Holding on to sand...

I'm not going to lie. I've been stressed lately. I have been fighting a battle for a long time with other people's perceptions and keeping idols where they shouldn't be kept - a lot of times those idols live in how I'm viewed. There are other things too though...like the more tangible things...this economy is killing us right now and it's time to make some decisions. The hard ones. The ones that change the course of your life...or maybe not. MAYBE...what I'm holding on to is not THAT big of a deal. MAYBE it's like trying to hold on to sand...

If I picked up an arm full of sand and squeezed it with everything I had, that would be the equivalent to what life is like in the world of material possessions. Not only are we cautioned about building our house on the sand...but we're also told to store up our treasures in Heaven (thank you Amanda for reminding me). How eternally appropriate: Matthew 6:19-20 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 

I'm not sure what battle you are up against today. I wish I could pray all of your pain and my pain away quickly...but that isn't 'of' this world. We live in the fleetingness of this place and everything about it is temporary...unsettled...unnatural...all I can say is I'm so grateful Heaven awaits us. So grateful.

Unchanged in the world of His mystery

Holds the treasure our Father secures

Finding peace in the sea’s of His mercy

Let the waves wash my pain off His shore

This world I know all too well now

And it’s shadowed by mysteries above

This agony my day brings to find me

Is eased by the hope of His love

Rest in eternal redemption

Swim in the oceans of grace

Where no pain and sorrow will find me

Only the smile on my sweet saviors face

Something to pray about...

So this has been a tough weekend. We have set into the dark months of my work...which are usually January and February...this is where I don't close anything, just because of the time of year...and we have to do a lot of praying to make it to the next commission and pay day. We also had our basement overflow with sewage yesterday. Disaster...horrible, smelly disaster. I cried only once, but gagged a LOT. After a lot of bleach, ripped out carpet and hurt back I stood in my wrecked basement and thanked God for preparing me for what I know is an awareness of things to come.


Can I handle standing in Africa, amidst poor water conditions and children who are being wasted away by that? Can I handle going to India and deal with the stench of the trash and children fishing through it to find their next meal?
Can I stand in Haiti and soak in the devastation of an already poor country hit by devastation beyond what I can understand?
Can I?


My answer is I will. I love how God works through our days. Shows us things we otherwise wouldn't recognize in our comfortable living rooms, eating our fast food and watching TV that takes us away from reality into a world that pulls us from being aware. I WANT to be in that mode of full awareness...daily understanding that I'm blessed...holding a child that never otherwise would feel loved if it wasn't for people like us willing to go. I'm so ready.


We are on a journey. Will my husband lose his job? Will I get another commission anytime soon? Will the Lord finally show us when and where we are to be?


I don't know. If you want to pray with us, we'd love that. What I do know? I'm grateful our sewage system backed up yesterday.


Love you all.


Sara

I'm not ignoring you...

For those of you who are so wonderful and faithful at checking back at my blog to see if there are any updates, I just wanted to update you on the latest update...in a not so updated sort of fashion....overkill? Okay I'm done, here it goes:

I am speaking this Friday, if the weather permits, and therefore all of my writing energies are focused on that right now...and being a mom, mother and mortgage broker...and Bible Study...

So, don't be dismayed, because I just know you're in a fetal position on the floor waiting for my next post....(insert cricket noises here) (once again)..I will be back.

Love you all. I will most likely post what I spoke on next, so be reading up on Balaam and the Donkey and lets see if you can guess what I'm talking on.

Sara

PS: This is me getting distracted from writing to prove I wear glasses to my Brandi girl...you can her check out HERE and you should because she rocks!

Have to stop...

My latest blog hopping venture has taken me all over the blogerworld to find people that have adopted from different countries, all with so very different stories, very different drives, but one common thread - the one true God.

I have to stop. I can do this for hours and what I usually find is myself in a near pile of tears on the floor feeling helpless and (shamefully) jealous that I can't do more than just pray right now. On one hand I'm so ready to jump in and just Do the THING and go start the process of helping wherever I can, and on the other hand, I temper my drive with the what if's and the logic behind the emotional conquest. I know - because I hear and read - that it is not easy. Reading stories like this tend to ground me back to reality, but then there is still a tug that pulls at my heart strings, and like an addiction I come back for more 2, 3, 4, 5 times a day just to read and see the pictures of the children smiling, unsure of where they are and where they are going and even if this is the real deal. So many of them have tasted and seen things you and I can not even conjure up in our heads. They are in need of serious love and support. Can I do that? Then I weep and exclaim, Father, only you know the intentions of my heart. Search me and find anything that is a vain desire and dispel of it so that when the time comes, I can do Your bidding with a pure heart, eager to show You and Your love to any child who will take it from me. Lord...if I am not ready, make me ready.

