Seven Pounds

Seven Pounds – Not for the faint of heart (no pun intended) – don’t read if you haven’t seen the movie and are going to…

I just finished watching Seven Pounds. As is customary for me, I figured the plot out in about 15 minutes. That usually annoys me, however in this case I think it was good for me to know what was to come. This is a hard movie to watch. I had heard mixed reviews on it, but wanted still to see it for myself.

I’m trying to press the feelings out of me this movie has conjured up. It’s like that scene in Harry Potter where he has to find the right key to open the door and there are tons of them floating in the room and he’s looking and looking but so overwhelmed by all the keys at once. That is how I feel. So many emotions, but I can’t grab the right one to explain.

This is a heavy plot, this is a plot laced with hopelessness and sadness and you feel it from the get go. This is a plot I believe many of us in so many ways can relate to because it is a story about the quest for redemption. If you have ever been as messed up and lost as I have been then you can relate to the unmanageable desire to really feel forgiven, redeemed…free. I think in so many ways, even though we know we have grace, the reality is most of us have to beg to feel it over and over. Our humanness picks up our past sins and time and time again we try with all our might to obliterate it from cognizance, but as hard as we try, the mess is still committed to memory. Along with the mess, the emotion of it can cast a shadow over you as if you were experiencing the offense all over again. So we pick it up…and set out to break free from it. We try with all our might to gain some control over it, always aware we can never really forgive ourselves. So what is the point?

There are times when I feel so defeated by my past sins that it gets me running again, seeking breathlessly for deliverance. But all in all I know redemption is not mine to give…and never to be earned. What bothers me about this movie is Will’s hopeless end. He pieces out himself to either save other peoples lives, or make them better and in the end he’s dead. He has no idea if what he did was helpful, or even to be around to feel the redemption. So is it that we need to feel it or that we need to punish ourselves for passed crimes? My point is there is no longer any sacrifice for sin (Heb 10:18) so why are we constantly trying to redeem ourselves. Will Smith has suffered major tragedy and has set out to make it right, to redeem himself, to fix it. The problem is no matter how hard we try to fix things by earning our redemption we won’t succeed. Micah 7:18 says ‘Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.’

There is only one way to gain redemption. There is only one way to receive grace. There is only one way to truly recognize forgiveness and that is at the foot of the cross. We might live our entire lives returning to His feet begging for him to take the feelings of hopelessness away, but the fact is we are returning. It’s when we stop seeking His face to save us that we fall short. Smith never realizes the redemption in this movie for by the end, he’s not around to even know it…what redemption is there in that?

What I know is this: There is suffering. There is suffering in Christ, but there is hope in Christ, and best of all…there IS redemption.

The Adequacy of My Inadequacy

A couple weeks the bug had climbed into the crib with biscuits and was pretending the monitor was a phone…a phone to which I was on the other end of, but she didn’t know it. As is normal for her, she started preaching. What can I say? It's in her blood. So I grabbed my blackberry and started recording and I laughed and laughed. At one point she started saying this ‘Okay, well I have to go now and be with my brother so I love you…love Hallie and Asher … heart heart heart – just like she was making me a picture, she was verbalizing what she would put down – and then she said H A L L I E and A A A SHH … A A A SHHH RRRR heart heart heart” I was rolling!

I didn’t want her to know I had recorded her so later that night when she was getting ready for bed I put the headphones in and handed my husband the phone and he proceeded to listen as I busied myself around our room. I thought it was really odd that he wasn’t laughing because her little talk was full of humor! So I smiled at him, he smiled at me and I put some more laundry away and kept my eye on him. ‘Why isn’t he laughing? Maybe I thought it was funny…but it really wasn't funny because he just had this ‘I’m floating into outer space’ look and THEN I started REALLY thinking and analyzing… there were two voice notes on my phone: one of Hallie and one of me. One of me driving with the kids asleep recording my thoughts and what I thought I needed to remember and what I believed God was telling me…TWO voice notes…one funny…one me…and one hubby not laughing…

Doesn’t take much to figure that one out does it?

I grabbed the phone and said ‘wait a second…what are you listening to?’

And he said ‘You’…

UGH…

To which I responded… ‘well that is not what I wanted you to listen to’ and I switched the recording handed him the phone moved away as fast as I could. My face flaming red guessing all the horrible things he must be thinking of me. How lame I sounded, how silly.

A little while later this is the conversation we had:

“So, is that a recording of what you are speaking on?”

