of my light and my leading and then you wonder why you're so exhausted and life is so hard. Stop leading and let Me. I will set the pace.' Then the conversation settled into my moving ahead of Him and taking on things I hadn't asked to take on. I've had to confess a lot of sin in that area. I have filled my time up with plans and products and even Bible studies and it's messy. And I didn't ask permission...I ran ahead. I argued when my husband would point it out and in my 'sales' nature, I would justify it and make it sound so 'right'. He would concede and I would run again. I had to confess to my husband too, that nature of moving forward without asking, or discussing. I know some of you women are cringing, but without wanting to sound too old fashion, there is something right about making decisions together and leaning on your husbands wisdom. All to often we jump ahead of the game assuming whatever we have on our schedule is for the betterment of our family. We take on things because we're the 'responsible' one. We don't discuss, we don't ask, we just do. We run and run and run.
I have confessed the moving ahead. I have looked at the path ahead of me and have acquiesced ...'Yes, please clear the way'. I want to be obedient. I want to steady my pace and follow Him. Then...this thing happened. The empty vessel. Dry, cracked, dusty...long since forgotten...was teeming with words. Words of humility and brokenness and grace. My mind was flooded with sentences and poetry and my hand longed for the gratifying feel of a good pen. My senses yearned to breath in the pages of a new journal and touch the crispness of the paper. And then He said it: 'write.'
And so I write. While there is so much swirling around in my head and I want to keep going and going, I also want to wait on His word, steady my pace, and follow. I will write as He leads. No promises for daily musings or ostentatious posts. But I will be here in months to come. Because He says 'write'.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead
nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:9-11
Love you all,
Sara
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