· Statistically speaking, we had a 50% chance of our marriage surviving
· Statistically speaking, we added a 50% chance of failure because I was over the age of 25 when we married
· Statistically speaking, we had an 80% chance of failure when we lost Isaac
· Statistically speaking, we had a 90% chance of divorce when we separated
· Statistically speaking, our chance of staying together only improved by 10% when my hubby came home
· Statistically speaking....we were up the creek without a paddle...
I can keep going. I can add in more and more and more statistics based on my human nature, the way I handle things, the way I communicate...all these crazy statistics which can lead to a marital demise.
I want to shout this from the top of a mountain...but I can't climb one right now because I'm home alone with the kids and they are sick and my back hurts...so this platform should work...
Are you ready?
Here it is:
When God is involved...Statistics don't mean jack...
Have a nice day.
PS: We live in a self absorbed nation that shoves freedom of rights and personal prerogative down our throats. If you are being sucked into this belief system then I want to say this to you: Stop it! Just stop it right now! Sometimes...it is NOT ABOUT YOU...I just felt my head get really big, like in that scene from The Incredibles, when Mr. Incredible comes home in the middle of the night and Helen gets mad...are you with me?...[insert cricket noises here] *tap tap* is this thing on? Hello-o?
Anyway...here is what I want to say. We all have a choice. We all have freedom. We can all go out and do whatever we want...WHATEVER...right or wrong...you can do it. What we're too quick to do is believe that right is all about 'ME'. We stop believing God to deliver something big, we throw our backpack of statistics on and get behind the numbers and point at them screaming...'See...SEE...I have the right! The statistics prove I'm right and this is OK!' ... Um...no. You may have the right, you may have the freedom...but that doesn't mean it's OK. What is that scripture...Everything is permissible for me...but not everything beneficial. Everything is permissible for me...but I will not be mastered by anything. (I know where it is, but for homework you can go look it up...I'll give you the first clue...it's somewhere in the Bible)
Don't be mastered by selfishness. Beat the statistic. Don't even listen to the statistic. Be the exception to the rule. Isn't that what we're called to anyway? To be set apart? That is it...oh and one more thing: If God is for me, who can be against me? (That is in the Bible too). Statistics are and always will be proved wrong when God is involved. He has his own statistics...and they always make you a success.
PSS: I hate statistics...
PSSS: Statistically speaking, I'm betting on the 10% chance of our success...which over the years has probably dwindled down to like an eighth of a chance for survival by now...but I'm betting on it. I love my husband. I'm grateful he loves me. I'm elated we are hard at work on our marriage. I'm tickled pink he's coming home tonight from GA. I'm so blessed he's a man of God. And believe it or not I love laughing when he starts his Moto Moto impersonation and tells me I’m huge…LOVE IT… and one more thing: I'm believing God. Amen
10.01.2009
9.21.2009
3 years and 13 days ago
September 8th, 2006...I was sitting in the car...the weather was much like it is today...rainy, cold, depressed...it was supposed to be a great day...
...and it was. It was the beginning of an awareness. A journey for new wisdom. An overflow of new knowledge. Many waste away on the journey...all survive...however, few give glory where glory is due. Where many would look at the sadness of the situation, the finality of a life...all I could do was think God is good...even when...and even if. Well, that isn't all that I thought. I thought 'how could this be happening to me?' and that answer hasn't come yet, and it doesn't need to. It did happen. It happened and an unborn baby boy woke me up. With every little kick, he increased an awareness that there is so much more to life. With every ultrasound, I was reminded death is not final. I had a baby boy who was going to prove to be amazing in the Kingdom and I get to be his mommy...forever.
The 8th slipped by me...so I just had to put it out there that the day may have slipped by, but I'll never forget it. The 8th of September is forever marked in my mind...just like the 11th of November, the 1st of August, the 21st of October and 5th of October...there are just some days that change your life forever. The question is...will it change you for the better? It did me.
Mommy misses you Isaac.
