On December 24th, 2006 my best friend and another sweet friend gave me a gift. Bigger than normal gifts, it was not merely a gift found in a perfect package, but one of self sacrifice. I had been praying I would make it through Christmas and the end of the year before Isaac came. In silence the two joined me by fasting without my knowledge to pray that we would make it. To commemorate my journey they also gave me a charm bracelet with two sets of baby booties: one for a girl, and one for a boy. Both charms had my sweet little ones name engraved on them...but only one so far had a birth date. Not much time needed to pass before we had the date January 2nd, 2007 engraved on Isaac's charm and that bracelet became my link to him. I would wake up feeling like I'd climbed a mountain and just the touch of my baby charms made me feel reconnected with life. I hung on to it and held it close to me at all times because it was so so precious, yet somehow...in the summer of 2007...my bracelet disappeared. Up until a few weeks ago, I would still tear the house apart and cry all the while for God to bring it back. It had been almost a year, and it had been such a hard year. I thought for sure God was going to deliver us out of the pit we had ended up in. That my husband would find a new job, that business would be good, that everything around me would be glorious ALL because I had been obedient. Talk about some shame. January 2nd 2008 rolled around and I could not lift my eyes up to heaven for fear of being called out as a total fraud. I stood in the shower adding more tears to the water than the pipes where asking our Father to please forgive me, please heal my unbelief, that I really did trust Him and I would follow Him "Even if..." and "Even when".

As the words rolled off my tongue my phone rang. Wet arms grabbed the call as my husband was trying to reach me to give me the news that he had been offered a new job...minutes away from home...and more money...and he was so happy. The later was all I cared about. The tone of his voice was relieved and peaceful...and he quietly said to me "baby, it's all going to be ok...2008 is really going to be our year". Only moments before I had felt so defeated, I felt like nothing would change and now...NOW...I was carrying another baby and what would that mean for this little one. What if beyond Isaac's purpose in Heaven, it was also a test for my faith and life. Had I passed? Would I have to take the test again? What would prove me authentic? Would God ever really have all of me...ALL the time? You see, I know He has me, but like so many of us, I fall short of the consistency of ALL the time. I so desperately want to give Him ALL of me ALL the time. He is not here for crisis management. He's the creator of the day timer for Pete's sake! He is our every second, of every day. All of me....

So between January 2nd and January 18th, things started to change, but an upset started in the Pipkin house I was not prepared for. I found out a few days before Isaac's birthday that the cemetery had never delivered and placed Isaac's headstone. To make a very long story short, the DA was called to be involved, attorneys' were alerted, the media was contacted and my husband turned into a Lion...and the manager of the cemetery quickly promised my husband the headstone would be in place no later than the 20th of January. So now the 18th rolled around. Hallie was with Grandma and Grandpa Pipkin while Jason and I goofed off and eventually met the greatest friends we have ever been blessed with at the Melting Pot for a beautiful dinner. Dessert rolled around and our waiter came over after passing the plates around and said to me "let me go ahead and change out that plate for you" and placed a new plate with a gift on it in front of me. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was going on, but I looked at Joni and realized the shape of the box and started crying right away. The box contained a bracelet...a new one...and new charms were on their way. It was a new beginning. A new bracelet...a new start...God's timing was as usual perfect.

This week has a lot. Let me break down what I believe is truly the beginning for us:
Saturday - new bracelet
Sunday - Isaac's headstone was confirmed in place, and Hallie...the big sister got to finally see where her brother was laid to rest
Sunday afternoon - my Bible study so appropriately was on Abraham and the test of sacrificing Isaac - I cried all the way through as I remembered it's not the test but our obedience that is important - Will we give Him all of us...ALL the time
Tuesday - Jason starts his new job
Thursday - the test to know if our new baby is ok.
Friday - just breath and praise Him "even if...and even when..."

6 Days...& Trying NOT To Count

I had a fantastic closing today where God granted me the opportunity to share His recent moment of glory in my life. As I spoke the words I could feel myself checking that balance of belief vs. forced comments. It is so hard to not make the words a routine. The battle rages on in my heart to become as authentic as He wants me to be and I just fail time and time again. In any case...it just dawned on me one year ago this time I was sitting with my family around me waiting for the days to roll past with great anticipation of what was to come. Terrified my heart would not survive it, already broken by the uncertain future, but most of all...resigned that God is good...even if.

Faith in the midst of tragedy. Standing firm for who God called you to be even if you don't like the road you just ended up on. Actually...forget the word like...it's more like crawling out of your skin, wish you were a different person, want to run away from all of it, forget this road I'm on... You get the point. You face the waves of life daily, but this is the monsoon. You wake up in the morning and pull the covers over your head when you realize it really wasn't a dream and this is reality.