It is so appropriate that He is searching me even now and we (our Father and I) are communicating about the way He would take Jason and I as I begin to teach this Friday on rising to the challenge of Kingdom work. All around me He interjects thoughts and provokes images in my mind that show me we are called to His work, if we would just believe of ourselves what He believes in us. So often we step back and recoil from doing anything other than our daily life because we don't believe God can use someone like us...someone like me...what does that mean? Why are we so stuck on the fact that we are the ONE person God has chose not to use in a mighty way? We are the one person who did that one unforgivable thing that God refuses to use..who are WE to say what we are, when clearly He has called us, before the foundations of the earth was laid, He called us.

Man! I get so frustrated with the whining and the sniveling and hear me now...it's my own whining and sniveling I take issue with here. I don't know where you stand in your walk...but I know in mine, I've spent way to much time flushing minutes down the toilet waiting for the next big thing...waiting for God to use me in a big way...all the while in my arrogance thinking the small ways are too small for me and they really don't count. ugh....

Lord, use me. In the small ways, in the big ways, just use me. Don't let a day go by where You don't afford me the opportunity to do Your work, to see Your people and the life around me the way You see it. I don't want to wonder and waste away thinking I could have done something big...You Lord are SO big and in all things that are working for Your good, for Your glory....it is big and it is amazing. Thank you for calling me to Your plan. Whatever that is, I ask You take me to it. I am ruined for Your plan. Please, don't let my words wither away into nothingness, allow me to write and speak all that is You and all for You.

use me...

My reality? I may never get to adopt. I may never go overseas and work again. I may never realize the picture of what I believe is the thing to do...but if I'm doing what God calls me to....if I'm listening to His desire over my life and taking the challenge...I will have all and be doing all that I need. What more could I ask for but to be in His world doing His work now?

Thy Kingdom come...Thy will be done.

Yes Lord.

To My Husband

Jason,

The last year of our marriage has been one God moment after another. If anyone has a doubt as to His existence, we can prove them otherwise over and over at this point. The biggest testimony to His work in me is that you are still here with me.

Nine years ago today I woke up without one doubt in my mind or heart that I was getting ready to seal a part of the plan God had ordained over my life from the moment of His weaving me in the womb. There was never a man that stirred my heart the way you had. You were meant for me. At times over the years I haven't treated you as the gift that you are. This passed year...I have done and said a lot of stupid things. I have broken your heart, made you cry, doubted His plan, run away from you and hurt you so many times. For that..I am so sorry. And for that...I am so greatful for your forgiveness.

Jason, no one ever made me feel the safety I felt when I was in your arms. I still feel that way after 12 years of being in your arms. I can't tell you how happy I am to know that I get to have that for the rest of my life. I never in my wildest dreams thought we would be here today, loving each other the way we do with the security that our relationship has been ordained by the King Himself and NO ONE can tear that apart. You are mine.

I am more in love with you than I ever thought possible. When I look at you, I don't just see a guy that I share a house with and 3 babies with...I see a really hot man who makes my knees week and my tummy fill with butterflies. I look at you and I can't believe you still want anything to do with me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for not giving up on us.

I love you Jason. Happy Anniversary.

Writing to Write

Years ago...when I was in college...which really was years and years ago....I took a persuasive writing class. I really wasn't that into school and I had yet to declare a major, so I would pick classes that seemed to be easy enough to get through. I can't even tell you what my thesis was on for this class other than it had something to do with G. Gordon Liddy, and don't even ask me what I could have possibly persuaded people about when it came to Liddy...the answer to that is I have no clue. But I wrote it and I turned it in and I passed...so really does anything else matter? 

As any self respecting college student would do, I wrote my first assignment hours before it was due. Due to the complicated nature of the assignment and my lack of hours researching for the paper, I opted to write a paper on why you should have fish for pets instead of cats or dogs. It was very remarkable and earned me an outstanding grade as well as a proclamation from my teacher that she had declared my major for me...and it would be English. Ask me how far that has taken me...no don't...no...yea no...