I say “UM…well…sort of…I just needed to get my thoughts out”

"Can I make a suggestion?” He asks

And this is me blank stare and finally: ‘Um, ok…sure’

"You need to stop saying Um so much”.

To which I responded: “Well…you know…I was just trying to put my thoughts out there and work through them” (I WAS MORTIFIED!) "Besides, I'm not a professional speaker so it's a little hard fro me not to just speak how I speak and be who I am."

"I know, it is just a suggestion, when you are practicing, just be aware of it." Then he asks "What are you speaking on again?"

"Being inadequate!"

Which is completely true. I have had a LOT of time to think about how inadequate I am. I have come up with a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t be writing OR be speaking, but for some reason I still am. So in this journey of searching for some inadequate people in the Bible I decided I was going to stay away from the immediate one that popped into my mind…#1 was David – I thought I could share the story of David and Goliath and then…eh…nah…so then I told God one morning “I am so inadequate I can’t even come up with something to say about being inadequate” and He said a few things to me: #1 was you can get up in a room full of women and speak about lactating (this is just something I have become very familiar with…and not because I do it well...and not something I will go into here, however I actually spoke to a room full of women about why I don’t do it well…go figure), anyway He says “you can speak to a room full of women about lactating, but you can’t take 15 minutes to talk to your sisters in Christ about me…what is that about?” To which I thought ‘this could end up badly if I don’t pull it together’. So we talked that morning a lot about the things I personally am inadequate with. I laid my insecurities at His feet and almost like a spoiled child pointed at them and said "Look! Why in the world would you have me air all this to these sweet women?" but that was not what He was going to have me put down on paper to communicate to you about. You see there are times when I believe He lets us fall flat on our face to help us learn. I think we are stubborn a lot of the time and we need to be tripped up a little, but I also believe that He does not shame us. This whole thing...is not about me, this is not about MY inadequacy…this is about Him. This right here is about His adequacy…so He is going to teach this segment…not me.

Lets have a history lesson:

During the time of Christ (and this is still practiced today) Children began their study at age 4-5 in Beth Sefer (elementary school). The teaching focused primarily on the Torah. For those of you who aren't familiar, the Torah is first 5 books of the Bible. During this time, the children would learn to read and write, and their study guide was the Torah. Not only was reading and writing part of their education, memorization was huge and most students had the Torah memorized by the time they finished this level of education.

The best students continued their study (while learning a trade) in Beth Midrash (secondary school) also taught by a rabbi of the community. They continued their education by beginning to learn the interpretations of the Oral Torah. Memorization continued to be important because most people did not have their own copy of the Scripture so they either had to know it by heart or go to the synagogue to consult the village scroll. A few (very few) of the most outstanding Beth Midrash students began interview processes to study with a famous rabbi often leaving home to travel with him. These students were called talmidim in Hebrew, which is translated disciple. Traditionally, the student would apply, go thru a grueling interview process and then if they were lucky 2 or 3 would be asked to follow the Rabbi. There is much more to a talmid than what we call student. A student wants to know what the teacher knows for the grade, to complete the class or the degree or even out of respect for the teacher. A talmid wants to be like the teacher, that is to become what the teacher is. The student would follow the rabbi to a degree that we would probably view as a definite violation of personal space. The goal was for the student to become the master. From the way the Rabbi walked, to hand gestures, to the way he ate...the student was set on becoming exactly...not just...exactly like his teacher. If at the end of the interview process the student was not chosen, the Rabbi would essentially tell that student, you know you are great, go home, get a wife, make babies and work your family business.

Visualize this with me: Here we have two young men who are working the family trade. Two young men who worked as hard as they could, they memorized and labored over their study to become smart enough and worthy enough for a rabbi to accept them into his talmidim. Two young men who have been turned away. Two young men who have failed to accomplish what every father hoped for their son to become. Its hot and they are both quiet, still reflecting on the 'what could have been'. There is not a lot to catch today. The inadequacy of not being chosen hangs like a cloud over Peter's head as he recounts the way he was turned away, and now here is again...a failure...he can't even catch any fish. From the distance a noise shakes him out of his solemn trance. As the crowd comes closer he sees the man everyone has been talking about. A Rabbi of a different kind. People were saying all sorts of things about him. He was one of the smartest seen out of the walls of Galilee and he was challenging the very foundation of what Peter had been taught. Oh he had heard alright, and now he was here to add the icing on the cake of his day. Is He coming closer to the shore? He's talking to me! What is he saying:

"Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch." Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets." When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon's partners. Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men." So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him." (Luke 5:4-11)

Point # 1 is this: As inadequate as we are, Christ is seeking us to join his Telmidim. There is no interview process, there is no proving you are worthy, there is just a call: Come, follow me. Can you imagine the heart of Peter's dad the day his son does not return home. Word reaches him and he finds out his son has been chosen. What? Chosen? Finally!? How can it be? But he wasn't good enough right?