Somehow...somewhere in the midst of the pain and agony resonating through your body (a very physical pain) you steal moments with the Father that bring inexplicable joy. You pour over the book of Isaiah filled with the promise of redemption and life everlasting, allowing your tears to spill onto the words of the page, marking them forever with the memory of that moment...and He holds you and whispers "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." In the sobs of the greatest pain of your life you breath in His joy...because He is peace in the midst of trials, joy in the pain of agony, love in the world love lost, comfort in the place that can't be comforted...He is God...and He is there...and He is good...even if.

So as the days approach and the sadness of what was lost grows, the joy of what was gained increases more. The day should not be filled with shadows or grieving. Tears will flow, but so will His mercy...and I will remember the words so sweetly spoken to my heart "Do you not know? Have you not heard? I AM the everlasting God..."

anger...

There are a few things that really get me. Not a lot makes me mad, some things irratate me, but overall...I rarely get angry...right now I'm angry. There are two things I've learned to hate. The first is this: Don't tell me God doesn't give me things I can't handle...so I should be just fine. As far as I'm concerned that is a load of crap. Daily...DAILY He allows things to plague our lives that level us, bring us to our knees, flat on our faces only to be there begging Him to pick us up. Who ever said that? Did you think it was scriptural? Because it's not. When Jesus was tempted in the desert He said that God does not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can handle. That is nothing compared to getting the worse blow of our lives and wondering how on earth we are going to survive this one. Well...we don't. I think that's the whole point. Knowing when we can not, without the Fathers power, make it one more day. We submit to total devistation and we pray, and we cry and we scream and we expect for God to pick us up. Why? Because He said He would. Now THAT is scriptural.

Psalm 34:17
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles

Psalm 55:17
Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice

My second thing: there is not a nerve in my body that would ever begin to compare our losing Isaac with a parent to who has lost a child they have had at home with them for 5 years. What is that? Do you honestly think they are comprable? How is it you could tell someone who just lost their child that you know how they feel because you lost your baby when you were 8 weeks pregnant? Yes, it was probably horrible, it was difficult, yes you loved that baby too...but don't think for a second it is the same. Life is painful. But there are measures of pain. Burning your finger hurts a heck of a lot less than getting third degree burns all over you body. Don't minimize what a friend has just experienced by labeling your story to it thinking you have a margin of a clue about how they feel.

I know I sound angry today. This is not the voice of the woman who is usually full of reason and understanding. I lost that at some point this evening when I read a comment that sent me through the roof. I remember how that felt to have someone compare their tragedy to mine...it's not right. Let the person grieve and understand...you don't know how they feel unless you too...just lost a 5 year old boy to brain cancer.

On another note...I'm so ready for Him to take us home. I'm so weary fo this world we live in and this is the promise I'm holding on to today:

Isaiah 65:20
"Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years"

A brave boy...

Yesterday, through streams of tears and shaking hands, I tried so hard to remember God has a purpose for our lives that does not end on this earth.

It is so easy for us to get caught up in this 'here and now' and we forget our lives aren't random happenings that just are. God wove our spirit into our little bodies and knew from the beginning of time what our purpose would be. I knew when we lost Isaac, when those words were spoken, his life had a purpose, even in death.

Alex, you have a purpose still. We will miss you and will always remember your bright smilling face that would light up any room and we will dedicate every pancake we eat from this day forward to your memory.

letting go...

On January 2nd 2007 I had this moment...in the midst of agony and grief and fear, I asked my Savior for what seemed like the 100th time "how do I let go?". I knew, with every fiber of my being I was not strong enough to physically hand my sons body to a nurse, never to see his little face again on this earth. I waited trembling in anticipation for God to show up big in that hospital room. I waited for His voice to break thru the chaos and shake the windows of the room with words of comfort and wisdom. Something huge had to happen! After all this was my son, my ONLY son, so it had to be a big show by The Jehovah! Hadn’t I proved my faithfulness? My willingness to walk the path He had chosen for me? Was it too much to ask that He show up mightily in that little room? I waited, but there was no booming voice. There were no fireworks. There was no distant light that showed us a vision of our Father taking Isaac safely into His arms. So I held my son’s lifeless body close to me and sobbed again, “Father, how do I let go?” and ever so gently I heard His voice say “you just do.” Could it really be that simple? That plain?


I did manage to get thru it. By the grace of our Father, I managed to hand over my son into eternal rest. All the while the words “this baby has no heart beat” were ringing in my ears, but I left that hospital and days later I remembered something about another birth that was plain. One that was simple and unnoticed. A child was born in a manger with one purpose, to give his life away on a cross.


You may think my sharing this is overly personal, but what I know about this experience is this: My God does not make mistakes. I did not walk this road in vain to become silent at the end. This is a continuation of His story. Do not ever doubt His calling over your life to tragedy and expect that He will abandon you on your road. He is mighty and His strength is perfect. And whether He chooses to show up with fireworks and shake the ground, or to simply slip in unnoticed until the right time and whisper the perfect words to us, that is His call. But praise and glory be to our Heavenly Father, because He WILL show up.