...and it was. It was the beginning of an awareness. A journey for new wisdom. An overflow of new knowledge. Many waste away on the journey...all survive...however, few give glory where glory is due. Where many would look at the sadness of the situation, the finality of a life...all I could do was think God is good...even when...and even if. Well, that isn't all that I thought. I thought 'how could this be happening to me?' and that answer hasn't come yet, and it doesn't need to. It did happen. It happened and an unborn baby boy woke me up. With every little kick, he increased an awareness that there is so much more to life. With every ultrasound, I was reminded death is not final. I had a baby boy who was going to prove to be amazing in the Kingdom and I get to be his mommy...forever.
The 8th slipped by me...so I just had to put it out there that the day may have slipped by, but I'll never forget it. The 8th of September is forever marked in my mind...just like the 11th of November, the 1st of August, the 21st of October and 5th of October...there are just some days that change your life forever. The question is...will it change you for the better? It did me.
Mommy misses you Isaac.
9.09.2009
Coming Up for Air
I should admit to you I have been drowning lately, but only because I wanted to. I'm not sure you would say I was being selfish...more protective. For those of you who know me, you know I don't hide much. I don't subscribe to living a life where we aren't transparent. Every one of us deals with junk. We have secrets we hide, nightmares that scare us, relationships that wound us, moments that make us crazy, pasts that still embarrass us, haunt us, torment us...but what is it worth if we can't share our experiences with the person sitting next to us? I've expressed before the thought our experiences not only define us, but they are worth something more than our need to keep them to ourselves. You never know when you're going to meet the one person experiencing the same thing...thinking they are alone in it...wondering if they will survive it...and if you are a survivor, how amazing to share HOPE with them? I guess that's why I'm always wondering, am I allowing myself to be used as a tool for the Kingdom? Or am I pretending to be perfect with all the right answers and all the pretty solutions? None of us fit that picture perfect ideal. I've met people who think they do...and I don't have nice thoughts about them (just a small confession) I'm not saying we should run out and expose every personal detail about ourselves online or the front page of the newspaper...what I'm saying is, we have to believe God is bigger in our situations, bigger than the shame or hurt they can often produce. The feeling we are alone is a lie and it cheats us of being used if we internalize it and never share the story with another person. That's all I'm saying...well that and the rest of what I'm about to write...
I've been reflecting on the summer and I've decided enough of the storm has passed that I can come up for air. I waited this long because I knew if I started sucking down air too early, I would take all the oxygen left in the world and suffocate you and that would not be nice...see how thoughtful I am even in the midst of suffering? :o)
So the reality is this: the winds of languish have been beating down on my life and instead of taking a stand and fighting (like you might assume I would) I decided to hide. I ran away to clear my head...I didn't even lick my wounds, I just ignored them...and they got bigger. I was angry and rebelling...I was mad about a lot of things...but mostly...I was frustrated with God and in that frustration began to listen to the lies the enemy feeds. Hear me when I say, I KNEW I was under attack and I was too tired to fight, so I just kicked back and ignored the so called "advice you'd give to a friend" the "taste of your own medicine" and sailed through the summer trying not to think.
So somewhere between June and September, a reality began to creep in that this person that writes and lives and loves the Lord was failing miserably at being anything close to what He was calling me to be. Somewhere between June and September I heard His beckoning me home and I willfully turned and walked the other direction. Somewhere between June and September I began to justify the hiding and I bought a lie hook, line and sinker. Somewhere between June and September the substance of who I am became tainted with deceit.......
You know what amazes? How quickly these seasons of sin can come on us. But if we have enough courage to be honest with our situation, who we are in it, more importantly who God is calling us to be, the season can just as quickly leave if we are willing to confess and draw near to our Father. I was so terrifyingly on the edge of walking away from everything I know to be true...it scares me how close I was. Our wounds (in and of themselves) are the biggest culprit in leading us down a pathway of sin. We rationalize and then dupe ourselves into thinking we deserve a break from all of 'this'...and now I'm sitting back looking at the last 'June to September' and I'm saying to myself...REALLY? You really believed that? You really lived that? You really did that? and the only answer I have for myself is: yes.