Are you feeling inadequate?

So here you are in ministry. I have to tell you I never thought I would be here. I’ve had plans all along for my life that God keeps interrupting with His own and I you have to know something: I am so grateful His plans take precedence. I don’t believe if I knew exactly what I was doing all the time, if I was an expert on everything, God would be able to use me much. So if you blunder all over the place like I do, take heart, God is the thing that completes us. This is where we have the Jerry McGuire moment and instead of hearing Tom Cruise say ‘You complete me’ God is saying ‘I complete you’ and I have to believe that sends goose bumps down your spine. To know the Creator of the Universe has something going on in you. He gets we don’t have it all together, He understands we are completely inadequate and He knows it’s in our inadequacy He does his best work. Out of something these men weren’t able to accomplish in getting accepted to telmadin, Christ bore something bigger and called them disciple.

My 2nd point today is don’t get caught in the whining. It is a privilege for me to serve you and I’m sure our Passionate Heart team can tell you I whine about being too inadequate to speak. I keep saying, I think I’m too young…who would want to listen to me? This is where God’s sense of humor get’s good. I got up one morning and I was telling Him, you know you let Moses use Aaron…why can’t I have an Aaron…to which God replied ‘you should familiarize yourself with that story a little more’. So I sat down at about 5:30 and started reading the story of Moses and I could not believe how much the man whined…He didn’t want to go meet Pharaoh, he was always worried about what the people would say back to him and what he would say…and then there it was…plain as day ‘24 At a lodging place on the way, the LORD met {Moses} and was about to kill him.' EEEK! Now there was a reason behind this, but really what I believe is God had had enough. NOW…don’t get me wrong I’m not saying if you start to whine about where He calls you that He’s going to show up to kill you…but I do believe that our whining gets in the way of doing. If we believe we are here for His purpose and we fill our time up with constant inward reflection about what we are being called to do, we will quickly become selfish and there is no place for God to work in that.

1 Corinthians 2:2 For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. 4My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, 5so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

Jesus is still calling his Telmudine…and just like the first disciples, we are inadequately qualified. We will never be able to measure up to the standards of perfection and what an amazing gift that is that we have a God that loves us enough to use us right where we are at and still calls us to be a part of something bigger.

There are just some days where I just can't dang do it! I open up my laptop, log on to my favorite blogs and from there I start my 'Blog Jog' as I like to call it where I go from blog to blog seeing pictures and reading stories about other people.

Today...I kept landing on pages where babies...SWEET and precious babies are sick, or premie in the hospital...words of pain and anguish...scriptures...updates...ugh...and then I think...there are just some days when I can't dang do this...

Biscuits has his first fever so he slept next to me all night...hot and uncomfortable...and then he woke up at 5am to nurse and he looked at me through sickly little eyes and what did he do? SMILED...man I love this boy.

I don't have a scripture for myself this morning...all I know to say to myself is God is who He says He is, God can do what He says He can do, I am who God says I am, I can do all things through Christ, and God's word is alive and active in me.

So on days when Isaac is big on the brain, heavier on the heart...I don't want to rush to hold Asher to take that feeling away...Asher is Asher...I still miss my Isaac.

Headed to the doc with the boy. Love you all...all three of you that follow my blog :)

S

A Hallie Conversation

I should keep better track of these! This is from this morning.

I woke Hallie up bright and early this Saturday morning as I had signed her up for a 'Drama Boot Camp' hosted by the Front Range Christian Middle School kiddos. I sat down on her bed, shut her fan off and as she rolled over I said "are you ready for boot camp?". To which she excitedly jumped out of bed and grabbed the clothes I had put out for her.

"Hallie, get those on and brush your teeth when you are done."
"Mom, can I come in your room if I need help?"
"Of course you can baby" I said and hastily moved to my own room to get ready to leave. It was already 7:20 and we had to get on the road.

