Passion

So I've been thinking about the concept of 'Passion'...I was drying my hair this morning and I realized how easy it is to work on the things we are passionate about. If you like to paint, it brings you inexplicable joy...you paint. If you like to sing, it overwhelms you with emotion, you sing. I have friends that are passionate about cleaning...they don't visit often enough :o) (AMY!) In any case, how easy it is to do thing that you are passionate about?

When was the last time you asked God to show you where He wanted your passions directed? I asked myself a couple questions this morning. One was what am I passionate about? What gives me a strong desire, or outburst of emotion that grabs a hold of my heart and I just have to do that one thing? and...What am I unwilling or afraid of asking God to make me passionate about? What if we were to start asking God to give us passion for the thing we have no desire to be passionate about? What if...what if there is one thing He is calling us to and all we can do is point at it and say 'huh? that...really???'

I guess this is where rubber meets road for most of us. I am called to many things in life, but a lot of those things have been clouded lately...I have stepped outside of my desires to be passionate about much of anything, covered my head with a pillow and turned the iPod up full blast so I could drown out the noise...white noise would have even sounded better. So as I asked myself the question, the response was clear that my very clouded future was where my passion should be directed. Or more likely...passion in His will over my life even though I have no clue what that is. Passion in His plan, even though He hasn't exactly let me on the secret. Passionate about the simple truth that He IS doing something...what is something?

A friend of mine said the other day they were looking through their windshield, the sun was rising, and the window was filthy...you couldn't see a thing...but in looking in the rear view mirror, the view was crystal clear...the thought that surfaced? Life. If all we have is a dirty windshield to look out of for our future and nothing grabs our hearts about it...we better start praying God would make us passionate about dirty windows, messed up futures and maybe ask Him to send some windshield washer fluid. Just His ability to sooth us in our distress and worry about what is to come is sometimes enough of what we need...even if we don't see the view in front of us.

Ecclesiastes 7:14 comes to mind:

When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future.

Nothing about the future looks clear...but I can ask God make me passionate about His plan, His will and the mess in front of me.

Then will I seek His face,
then will He touch me with grace,
When my plan has failed, the train derailed,
the Cross still stands to embrace
In glory I find my riches,
in silence His voice overcomes,
and in that sweet moment of whispers,
This servants heart is undone.
Passionate about living
Each moment in His arms so strong
Giving up on the dream of my own plan
In Gods clasp is where I belong
I find no solace in life’s broken journey
No quiet in places I keep
But in obedience I hope for the future
When at last in His home I will sleep

That Smoker Girl

I want to tell you a story. I think some of you may be appalled to know I was a very heavy smoker for a very long time...not all of you would be horrified...just some of you...like those of you who have known me for YEARS...who attended church where my father preached and watched a few years of my growing up and can not believe that I...Sara...This Girl...would be the Smoker Girl. But I was. And I want to tell you this story, but if it's going to cause you angst or grief then I suggest you get into a calm state. Go watch Kung Foo Panda and rest in the words of Oogway as he guides Jack Black into the challenge ahead...then come back :0)

Okay...so several years ago (can I say several when it's only been 4?) I was spending plenty of time working through the church women's ministry doing women's ministry things. I was very active, very involved and always looking for the betterment of the women at our church. As a leadership team we decided it would be great to take our 'girls' to see Beth Moore in Kansas City, MO. We started the arduous work of planning a trip...you know...who was going to go in who's car, etc. Being the awesome leadership team that we were, my bff and I thought how cool this trip was going to be for all these ladies. THEY were so in need of a word and we just knew if anyone could deliver a good word, it was Beth. So off we went. We arrived at the conference where we were in back of some 15k women in line to get in to the arena...yes 15,000 and eagerly waited in line with 7 other women...3 of who were very preggo. We sat in the nose bleed section, had a great worship time and eagerly awaited Beth to take center stage. What happened next was a story in and of itself...but let me tell you this: God took center stage, I was (and my bff was) cowering in my seat at the top of the arena attempting to survive and not get killed right then and there. We drove home Sunday afternoon and I wept begging God not to make me go home. He was starting to break me. He was sending me big vibes that He was serious and it was time for me to start listening. I knew He was getting ready to do a mighty work, and this smoker girl was not sure what that looked like, but I knew it wasn't going to be a fun ride at Six Flags.

In our piousness...the bff and I decided it was time to have a fast. We knew she was being called to something bigger in ministry and I was being called to something...AND our husbands were really struggling...and since we were being called to something and they were struggling...we had to help them along....so...we began the plan to fast. The weekend had whipped us and we were going to be ready...and so were our husbands...when He called us to 'Crossing Our River of Fear' (this was the message for the weekend). So we scheduled time, made sure it was going to be productive, got our scriptures ready and equipped ourselves for a very successful 24 hour fast. The women's ministry girl that I was took center stage and quietly and humbly, I must say, told the bff that the Smoker Girl would not get a cigarette during that 24 hours. Understanding the rules about the fast and knowing how much I was grieving God I was sure that I could abstain from smoking for 24 hours. YES...it would be a hard road...but I could do it.