I'm just now coming up for air...but this journey is just beginning.
Somewhere between June and September my heart started to break and I...defeated, tired, resigned...had enough courage to start praying God would deal with me. That He would work His wonder of passion and infuse me with His will, and not my own. I didn't have to wait long. I had to face some hard things and I'm going to face more. The truth of the matter is, none of us are exempt from sin. This person who has written Bible studies, taught God's word at conferences, yearned to be on the ground of a mission field hugging babies and loving orphans...even this servant can fall into the trap left out by the enemy. I am so humbled and grateful that somewhere between June and September, our Father showed me I'm not the ONE person in the world that is exempt from grace. Praise you Father.
So why am exposing myself? Because for whatever purpose, God is calling me to be real and continue my pursuit to a life of authenticity. I don't have to label each transgression of my life for you...I don't need to glorify the sin, but I need to glorify God's work in my life. He is mighty. His ability to change your circumstances is real. There is nothing fake about this walk. There is nothing weak about admitting we have broken lives. There is nothing fabricated about my heart. I want to be real to you. More importantly, I want God to be real to you, and if He is real in me, maybe you will have hope that even in the midst of your circumstances, He can turn your life around in less than a heartbeat.
God is good. Listen to the whisper, don't walk the other way.
I've been reflecting on the summer and I've decided enough of the storm has passed that I can come up for air. I waited this long because I knew if I started sucking down air too early, I would take all the oxygen left in the world and suffocate you and that would not be nice...see how thoughtful I am even in the midst of suffering? :o)
So the reality is this: the winds of languish have been beating down on my life and instead of taking a stand and fighting (like you might assume I would) I decided to hide. I ran away to clear my head...I didn't even lick my wounds, I just ignored them...and they got bigger. I was angry and rebelling...I was mad about a lot of things...but mostly...I was frustrated with God and in that frustration began to listen to the lies the enemy feeds. Hear me when I say, I KNEW I was under attack and I was too tired to fight, so I just kicked back and ignored the so called "advice you'd give to a friend" the "taste of your own medicine" and sailed through the summer trying not to think.
So somewhere between June and September, a reality began to creep in that this person that writes and lives and loves the Lord was failing miserably at being anything close to what He was calling me to be. Somewhere between June and September I heard His beckoning me home and I willfully turned and walked the other direction. Somewhere between June and September I began to justify the hiding and I bought a lie hook, line and sinker. Somewhere between June and September the substance of who I am became tainted with deceit.......
You know what amazes? How quickly these seasons of sin can come on us. But if we have enough courage to be honest with our situation, who we are in it, more importantly who God is calling us to be, the season can just as quickly leave if we are willing to confess and draw near to our Father. I was so terrifyingly on the edge of walking away from everything I know to be true...it scares me how close I was. Our wounds (in and of themselves) are the biggest culprit in leading us down a pathway of sin. We rationalize and then dupe ourselves into thinking we deserve a break from all of 'this'...and now I'm sitting back looking at the last 'June to September' and I'm saying to myself...REALLY? You really believed that? You really lived that? You really did that? and the only answer I have for myself is: yes.
I'm just now coming up for air...but this journey is just beginning.
Somewhere between June and September my heart started to break and I...defeated, tired, resigned...had enough courage to start praying God would deal with me. That He would work His wonder of passion and infuse me with His will, and not my own. I didn't have to wait long. I had to face some hard things and I'm going to face more. The truth of the matter is, none of us are exempt from sin. This person who has written Bible studies, taught God's word at conferences, yearned to be on the ground of a mission field hugging babies and loving orphans...even this servant can fall into the trap left out by the enemy. I am so humbled and grateful that somewhere between June and September, our Father showed me I'm not the ONE person in the world that is exempt from grace. Praise you Father.
