As any self respecting college student would do, I wrote my first assignment hours before it was due. Due to the complicated nature of the assignment and my lack of hours researching for the paper, I opted to write a paper on why you should have fish for pets instead of cats or dogs. It was very remarkable and earned me an outstanding grade as well as a proclamation from my teacher that she had declared my major for me...and it would be English. Ask me how far that has taken me...no don't...no...yea no...
Anyway, God showed me that my writing capabilities are dwindling due to my lack of ...well...writing AND listening to Him. So I have made the commitment to write. I am writing to write and I don't know what I'm writing about....except for writing. Are you on the edge of your seat yet? (insert cricket noises here) Well of course you are! All this really is leading up to something I promise.
Several months ago I woke up in the middle of the night from a horrible dream...for those of you who dream about showing up to work without undies pants...or school without your homework...this was NOT one of those dreams. This was a dream about being left behind. The rapture had taken place, and I was still here...it goes much deeper than this...but what I want to convey to you is the depth of pain with which my soul cried out. I literally went into the hallway and got flat on my face and begged the Lord to speak so that I would know the dream was not real. As tears soaked the fibers underneath my face I realized His peace was covering my soul and I was not deserted. A fire began in me to stop the 'general' pursuit of Bible Study and increasing my 'book smart' knowledge of Him and change to a pursuit of 'everything in action'. I realized that early morning that we REALLY ARE only here for a short time. And we REALLY DON'T know the hour or the day...
The wheels on our life are beginning to pick up speed and more and more we see there is something bigger going on and we begin to question what is He going to use us for and where are we going... Then I realized I don't want to just read about what other people are doing for the Kingdom, I want to do! Then this other question started nagging at me 'What is the point of what I do now?'. How does my daily work impact the Kingdom? Then the fire of questions caught wind and one of the words blowing through the flames was: 'Write'. So I said: 'okay, I will write, but You realize who your asking to write...right?' And answering my one question with one word He said 'You'. And with that He has began to answer me with new things...demolishing insecurities...highlighting new needs that require more reliance on Him...interjecting new thoughts and ideas that are so fresh and real. So often I have a tendency to sit and write about Him, instead of to Him. So often I have a tendency to talk about Him, instead of listen to Him. So often, when I hear Him say...'I want to use you...now write' I have a tendency to say 'who am I?' and 'what for?'. Then I realized that my own insecurity was leading me to sin. My overwhelming fear of falling prey to pride and attention was giving way to the enemy to keep me silent and directly disobeying our Father. I have been called to be DOING this whole time...but I was HIDING instead...and for what?
So today...new thing...I'm obeying and writing. I'm believing God has a lot of things to say and I'm believing I can be used in that. FOR HIS GLORY ONLY. Not my will but thine o Lord that Your name might be proclaimed throughout Heaven and Earth.
I may not always have insightful things to say...but I want to DO...so I will. That is all I have to say today...well till my daughter gets in the car and tells me about which boy she chased today and then she will get the next earful.
Go use your gift. He gave it to you for a reason. Make the commitment to take the seat of responsibility He is offering you. The work is hard, the reward is better.
Love you all,
Sara
4 comments:
Wow, girl...how this speaks to me today. I got a call on Saturday from another church wanting me to speak at their women's conference in March. I didn't call her right back because I was having a "comfortable" moment. I didn't like the feeling of anxiety I have whenever I think about public speaking. Finally today, I decided to call the lady back and I agreed to speak at the conference. I had to tell myself to DO...that satan is going to use every opportunity to make me "comfortable" and sit still. And that's not who I want to be at all! I want to be used! In my daily quiet time I ask God to "use me today" and "make me a blessing to someone today, Lord." I'm learning to listen, even though I'm scared to death at times! So I will "use my gift"...thanks for the pep talk, even though you didn't know you were giving me one;-)
WOOT!!! You rock it out girlfriend!! This was totally what I have been struggling with for quite some time..I feel like God wants to use me, but not really sure where or in what modality. Still trying to figure that out! That's part of the "call" west, I think...who knows! You gave me a pep talk too!
Erica...you go girl!! Congrats on the speaking opportunity! Do you know what you will be speaking about yet??
I so know the feeling. You could have been writing about me. I want to be a do-er too! One that doesn't just think it, but does it. One that doesn't just talk it, but walks it. One that doesn't just dream it, but lives it.
For some crazy wild reason I have felt called to write a thousand times also. I will be so convicted of it at times, that I will totally go home deciding I'm going to. It's been said to me by too many people to ignore it, or think it surely not of God. Plus, He's pointed the verses out to me too many times to number in Isa 30:8 and Hab 2:2 for me not to see it. It's too wild for me to think it a coincidence. BUT....... once pen is in hand and paper is laid out before me I draw a blank. I don't know where to start. Or how? I've taught lots of Bible studies that I feel speaks so loud... and so from time to time (actually pretty often), I'll think that I'm supposed to put that on paper and write it out loud because I KNOW the lessons are powerful. BUT........ it's that "BUT" again, once I get started and try to........??????????? Oh my, it seems impossible to say what I want to. It's in my heart. It's in my mind. But to put words to that??????? I know that anything impossible with me is only missing it's "H"! Because anything impossible with me is always HIM-possible with Him!
Okay........... so your post has made me think that (again) I need to rethink some things.
In the meanwhile, I'll be praying for you.
I've been thinking about this whole writing thing, ministry speaking thing, leading Bible study ...whatever we are called to do it is for His glory. If we are disobedient not only are we out of His will for our lives but we are also stealing His glory!
It's all for His glory, period!
Love you, "jo-nonymous" or do you like "jo-noni-mous"?
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