Hallie snuck in to my room and as I buttoned her jeans I reminded her she needed shoes. She considered this for a few moments then said "Mom, can I wear my black boots?" I thought about it, but since they have a little heal on them I though they may be dangerous for her to be running around in and said "I think you need to find your tennies and get those on."

She looked at the floor for a few minutes and then whispered (as Biscuits and The Man were still sleeping) "But don't I need boots?"
"What?"
"Don't I need boots?" she said "since it's a boot camp" I laughed and smiled at her and explained it's not that kind of boot camp.

The she asked "Well what are we going to do?"
"I think you are going to learn some songs, dress up and you may even learn a dance or two"
"A cowboy dance?!" she exclaimed excitedly
"Well" I said carefully trying my darnedest not to laugh "Maybe...yea maybe"
"That would be so cool mom, a cowboy dance just like they do in Highlands Ranch" and off she ran to brush her teeth.

I love her...she is so Innocent, all over the place and mine. Doesn't get much better.


PS: Highlands Ranch is a suburb of Denver just South and West of us.


PSS:
Tonight was the surprise party for my best friend Joni. What a flippin blast. She had no clue and I had her convinced I was so sick I couldn't come to her birthday dinner. Here is a picture of her cake:

The girl (Joni) is trying to get back over the hill to her youth...ain't gonna happen sister :)

February 10th...

Okay! Tucker is home. We've had an eventful day and needless to say I am READY for some good sleep...if only I could sleep in tomorrow! I prayed out loud on our way home with Tuc that it would snow so hard I wouldn't have to go to Brighton tomorrow for a loan application and Jason said 'you just prayed for something that will make me have to shovel snow all morning before I go to work!'...sorry honey!

SO! Thanks to a gift card to Macaroni Grill Jason and I were able to indulge ourselves in a little anniversary dinner! Today was our eighth wedding anniversary.

We had a good time just chatting and being alone for a little while tonight before we went to pick up the doggie who was released from the doggie hospital this evening with a HUGE list of instructions! One of the instructions was he is not to drink a lot of water...well...that is just about nuts for this guy! They told us to put a bowl of ice cubes out and let him lick them...I was just thinking 'are you kidding me?' He loves his water! So baby tuc tuc has water restrictions, eating restrictions, pills to take, sleeping to happen, etc. Whatever the case may be, I am happy my boy is home and I think he is too...

I appreciate all your prayers, kind words and good vibes! Have a fantastic week. God bless ya!

Pounds and Prayer

Here's the deal. I don't like January 1st. Not for the reason you may think. January 2nd does mark the 2 year anniversary of Isaac's death...but I'm not going there right now.

So I've never been one for New Years resolutions. I think if you want to change something you should do it when you think about it instead of waiting for the New Year. I don't think that when God said in Jeremiah 'for I know the plans I have for you' He meant...I have a plan for you so when January 1st rolls around...you need to get on it! I believe that when a change comes about in your heart, mind, spirit...whatever the case may be...it's a challenge to get to the next thing. Sometimes the next thing is difficult, sometimes...not so much.

Where am I going with this? Well, as I said I'm not much for the whole resolution thing, but this year...I'm half doing it my way and half doing it the worlds way. I need to lose weight...that's a given right after having had a baby...need to get in shape... yada yada yada...but since the holidays are here and I seem to be lacking some self control at the moment...I will keep eating and enjoying every bite until January 1st rolls around...then it is focus on the POUNDS...or lack there of hopefully. The here and change it now thing? Prayer. I am going to confess to you that in September when all the TV shows were premiering on TV I decided I wanted to watch Greys Anatomy again. So one night after one of the shows...I was sitting on my bed thinking 'I think I need to fast, but I can't because I'm nursing...so where does that leave me' and then I hear this: 'well...you could stop watching junk like Greys Anatomy' EEK! Okay it's settled. I not only won't watch Grey's Anatomy...I won't watch TV. A HERE AND NOW resolution. Here is the confession part - instead of filling my NON TV time up with our Father...I filled up with OTHER not so TVish things that had nothing to do with Him. I know the point of fasting...but I failed miserably at fasting from TV and being with Him.

So here we go...another Here and Now resolution (feel free to steal that term and use it for yourself) I need time with my Father and I need to do it when all the shows are raging on TV. I need to chat with Him, tell Him how miserably I failed at believing Him (again), I need to tell him about those of you who have precious hearts that are breaking, I need to sit in quiet and listen for His voice and I need to do it NOW!