So why am exposing myself? Because for whatever purpose, God is calling me to be real and continue my pursuit to a life of authenticity. I don't have to label each transgression of my life for you...I don't need to glorify the sin, but I need to glorify God's work in my life. He is mighty. His ability to change your circumstances is real. There is nothing fake about this walk. There is nothing weak about admitting we have broken lives. There is nothing fabricated about my heart. I want to be real to you. More importantly, I want God to be real to you, and if He is real in me, maybe you will have hope that even in the midst of your circumstances, He can turn your life around in less than a heartbeat.
God is good. Listen to the whisper, don't walk the other way.
8.26.2009
Passion
So I've been thinking about the concept of 'Passion'...I was drying my hair this morning and I realized how easy it is to work on the things we are passionate about. If you like to paint, it brings you inexplicable joy...you paint. If you like to sing, it overwhelms you with emotion, you sing. I have friends that are passionate about cleaning...they don't visit often enough :o) (AMY!) In any case, how easy it is to do thing that you are passionate about?
When was the last time you asked God to show you where He wanted your passions directed? I asked myself a couple questions this morning. One was what am I passionate about? What gives me a strong desire, or outburst of emotion that grabs a hold of my heart and I just have to do that one thing? and...What am I unwilling or afraid of asking God to make me passionate about? What if we were to start asking God to give us passion for the thing we have no desire to be passionate about? What if...what if there is one thing He is calling us to and all we can do is point at it and say 'huh? that...really???'
I guess this is where rubber meets road for most of us. I am called to many things in life, but a lot of those things have been clouded lately...I have stepped outside of my desires to be passionate about much of anything, covered my head with a pillow and turned the iPod up full blast so I could drown out the noise...white noise would have even sounded better. So as I asked myself the question, the response was clear that my very clouded future was where my passion should be directed. Or more likely...passion in His will over my life even though I have no clue what that is. Passion in His plan, even though He hasn't exactly let me on the secret. Passionate about the simple truth that He IS doing something...what is something?
A friend of mine said the other day they were looking through their windshield, the sun was rising, and the window was filthy...you couldn't see a thing...but in looking in the rear view mirror, the view was crystal clear...the thought that surfaced? Life. If all we have is a dirty windshield to look out of for our future and nothing grabs our hearts about it...we better start praying God would make us passionate about dirty windows, messed up futures and maybe ask Him to send some windshield washer fluid. Just His ability to sooth us in our distress and worry about what is to come is sometimes enough of what we need...even if we don't see the view in front of us.
Ecclesiastes 7:14 comes to mind:
When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future.
Nothing about the future looks clear...but I can ask God make me passionate about His plan, His will and the mess in front of me.
Then will I seek His face,
then will He touch me with grace,
When my plan has failed, the train derailed,
the Cross still stands to embrace
In glory I find my riches,
in silence His voice overcomes,
and in that sweet moment of whispers,
This servants heart is undone.
Passionate about living
Each moment in His arms so strong
Giving up on the dream of my own plan
In Gods clasp is where I belong
I find no solace in life’s broken journey
No quiet in places I keep
But in obedience I hope for the future
When at last in His home I will sleep
When was the last time you asked God to show you where He wanted your passions directed? I asked myself a couple questions this morning. One was what am I passionate about? What gives me a strong desire, or outburst of emotion that grabs a hold of my heart and I just have to do that one thing? and...What am I unwilling or afraid of asking God to make me passionate about? What if we were to start asking God to give us passion for the thing we have no desire to be passionate about? What if...what if there is one thing He is calling us to and all we can do is point at it and say 'huh? that...really???'
I guess this is where rubber meets road for most of us. I am called to many things in life, but a lot of those things have been clouded lately...I have stepped outside of my desires to be passionate about much of anything, covered my head with a pillow and turned the iPod up full blast so I could drown out the noise...white noise would have even sounded better. So as I asked myself the question, the response was clear that my very clouded future was where my passion should be directed. Or more likely...passion in His will over my life even though I have no clue what that is. Passion in His plan, even though He hasn't exactly let me on the secret. Passionate about the simple truth that He IS doing something...what is something?