1 Chronicles 29:9-10 Amplified Version
9 And you, Solomon my son, know the God of your father [have personal knowledge of Him, be acquainted with, and understand Him; appreciate, heed, and cherish Him] and serve Him with a blameless heart and a willing mind. For the Lord searches all hearts and minds and understands all the wanderings of the thoughts. If you seek Him [inquiring for and of Him and requiring Him as your first and vital necessity] you will find Him; but if you forsake Him, He will cast you off forever! 10 Take heed now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a house for the sanctuary. Be strong and do it!

It is snowing this morning and for some very odd reason we have our window open. That odd reason is my husband, but we won’t go there. Anyway, you could hear the cars at 5:30 this morning headed down the road. The traffic was getting in the way of my concentration (otherwise known as sleep). It’s Wednesday morning and we are headed towards the day coffee in hand (can I get an Amen) and moving full throttle. Our lives thus far have been filled with what to wear, should I go thru Starbucks on my way to work, are the kids going to behave at school, did homework get done, is my boss going to be in a good mood…I’m exhausted just writing these questions down. All this begs the question: What is your first and vital necessity in life? Yes we have responsibilities, yes we have to work, but what is your FIRST and vital necessity of life?

I have said it a million times and will continue to spread the word that we are so busy with life we have forgotten the creator of it! We have been busy enough that we have fashioned and formed Church into what fits for us. We have (over the years) turned Church into a social gathering, picking projects here and there, but mostly we just fill the pews on Sunday morning and worry about what is coming up Monday morning when we start the insanity all over again. How did we get this far without Him? Even I struggle with making Him my first and vital necessity, but oh how I want to know more. I am struck with the desire to drown in His words, to play in the waters of His wisdom and to soak in the rays of His glory! I want to know more, but mostly…I want to start doing more.

The last part of the scripture reading really gets me. ‘Be strong and do it’! Don’t we always just have an excuse? We find ways to not move forward with helping in a project or starting something new for His purpose because we are just too tired, too tapped out and too needy for fulfillment before we go and do the something else. I keep thinking of that song from Steven Curtis Chapman “There is more to this life, than living and dying, more than just trying to make it through the day…” When we are obedient to His calling he promises to bless us with joy and from joy comes energy…and the positive cycle of His desire for our lives begins. When did we ever come up with the idea that life is all about us? We were created to worship Him, to live for Him, to be strong and do the thing! Take it to the next level. Believe that He has promised joy and blessing when we move past that block in our mind that we are too busy.

…your first and vital necessity…Take a mental inventory of your ‘plans’ throughout each day and figure out how to fit Him in. His ways are more than just a topic of conversation, a sermon on Sunday morning…it’s a way of life. More than the air you breath…seek Him. Ask Him for the direction, for the desire…I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Father we want you as the be all end all of our days! As in all things, we just need your direction and calling on where you want us. Show us how to seek You more. Increase our desire for You daily; strengthen our resolve to never walk out of the house in the morning without having had our cup overflow with You first.

Our Vacation

We just spent six glorious days going through some of the most beautiful country God has created. I was blown away by the splendor and majesty of the Zion mountains and depth and width of the Grand Canyon. I spent a wonderful morning on the edge of the Virgin river with the Father basking in His attention while He covered me with the verses in Lamentations 3:21-27. The Lord IS good to those who hope in Him.

We spent hours hiking up trails, taking wrong turns and enjoying every second of it...well that is until you know who wanted to be carried up the steepest incline. We laughed and played games and ate...a lot! We had some quiet moments of sadness in reflecting on how we were one less and how our boy would be 9 months old on this trip. It was an amazing time.

We came home late Saturday evening and while I was going through the many pictures we took of the trip, my sister in law and I were commenting how the camera can not do justice to the beautiful handy work of our Lord. I did, however, stumble across one picture that took my breath away and that is this one of my most beautiful baby girl. Forget the mountains! I love that I have this creation with me every day to look at and enjoy. Not only does she take my breath away, but she makes up the greatest songs, sings them at the top of her lungs, asks the craziest questions no one has answers to and she even knows how to entertain herself for hours in the middle of no where with nothing to do. At one point she literally spent 2 hours digging for an elusive gopher she was sure lived in a mound of dirt next to the camper. Now THAT is an amazing creation.

Our trip was filled with awe and wonder, so much so I couldn't tell you half of what we saw at this point (Thank goodness we took five hundred pictures.) God granted us blessing after blessing on our trip to the point where we are amazed the truck made it home, but the greatest blessing and experience was that of our little family. I enjoyed every minute and will always treasure the echos of my child off the walls of Zion, followed by her delightful laugh that it actually worked.

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lords great love
we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.
Lamentations 3:21-27

Here are some more pictures from our vacation:Taken at McPhee Reservior

Slot Canyons - Page Arizona

The Grand Canyon