There are a lot of you out there that are formulating your resolutions. You are deciding what that goal looks like, how you will achieve it, and by all means we don't even have to ask when it will start. Here is my question to you: Is the goal you are making a goal benefiting your walk with our Father? If the answer to that is yes...then you have a Here and Now Resolution and you can start right now...YES right now...start it NOW! READ MY LIPS: N O W

The Spirit is talking and you don't know if you are going to even have a new year to start the thing...so if you are going to change something...do it now and stop ignoring the Father when He calls you to a greater challenge. The probability that you will achieve this over all the resolutions you are holding out to start on New Years day is pretty big.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I am already working on my Here and Now Resolution of Prayer...and by the time January 1st rolls around and I start working on the Pounds part...maybe I'll have the Prayer thing down...then I can have Pounds and Prayer...who knows...we may start a revolution with it!

Trusting God With Our Nation

Over the last year the political tension has been building in these United States. You turn your radio on, it's on every station. You answer your phone and the local representatives are begging for your vote. We all know what the TV ads look like...who even wants to turn the TV on these days?

In my life time, I have not seen this much hoopla over an election. Each candidate is fighting for issues, slamming each other, and neither one are willing to admit their own failings. Instead its point their finger at each other and shame, shame, shame on you. The threat to national security, sanctity of marriage and the plight to save the unborn life is all paramount and weighs so heavy on our hearts. The choice for president has turned into an emotional decision. To be truthful, I have likes and dislikes about both candidates. But to even be more truthful, my dislikes outweigh the likes.

The question I have been asking myself these last few months is this: Is there a possibility that no matter who wins this election, God’s man will be our president? I think the answer to that (in my mind) is a resounding ‘Yes’. I could write a dissertation on the men used in the Bible who were not Godly saints…just so God could change a nation…but I don’t have time. I’m not saying we have no voice…and I’m not saying just because ‘God’s will be done’ it negates our responsibility to do what is right. What I’m saying is when did we decide God was not in control anymore?

There seems to be this out of control move to get people voting, because we are panicked that one or the other is going flush our country down the toilet. I’ve got news for you: We’ve been spinning in the bowl for a long time! This nation as a whole lost its perspective a LONG time ago. We no longer believe in ‘One nation under God’, let alone trusting Him that no matter what we decide, His will is going to be done and…AND…that it is what is best for us and for His kingdom. Here is my example on this (and yes a bit of a pro-life slant, but I believe I can speak on this one from experience):

I was asked several times in one day to have an abortion. I had a nurse look me in the eyes and tell me I was going to have a boy, ten fingers, ten toes, eyes, nose and mouth…and THEN ask me to terminate my pregnancy.

I have to interject this real quick…I believe abortion is murder and it if flat out wrong no matter what the circumstances….I do not however believe it ends a life. I believe if you are a woman who is agonizing over your decision to have an abortion, there is grace for you and there is hope. We can make horribly wrong decision in life, changing the course of our own forever, but your baby…lives. If we believe in eternal life, Heaven or hell, we know that there is no end. So if you are reading this and you are struggling, please know God is such a good and gracious God, He is not only willing to forgive you, but He’s also got your little one safe! It has taken me a long time to come to terms with women who abort, especially ones with babies that have a Trisomy disorder, but I want you to know that with all my heart I love you and I am praying for you.

Most of you know my story, but a piece you do not know is I had another condition that threatened my life if I carried to term and delivered. I knew without a shadow of doubt God was going to do what was necessary to protect me, even if that meant I would be delivered into His arms at the same time Isaac was. Was I scared? Yes. Did that sway me? NO. Why? Because I trust God and I know no matter what the outcome: He is in control. My other point is you may make all the right choices, but the outcome may not be what you want. I know I made the right choice to carry my son and deliver him, but in my heart I ache for him. I miss him so much and am holding tight to the day that dawns when I get to grab him and hug him and mother him like nobody’s business!

When I was pregnant with Isaac and getting ready to deliver him at 39 weeks, hoping and praying we would get to hold his BREATHING body for just a little while, it wasn’t about whether or not I had the right choice to not have an abortion, it wasn’t about whether I had made the wrong choice endangering my life, it was all about whether or not I had chosen to trust God and believed He was still in control NO MATTER THE OUTCOME.

So I beg the question do you trust Him that no matter what vote you cast He has it under control? I’m not choosing a savior for America with my vote…I already have one for my life. That is all that matters…and HE is still in control.

My prediction on who wins the election? God does. Whether it’s Obama or McCain, the battle belongs to our God…and we have already won.