A friend of mine said the other day they were looking through their windshield, the sun was rising, and the window was filthy...you couldn't see a thing...but in looking in the rear view mirror, the view was crystal clear...the thought that surfaced? Life. If all we have is a dirty windshield to look out of for our future and nothing grabs our hearts about it...we better start praying God would make us passionate about dirty windows, messed up futures and maybe ask Him to send some windshield washer fluid. Just His ability to sooth us in our distress and worry about what is to come is sometimes enough of what we need...even if we don't see the view in front of us.
Ecclesiastes 7:14 comes to mind:
When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future.
Nothing about the future looks clear...but I can ask God make me passionate about His plan, His will and the mess in front of me.
Then will I seek His face,
then will He touch me with grace,
When my plan has failed, the train derailed,
the Cross still stands to embrace
In glory I find my riches,
in silence His voice overcomes,
and in that sweet moment of whispers,
This servants heart is undone.
Passionate about living
Each moment in His arms so strong
Giving up on the dream of my own plan
In Gods clasp is where I belong
I find no solace in life’s broken journey
No quiet in places I keep
But in obedience I hope for the future
When at last in His home I will sleep
7.20.2009
That Smoker Girl
I want to tell you a story. I think some of you may be appalled to know I was a very heavy smoker for a very long time...not all of you would be horrified...just some of you...like those of you who have known me for YEARS...who attended church where my father preached and watched a few years of my growing up and can not believe that I...Sara...This Girl...would be the Smoker Girl. But I was. And I want to tell you this story, but if it's going to cause you angst or grief then I suggest you get into a calm state. Go watch Kung Foo Panda and rest in the words of Oogway as he guides Jack Black into the challenge ahead...then come back :0)
Okay...so several years ago (can I say several when it's only been 4?) I was spending plenty of time working through the church women's ministry doing women's ministry things. I was very active, very involved and always looking for the betterment of the women at our church. As a leadership team we decided it would be great to take our 'girls' to see Beth Moore in Kansas City, MO. We started the arduous work of planning a trip...you know...who was going to go in who's car, etc. Being the awesome leadership team that we were, my bff and I thought how cool this trip was going to be for all these ladies. THEY were so in need of a word and we just knew if anyone could deliver a good word, it was Beth. So off we went. We arrived at the conference where we were in back of some 15k women in line to get in to the arena...yes 15,000 and eagerly waited in line with 7 other women...3 of who were very preggo. We sat in the nose bleed section, had a great worship time and eagerly awaited Beth to take center stage. What happened next was a story in and of itself...but let me tell you this: God took center stage, I was (and my bff was) cowering in my seat at the top of the arena attempting to survive and not get killed right then and there. We drove home Sunday afternoon and I wept begging God not to make me go home. He was starting to break me. He was sending me big vibes that He was serious and it was time for me to start listening. I knew He was getting ready to do a mighty work, and this smoker girl was not sure what that looked like, but I knew it wasn't going to be a fun ride at Six Flags.
In our piousness...the bff and I decided it was time to have a fast. We knew she was being called to something bigger in ministry and I was being called to something...AND our husbands were really struggling...and since we were being called to something and they were struggling...we had to help them along....so...we began the plan to fast. The weekend had whipped us and we were going to be ready...and so were our husbands...when He called us to 'Crossing Our River of Fear' (this was the message for the weekend). So we scheduled time, made sure it was going to be productive, got our scriptures ready and equipped ourselves for a very successful 24 hour fast. The women's ministry girl that I was took center stage and quietly and humbly, I must say, told the bff that the Smoker Girl would not get a cigarette during that 24 hours. Understanding the rules about the fast and knowing how much I was grieving God I was sure that I could abstain from smoking for 24 hours. YES...it would be a hard road...but I could do it.
