I think most people are surprised with a few things when they see me. One is that I'm still pregnant; the other is that I'm most likely smiling. Everyone keeps asking if there have been any change to the diagnosis. When I say that it is what it is and all we can ask for is a little bit of time, there is this look that comes across their face that is shock laced with a bit of confusion (I'm guessing this is where my mood or response confuses them.) I thought about this a little more and reflected on how many times I say to myself "I just can't imagine going thru that..." and then I realized you can't imagine it until you are there and this great thing called "survival" kicks in. I like to call survival = grace. Lord knows this road would not be bearable unless He was carrying me, as a matter of fact I don't think I'm walking on my own at all at this point.
So the truth...there are moments that I catch myself holding my breath. I feel the emotion welling up inside me and it sticks right in my throat. And that desperate feeling overwhelms my heart and I stop to take part in that moment of realization and these words wash over me again...and again...and again: "I can't believe this is happening to me". So truth be known, the pain can not be measured, but the promise of a blessing beyond this can't either. How beautiful is that that our God promises to carry us, attend to us, love us, and give us His strength when we call out for it! The one thing I love the best about His plan is that death is not the end. I will hold my son someday and he will be full of stories about his life with the great prophets and what he learned from his great grandpa and grandma.
Tearfully I accepted the other day that he is blessed even more than I in that he never has to make a choice of who to believe in. We take this world full of immorality and seduction head on when we become parents and we strive to raise our children with morals and values and an understanding of life beyond what we visualize here on earth. We arm them with all the right information and release them into the very world we try to protect them from to make their own decisions, all the while praying and agonizing that we've done right by them. All the while hoping they embrace God as their heavenly father...and here Isaac is...and God chose him before the agony even had to begin.I just want to hold him and kiss him and love him, because it only takes a few minutes to indulge your child with those things and they know with every fiber of their being that their mommy or daddy love them incomparably…and that is all they need. I believe Isaac already knows it, I'm sure of it, but this time…mommy needs it.
I will forever be in love with Isaac Matthew Pipkin. And when people ask me those questions about his diagnoses and I exclaim there is no change, he will not live, I truly do mean it when I say "all I need is a few minutes…".
12.12.2006
9.23.2006
It occurred to me today the journey set before me is very much part of the voyage I have already been on. We often look back at our past with regrets. When was the last time we looked back and thought “What a blessing!”?
I was listening to the words in a song that lyric:
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I see so many life experiences and failed dreams when I hear that song, and then I see my daughter’s arms wrapped around me. I see my husband, my family, and my home. I see the heartbreak our family experienced at the loss of my nephew Alex and the joy his brother Niko pours over our lives. Of course I see the future joy and pain we will experience the day we hold our son for the first time. My past has been very much a road of wisdom gained as I have been prepared for each blissful and sorrowful event of my life. “For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief” Ecclesiastes 1:18.
I believe where joy and sorrow meet our past and our present collides. Our true test comes in whether we are prepared to use the tough experiences that broke us to touch other lives and help heal their past for their journey ahead. Are we keeping the most painful, most embarrassing experiences tucked away inside? What was the experience worth if we can’t share it? I think about those times when I can sit with a friend and cry because I know everything she is experiencing. How sweet it feels when I can avail myself to vulnerability in telling her “here’s what to expect on the other side, I know, I’ve been there”. Those words mean so much more to a suffering friend than ‘Everything happens for a reason’. There is nothing worse than an out of touch saying extended to someone in pain. What we do know is the sorrow is not meant to last forever.
Have you shared your past? Reflect on it, I would surmise if you’re holding on tight to your secrets, you have probably never healed from them. Have courage, our Father is faithful and our lives aren’t accidents, just like our life experiences aren’t accidents. Your past was meant to happen for a reason, the road you are on today is just where you are supposed to be. Don’t forget to praise Him for your past, as tough as it was, there really was a blessing in it, and you just might not have found it yet. And remember in the midst of our most painful moments, we are being shaped for the road ahead.
Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end. Isaiah 60:20
I was listening to the words in a song that lyric:
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I see so many life experiences and failed dreams when I hear that song, and then I see my daughter’s arms wrapped around me. I see my husband, my family, and my home. I see the heartbreak our family experienced at the loss of my nephew Alex and the joy his brother Niko pours over our lives. Of course I see the future joy and pain we will experience the day we hold our son for the first time. My past has been very much a road of wisdom gained as I have been prepared for each blissful and sorrowful event of my life. “For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief” Ecclesiastes 1:18.
I believe where joy and sorrow meet our past and our present collides. Our true test comes in whether we are prepared to use the tough experiences that broke us to touch other lives and help heal their past for their journey ahead. Are we keeping the most painful, most embarrassing experiences tucked away inside? What was the experience worth if we can’t share it? I think about those times when I can sit with a friend and cry because I know everything she is experiencing. How sweet it feels when I can avail myself to vulnerability in telling her “here’s what to expect on the other side, I know, I’ve been there”. Those words mean so much more to a suffering friend than ‘Everything happens for a reason’. There is nothing worse than an out of touch saying extended to someone in pain. What we do know is the sorrow is not meant to last forever.
Have you shared your past? Reflect on it, I would surmise if you’re holding on tight to your secrets, you have probably never healed from them. Have courage, our Father is faithful and our lives aren’t accidents, just like our life experiences aren’t accidents. Your past was meant to happen for a reason, the road you are on today is just where you are supposed to be. Don’t forget to praise Him for your past, as tough as it was, there really was a blessing in it, and you just might not have found it yet. And remember in the midst of our most painful moments, we are being shaped for the road ahead.
Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end. Isaiah 60:20
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