Anyway, God showed me that my writing capabilities are dwindling due to my lack of ...well...writing AND listening to Him. So I have made the commitment to write. I am writing to write and I don't know what I'm writing about....except for writing. Are you on the edge of your seat yet? (insert cricket noises here) Well of course you are! All this really is leading up to something I promise. 

Several months ago I woke up in the middle of the night from a horrible dream...for those of you who dream about showing up to work without undies pants...or school without your homework...this was NOT one of those dreams. This was a dream about being left behind. The rapture had taken place, and I was still here...it goes much deeper than this...but what I want to convey to you is the depth of pain with which my soul cried out. I literally went into the hallway and got flat on my face and begged the Lord to speak so that I would know the dream was not real. As tears soaked the fibers underneath my face I realized His peace was covering my soul and I was not deserted. A fire began in me to stop the 'general' pursuit of Bible Study and increasing my 'book smart' knowledge of Him and change to a pursuit of 'everything in action'. I realized that early morning that we REALLY ARE only here for a short time. And we REALLY DON'T know the hour or the day...  

The wheels on our life are beginning to pick up speed and more and more we see there is something bigger going on and we begin to question what is He going to use us for and where are we going... Then I realized I don't want to just read about what other people are doing for the Kingdom, I want to do! Then this other question started nagging at me 'What is the point of what I do now?'. How does my daily work impact the Kingdom? Then the fire of questions caught wind and one of the words blowing through the flames was: 'Write'. So I said: 'okay, I will write, but You realize who your asking to write...right?'  And answering my one question with one word He said 'You'. And with that He has began to answer me with new things...demolishing insecurities...highlighting new needs that require more reliance on Him...interjecting new thoughts and ideas that are so fresh and real. So often I have a tendency to sit and write about Him, instead of to Him. So often I have a tendency to talk about Him, instead of listen to Him. So often, when I hear Him say...'I want to use you...now write' I have a tendency to say 'who am I?' and 'what for?'. Then I realized that my own insecurity was leading me to sin. My overwhelming fear of falling prey to pride and attention was giving way to the enemy to keep me silent and directly disobeying our Father. I have been called to be DOING this whole time...but I was HIDING instead...and for what? 

So today...new thing...I'm obeying and writing. I'm believing God has a lot of things to say and I'm believing I can be used in that. FOR HIS GLORY ONLY. Not my will but thine o Lord that Your name might be proclaimed throughout Heaven and Earth. 

I may not always have insightful things to say...but I want to DO...so I will. That is all I have to say today...well till my daughter gets in the car and tells me about which boy she chased today and then she will get the next earful. 

Go use your gift. He gave it to you for a reason. Make the commitment to take the seat of responsibility He is offering you. The work is hard, the reward is better. 

Love you all,

Sara 

Disaster Relief

Jason and I had the honor a few years ago to work with the Salvation Army in Greensburg Kansas after the F5 tornado ripped their town apart. When I say apart...I mean A PART! We have a heart for really wanting to be in the thick of it helping, but right now that is not a possibility for us. Jason was reading their website today and this picture is on the front page and I wanted to share it with you: 

Roads of devastation. It is such a sobering thing to see and it puts your world into quick perspective. But sometimes our lives feel like natural disasters. Sometimes we feel like every direction we turn there is a problem or one other thing that is falling apart. Our marriage. Our kids out of control. The church we attend is doing more harm to it's members than good. Our friends are toxic. The list could go on and on and leave us feeling like we don't have much left. 

I love the caption the Salvation Army put here: We combat natural disasters with acts of God. If this were a picture of my life, I think I would want the caption to say: He combats my life with acts of grace. 

Is your life in ruins today? Would it be nice to get some rescue work in your world? Numbers 10:9 God is talking to Moses and He says: When you go into battle in your own land against an enemy who is oppressing you, sound a blast on the trumpets. Then you will be remembered by the LORD your God and rescued from your enemies.

Go into battle today confident that God is ready to rescue you! Luckily for us, we don't have to carry a trumpet around and freak our co-workers out when we give out a big 'ol blast! Call on your God to rescue you! 

Psalm 145:17-19

¹⁷ The LORD is righteous in all his ways
       and loving toward all he has made.
 ¹⁸ The LORD is near to all who call on him,
       to all who call on him in truth.
 ¹⁹ He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
       he hears their cry and saves them.