Let me once again interject here because I know some of you are thinking you know where I'm going with this...and no this is not a message about how you can't smoke and be in ministry...I promise...but if you are getting apprehensive and exasperated please refer to the first paragraph again (scadoosh)
Okay...back to the story. So my awesome mom and I were hangin out and I asked her one day about 2 weeks before the BIG fast if she thought a 24 hour fast was worth it. I had been feeling pressed to do a longer fast, but wasn't sure. So she answered that unless I was going to be completely alone and have time to focus, that a 24 fast would not be AS affective. Now keep in mind here...I was fasting for my husband...and I knew God could do something big if I would give it the time...BUT I had to consult my bff first. Later that evening I got a call from her and without knowing the whole conversation I had had with my mom she announced she really felt led to a longer fast. I told her about my conversation with mom and we laughed...how cool...God was really working...speaking to us...this was really really going to help our husbands. So SEVEN DAYS it was...count um! SEVEN DAYS TO FAST.
November 1st 2005 rolled around. Today was the first day of the fast. I was on fire, reading my scriptures, drinking only water, surrounding myself with worship music...I was doing well.
November 2nd 2005 rolled into view. That morning in the shower I was washing my hair when it dawned on me...the quiet humble promise I had made...and the ministry girl was gone and smoker girl was CENTER stage. I couldn't believe it. I had been TRICKED! Here I was, humble, doing everything I was supposed to be doing in this fast and it was all for the advancement of the Kingdom, the enrichment of the ministry, and most importantly the growth of my husband...this was NOT about ME! I was appalled, angry, bewildered...I stood in my kitchen hours later still struggling with the task at hand and raised my hands to heaven and yelled 'THIS IS NOT FUNNY....YOU DIDN'T EVEN LET ME HAVE MY LAST CIGARETTE'...for those of you who smoked at one point in time...you know how important the LAST cigarette is...don't pretend like you don't....I just knew He was laughing. It was a joke...He outwitted me once again!
The seriousness of this? For years I had been fighting. I didn't want to smoke. Smoker Girl liked it...don't get me wrong...Smoker Girl like it a LOT...but me...Sara...hated it. I woke up every morning and fought the urge to get out the door to the patio where that demon smoke awaited me. I would hit snooze on my alarm...just to push myself to where I had only just enough time to get out the door...I would sit with my cup of coffee and beg God to take away the addiction...and I would list all the ways I didn't want Him to take it away. Things like: please don't let me have cancer, please don't let me blow up my car while I'm smoking and driving and kill me while you kill the addiction, please don't take it away like 'this' and please don't take it away like 'that'. I was desperate to be done...but I had no strength to do it on my own. It got in the way of just about everything and I hated it. I began to work through the week with one verse in had that I said over and over...because now it wasn't about fasting for my husband, now it wasn't about figuring out my future...where God wanted me...now it was all about making it through the next urge to pick up a pack because I had made a promise I would not smoke while I was fasting...never in my wildest dreams thinking I would commit to not smoking for more than 24 hours...but here I was. 1 Corinthians 6:12 became the verse I would say over and over and over: Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything.
It has been almost 4 years. I'm terrified to touch another cigarette...I think about it...Smoker Girl comes around here and there and she makes life hard (she has other issues that have nothing to do with smoking) but God did a big work in me. He took something away I asked Him to take away. I will not go back. That is a river of fear that should be feared...and not crossed.
I tell you all this so that you will know and see the power of His healing hand. It hurts sometimes to be healed of addiction. He breaks us, bends us, molds us...heals us. There are much worse addictions out there. Our world is seeped in sinful enslavement of the quick fix. Whether it's alcohol, viccodin, heroin, smoking, pornography...it's so readily available. So easy to come by...and it's the demon that waits for us every day....but we are under the Mighty Hand of a God who cares about our addictions. He wants us to be freed up from the slavery and bondage that this world holds over us. We are set apart.
If you are struggling...know that God is bigger...know that He is able...and the next time someone tells you that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle...think about this: If He didn't give you things you couldn't handle...when would you ever turn back to Him for help?
Be specific in your prayer. Give Him your best request, define it, make it specific...and then don't be surprised when you feel like you need to fast....