Let me once again interject here because I know some of you are thinking you know where I'm going with this...and no this is not a message about how you can't smoke and be in ministry...I promise...but if you are getting apprehensive and exasperated please refer to the first paragraph again (scadoosh)

Okay...back to the story. So my awesome mom and I were hangin out and I asked her one day about 2 weeks before the BIG fast if she thought a 24 hour fast was worth it. I had been feeling pressed to do a longer fast, but wasn't sure. So she answered that unless I was going to be completely alone and have time to focus, that a 24 fast would not be AS affective. Now keep in mind here...I was fasting for my husband...and I knew God could do something big if I would give it the time...BUT I had to consult my bff first. Later that evening I got a call from her and without knowing the whole conversation I had had with my mom she announced she really felt led to a longer fast. I told her about my conversation with mom and we laughed...how cool...God was really working...speaking to us...this was really really going to help our husbands. So SEVEN DAYS it was...count um! SEVEN DAYS TO FAST.

November 1st 2005 rolled around. Today was the first day of the fast. I was on fire, reading my scriptures, drinking only water, surrounding myself with worship music...I was doing well.

November 2nd 2005 rolled into view. That morning in the shower I was washing my hair when it dawned on me...the quiet humble promise I had made...and the ministry girl was gone and smoker girl was CENTER stage. I couldn't believe it. I had been TRICKED! Here I was, humble, doing everything I was supposed to be doing in this fast and it was all for the advancement of the Kingdom, the enrichment of the ministry, and most importantly the growth of my husband...this was NOT about ME! I was appalled, angry, bewildered...I stood in my kitchen hours later still struggling with the task at hand and raised my hands to heaven and yelled 'THIS IS NOT FUNNY....YOU DIDN'T EVEN LET ME HAVE MY LAST CIGARETTE'...for those of you who smoked at one point in time...you know how important the LAST cigarette is...don't pretend like you don't....I just knew He was laughing. It was a joke...He outwitted me once again!

The seriousness of this? For years I had been fighting. I didn't want to smoke. Smoker Girl liked it...don't get me wrong...Smoker Girl like it a LOT...but me...Sara...hated it. I woke up every morning and fought the urge to get out the door to the patio where that demon smoke awaited me. I would hit snooze on my alarm...just to push myself to where I had only just enough time to get out the door...I would sit with my cup of coffee and beg God to take away the addiction...and I would list all the ways I didn't want Him to take it away. Things like: please don't let me have cancer, please don't let me blow up my car while I'm smoking and driving and kill me while you kill the addiction, please don't take it away like 'this' and please don't take it away like 'that'. I was desperate to be done...but I had no strength to do it on my own. It got in the way of just about everything and I hated it. I began to work through the week with one verse in had that I said over and over...because now it wasn't about fasting for my husband, now it wasn't about figuring out my future...where God wanted me...now it was all about making it through the next urge to pick up a pack because I had made a promise I would not smoke while I was fasting...never in my wildest dreams thinking I would commit to not smoking for more than 24 hours...but here I was. 1 Corinthians 6:12 became the verse I would say over and over and over: Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything.

It has been almost 4 years. I'm terrified to touch another cigarette...I think about it...Smoker Girl comes around here and there and she makes life hard (she has other issues that have nothing to do with smoking) but God did a big work in me. He took something away I asked Him to take away. I will not go back. That is a river of fear that should be feared...and not crossed.

I tell you all this so that you will know and see the power of His healing hand. It hurts sometimes to be healed of addiction. He breaks us, bends us, molds us...heals us. There are much worse addictions out there. Our world is seeped in sinful enslavement of the quick fix. Whether it's alcohol, viccodin, heroin, smoking, pornography...it's so readily available. So easy to come by...and it's the demon that waits for us every day....but we are under the Mighty Hand of a God who cares about our addictions. He wants us to be freed up from the slavery and bondage that this world holds over us. We are set apart.

If you are struggling...know that God is bigger...know that He is able...and the next time someone tells you that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle...think about this: If He didn't give you things you couldn't handle...when would you ever turn back to Him for help?

Be specific in your prayer. Give Him your best request, define it, make it specific...and then don't be surprised when you feel like you need to fast....

Ever have that feeling like you just DON'T want to go to church? Not because you want to sleep in. Not because it's a hassle getting the whole family out of the house. Not because you have company coming over and you have too much to do. Only because you know you're going to get knocked upside the head with a word that will just leave you almost dead in the pew...

...let me interject here and tell you if you are attending a church where this never happens...you are either doing REALLY well...or you should find a different church

Anyway...that is how I feel this morning. I keep sitting here thinking...'I haven't even gotten to fixing the things we talked about 7 Sundays ago...' Good news though...I take notes every Sunday so I won't forget. C. S. Lewis wrote: If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.

