It has been a long time since I've posted anything. It has been even longer since I felt the need to write something and get it over here on the blog. So I guess that begs the question...where have I been? I'll answer that the in the form of a story.
Two and a half years ago I stood on unfamiliar ground. Not only was it unfamiliar, it was a place I never thought I'd be. I had given up, crossed my arms, turned my back and snubbed my nose at the all too familiar Hand reaching out to guide me. I was angry, overwhelmed and discontent. Not to mention sick and tired of towing the line and pretending like it was all going to turn out okay. So instead of submitting to Gods will and being obedient...I said 'na a' and I ran. The further I ran, the darker it got, the darker it got, the more jumbled my thoughts became. The more jumbled my thoughts became, the less I could write and before I knew it I was empty. A vessel waiting to be filled up with beautiful words that would grace the page of my blog. Nothing. After running for so long...I tripped. I fell hard and landed in a pool of emotional shame and helplessness. The Hand was there and this time, I grabbed fast and held tight.
Days came and went, months passed and then a year rolled around...then another. We worked hard, He and I and him (the man of my half). We battled and won and battled some more. I was asked if I was going to write. I tried, and sometimes it worked, but mostly it didn't. I was fully aware God wasn't finished with the lesson. The war had subsided and then still...He and I had things to work out. Hard things. Just the two of us. But I was busy most of the time. Who has time for working on self? It had to happen though....and then it did. I started reading a book a friend gave to me. I stopped moving, and I started listening...we started talking...the two of us and He said: 'You are always running ahead of me. When you run ahead of me you step out of my light and my leading and then you wonder why you're so exhausted and life is so hard. Stop leading and let Me. I will set the pace.' Then the conversation settled into my moving ahead of Him and taking on things I hadn't asked to take on. I've had to confess a lot of sin in that area. I have filled my time up with plans and products and even Bible studies and it's messy. And I didn't ask permission...I ran ahead. I argued when my husband would point it out and in my 'sales' nature, I would justify it and make it sound so 'right'. He would concede and I would run again. I had to confess to my husband too, that nature of moving forward without asking, or discussing. I know some of you women are cringing, but without wanting to sound too old fashion, there is something right about making decisions together and leaning on your husbands wisdom. All to often we jump ahead of the game assuming whatever we have on our schedule is for the betterment of our family. We take on things because we're the 'responsible' one. We don't discuss, we don't ask, we just do. We run and run and run.
I have confessed the moving ahead. I have looked at the path ahead of me and have acquiesced ...'Yes, please clear the way'. I want to be obedient. I want to steady my pace and follow Him. Then...this thing happened. The empty vessel. Dry, cracked, dusty...long since forgotten...was teeming with words. Words of humility and brokenness and grace. My mind was flooded with sentences and poetry and my hand longed for the gratifying feel of a good pen. My senses yearned to breath in the pages of a new journal and touch the crispness of the paper. And then He said it: 'write.'
And so I write. While there is so much swirling around in my head and I want to keep going and going, I also want to wait on His word, steady my pace, and follow. I will write as He leads. No promises for daily musings or ostentatious posts. But I will be here in months to come. Because He says 'write'.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead
nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Love you all,