Okay...so several years ago (can I say several when it's only been 4?) I was spending plenty of time working through the church women's ministry doing women's ministry things. I was very active, very involved and always looking for the betterment of the women at our church. As a leadership team we decided it would be great to take our 'girls' to see Beth Moore in Kansas City, MO. We started the arduous work of planning a trip...you know...who was going to go in who's car, etc. Being the awesome leadership team that we were, my bff and I thought how cool this trip was going to be for all these ladies. THEY were so in need of a word and we just knew if anyone could deliver a good word, it was Beth. So off we went. We arrived at the conference where we were in back of some 15k women in line to get in to the arena...yes 15,000 and eagerly waited in line with 7 other women...3 of who were very preggo. We sat in the nose bleed section, had a great worship time and eagerly awaited Beth to take center stage. What happened next was a story in and of itself...but let me tell you this: God took center stage, I was (and my bff was) cowering in my seat at the top of the arena attempting to survive and not get killed right then and there. We drove home Sunday afternoon and I wept begging God not to make me go home. He was starting to break me. He was sending me big vibes that He was serious and it was time for me to start listening. I knew He was getting ready to do a mighty work, and this smoker girl was not sure what that looked like, but I knew it wasn't going to be a fun ride at Six Flags.
In our piousness...the bff and I decided it was time to have a fast. We knew she was being called to something bigger in ministry and I was being called to something...AND our husbands were really struggling...and since we were being called to something and they were struggling...we had to help them along....so...we began the plan to fast. The weekend had whipped us and we were going to be ready...and so were our husbands...when He called us to 'Crossing Our River of Fear' (this was the message for the weekend). So we scheduled time, made sure it was going to be productive, got our scriptures ready and equipped ourselves for a very successful 24 hour fast. The women's ministry girl that I was took center stage and quietly and humbly, I must say, told the bff that the Smoker Girl would not get a cigarette during that 24 hours. Understanding the rules about the fast and knowing how much I was grieving God I was sure that I could abstain from smoking for 24 hours. YES...it would be a hard road...but I could do it.
Let me once again interject here because I know some of you are thinking you know where I'm going with this...and no this is not a message about how you can't smoke and be in ministry...I promise...but if you are getting apprehensive and exasperated please refer to the first paragraph again (scadoosh)
Okay...back to the story. So my awesome mom and I were hangin out and I asked her one day about 2 weeks before the BIG fast if she thought a 24 hour fast was worth it. I had been feeling pressed to do a longer fast, but wasn't sure. So she answered that unless I was going to be completely alone and have time to focus, that a 24 fast would not be AS affective. Now keep in mind here...I was fasting for my husband...and I knew God could do something big if I would give it the time...BUT I had to consult my bff first. Later that evening I got a call from her and without knowing the whole conversation I had had with my mom she announced she really felt led to a longer fast. I told her about my conversation with mom and we laughed...how cool...God was really working...speaking to us...this was really really going to help our husbands. So SEVEN DAYS it was...count um! SEVEN DAYS TO FAST.
November 1st 2005 rolled around. Today was the first day of the fast. I was on fire, reading my scriptures, drinking only water, surrounding myself with worship music...I was doing well.
November 2nd 2005 rolled into view. That morning in the shower I was washing my hair when it dawned on me...the quiet humble promise I had made...and the ministry girl was gone and smoker girl was CENTER stage. I couldn't believe it. I had been TRICKED! Here I was, humble, doing everything I was supposed to be doing in this fast and it was all for the advancement of the Kingdom, the enrichment of the ministry, and most importantly the growth of my husband...this was NOT about ME! I was appalled, angry, bewildered...I stood in my kitchen hours later still struggling with the task at hand and raised my hands to heaven and yelled 'THIS IS NOT FUNNY....YOU DIDN'T EVEN LET ME HAVE MY LAST CIGARETTE'...for those of you who smoked at one point in time...you know how important the LAST cigarette is...don't pretend like you don't....I just knew He was laughing. It was a joke...He outwitted me once again!