I will be in church this morning seeking truth because I know at some point in time, in this very broken life, I would love to have comfort. I encourage you to be there too. Not because it's the social event of the week. Not because it's just what we do. Only because it builds on discovering a life you could never imagine was possible.

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Heb 10:25

My Name is Sara Pipkin...

What was the point of Christ being sacrificed on the cross for our sins if none of us can admit we are sinners? (I just had Emeril yell BAM in the background of my mind)

Don't we all just get tired of living, breathing, walking...talking...convincing...pretending.

I have been on a very deep journey lately and tonight I'm weary. I'm grateful for grace, but it's pointless if I can't say this:

My name is Sara Pipkin and I'm a sinner.

If in the end if ALL I have is a voice to say the above statement and nothing left but the grace of our Father and the miracle of His forgiveness...then I have all I need.

Grace & Trust

There are times when we stand still in our lives and take inventory. We start to really look at who we have become, what we have done, what we haven't done...we don't marginalize anything...we just look at the truth of the matter that has become our life. We stand in a gaping hole and wonder 'what in the world got me here?' We find ourselves lost and sometimes...in the worst of circumstances...not wanting to be found.

There is a point in life where we are supposed to grow up. We have to put aside the old and move forward with the new. We have to hang up our hang-ups, accept grace, and move onto the path God is forging for us. We have to realize that while it is important to speak truth to others as He leads us...it is even more imperative we speak truth to ourselves.

I think the thing that startles us most is when we are certain we have it all figured out, and then a wrench gets tossed into the plans, into our know it all, pumped up, self absorbed lives, and it throws us totally off track. We find ourselves, arms flailing, trying to find the light switch, while the world around us just grows darker and darker. We cry out to Yahweh in anger and beg Him to explain why and how we ended up in these dire straights. We overwhelm ourselves with ourselves and before we know it, the path is obscured, our life as we know it is over and all we have left is a very faint connection with the Creator and static on the line.

Then a miracle begins to happen if we hold still. As we wait for a better connection and listen, He begins to sing over us. He whispers words of truth and begins to fill the darkness of our heart with light. He gently sweeps away the brush to reveal the path and reminds us the road might be hard...but at least the path is open...and there grace abounds. For it is by grace He saves us (Eph 2:8) and lifts us out of the ashes (Ps 113:7) all the while promising His purpose beyond the pain is worthwhile and very necessary (2 Cor 5:4-6).

At some point in time we have to stand up and TRUST that His grace is sufficient, that He has a plan AND if He could handle creating the Universe, the food we eat, the water we drink and the ground we stand on, handling our future is NOT the one insurmountable task He can't accomplish.

I believe in the plan God has for me. I believe He will bring it to completion the easy way or the hard way (my way) and that what He has planned for me will be the best plan. I don't know what it looks like, but I'm holding on for the ride and hopefully I'll be able to let go and do it His way...not my way.

Supporting Jonah

You may have noticed the ad in my right panel that says "Praying for Jonah"

I want to encourage you to pray for this family. Jonah...this little bundle of sweetness has Epidermolysis bullosa (EB). It is a rare genetic disease characterized by the presence of extremely fragile skin and recurrent blister formation, resulting from minor mechanical friction or trauma.

This family is doing EVERYTHING it can to keep Jonah comfortable, happy and progressing. I invite you to click on the link. find out more about him and pray for this family. It's an amazing story and definitely helps put our own daily hustle and bustle of life into perspective.

love you all...

Missing a boy...

You know sometimes when I'm blog hopping, which I do frequently, I get stopped on a blog and begin to wonder why I'm not one of those bloggers.

I mean I started this blog with the intention of chronicling my journey with Isaac...it seems like I don't type or say that name enough. It seems like I am so busy with everything else the name Isaac is muffled and moved to the top shelf, waiting to be dusted off. I can not imagine that there has been a day that I have forgotten that I am not only The Bugs mom, Biscuits mom...but Isaac's mommy as well...but I think there have been those days. So I blog hop, and I read beautiful stories of how lives have been shaped, transformed, redeemed all at the feet of the Master when a child has been laid there...and I feel like I've missed out. In all reality though, I haven't. I have been shaped, transformed, redeemed and it has all been at the Masters feet, FOR the sake of the Master and most of it happened one day when I laid my boy there.

Don't think for second I don't miss him. Don't think for a second that now because Biscuits is here that we don't still feel like a family of 5. Don't think for one moment that I have forgotten I carried 3 babies in this body...I hate every minute of knowing I don't have him here growing with us. Living with us...playing. That does not mean I don't know I'm still blessed that he is with our Father. It doesn't mean I'm angry or that all of a sudden I'm changing my tune. It just really means I miss him...and I had to say that.

As I sit here writing, tears spilling down my face, what I want you to know is I miss Isaac Matthew and no one will ever take his place.