The seriousness of this? For years I had been fighting. I didn't want to smoke. Smoker Girl liked it...don't get me wrong...Smoker Girl like it a LOT...but me...Sara...hated it. I woke up every morning and fought the urge to get out the door to the patio where that demon smoke awaited me. I would hit snooze on my alarm...just to push myself to where I had only just enough time to get out the door...I would sit with my cup of coffee and beg God to take away the addiction...and I would list all the ways I didn't want Him to take it away. Things like: please don't let me have cancer, please don't let me blow up my car while I'm smoking and driving and kill me while you kill the addiction, please don't take it away like 'this' and please don't take it away like 'that'. I was desperate to be done...but I had no strength to do it on my own. It got in the way of just about everything and I hated it. I began to work through the week with one verse in had that I said over and over...because now it wasn't about fasting for my husband, now it wasn't about figuring out my future...where God wanted me...now it was all about making it through the next urge to pick up a pack because I had made a promise I would not smoke while I was fasting...never in my wildest dreams thinking I would commit to not smoking for more than 24 hours...but here I was. 1 Corinthians 6:12 became the verse I would say over and over and over: Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything.
It has been almost 4 years. I'm terrified to touch another cigarette...I think about it...Smoker Girl comes around here and there and she makes life hard (she has other issues that have nothing to do with smoking) but God did a big work in me. He took something away I asked Him to take away. I will not go back. That is a river of fear that should be feared...and not crossed.
I tell you all this so that you will know and see the power of His healing hand. It hurts sometimes to be healed of addiction. He breaks us, bends us, molds us...heals us. There are much worse addictions out there. Our world is seeped in sinful enslavement of the quick fix. Whether it's alcohol, viccodin, heroin, smoking, pornography...it's so readily available. So easy to come by...and it's the demon that waits for us every day....but we are under the Mighty Hand of a God who cares about our addictions. He wants us to be freed up from the slavery and bondage that this world holds over us. We are set apart.
If you are struggling...know that God is bigger...know that He is able...and the next time someone tells you that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle...think about this: If He didn't give you things you couldn't handle...when would you ever turn back to Him for help?
Be specific in your prayer. Give Him your best request, define it, make it specific...and then don't be surprised when you feel like you need to fast....
7.19.2009
Ever have that feeling like you just DON'T want to go to church? Not because you want to sleep in. Not because it's a hassle getting the whole family out of the house. Not because you have company coming over and you have too much to do. Only because you know you're going to get knocked upside the head with a word that will just leave you almost dead in the pew...
...let me interject here and tell you if you are attending a church where this never happens...you are either doing REALLY well...or you should find a different church
Anyway...that is how I feel this morning. I keep sitting here thinking...'I haven't even gotten to fixing the things we talked about 7 Sundays ago...' Good news though...I take notes every Sunday so I won't forget. C. S. Lewis wrote: If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.
I will be in church this morning seeking truth because I know at some point in time, in this very broken life, I would love to have comfort. I encourage you to be there too. Not because it's the social event of the week. Not because it's just what we do. Only because it builds on discovering a life you could never imagine was possible.
Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Heb 10:25
7.14.2009
My Name is Sara Pipkin...
What was the point of Christ being sacrificed on the cross for our sins if none of us can admit we are sinners? (I just had Emeril yell BAM in the background of my mind)
Don't we all just get tired of living, breathing, walking...talking...convincing...pretending.
I have been on a very deep journey lately and tonight I'm weary. I'm grateful for grace, but it's pointless if I can't say this:
My name is Sara Pipkin and I'm a sinner.
If in the end if ALL I have is a voice to say the above statement and nothing left but the grace of our Father and the miracle of His forgiveness...then I have all I need.
Don't we all just get tired of living, breathing, walking...talking...convincing...pretending.
I have been on a very deep journey lately and tonight I'm weary. I'm grateful for grace, but it's pointless if I can't say this:
My name is Sara Pipkin and I'm a sinner.
If in the end if ALL I have is a voice to say the above statement and nothing left but the grace of our Father and the miracle of His forgiveness...then I have all I need.
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