More about it...

O Lord My God...

2012-01-21T09:16:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning my kitchen this morning and reflecting on days when I was about 8 or 9. I would be cleaning in the kitchen with my mom. I can almost transport to our kitchen in Belgrade where the smell was fattening, the food was amazing and the milk was sometimes scary...but the sound was always singing...

I loved hearing my mom sing in the kitchen and the old hymns we have long since left behind echo in that memory. As I'm cleaning my own kitchen the words amplify and they spill out of a voice so unworthy:
O Lord my God,
When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the works thy hands hath made....

Then I just decided on a whim to see what I could find online to listen to as I finish the kitchen. I'm sure you've seen the video below, but if you haven't... get a kleenex...this is amazing and it filled me so much today!

Be blessed today,

Sara

Running

2012-01-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I've posted anything. It has been even longer since I felt the need to write something and get it over here on the blog. So I guess that begs the question...where have I been? I'll answer that the in the form of a story.

Two and a half years ago I stood on unfamiliar ground. Not only was it unfamiliar, it was a place I never thought I'd be. I had given up, crossed my arms, turned my back and snubbed my nose at the all too familiar Hand reaching out to guide me. I was angry, overwhelmed and discontent. Not to mention sick and tired of towing the line and pretending like it was all going to turn out okay. So instead of submitting to Gods will and being obedient...I said 'na a' and I ran. The further I ran, the darker it got, the darker it got, the more jumbled my thoughts became. The more jumbled my thoughts became, the less I could write and before I knew it I was empty. A vessel waiting to be filled up with beautiful words that would grace the page of my blog. Nothing. After running for so long...I tripped. I fell hard and landed in a pool of emotional shame and helplessness. The Hand was there and this time, I grabbed fast and held tight.

Days came and went, months passed and then a year rolled around...then another. We worked hard, He and I and him (the man of my half). We battled and won and battled some more. I was asked if I was going to write. I tried, and sometimes it worked, but mostly it didn't. I was fully aware God wasn't finished with the lesson. The war had subsided and then still...He and I had things to work out. Hard things. Just the two of us. But I was busy most of the time. Who has time for working on self? It had to happen though....and then it did. I started reading a book a friend gave to me. I stopped moving, and I started listening...we started talking...the two of us and He said: 'You are always running ahead of me. When you run ahead of me you step out of my light and my leading and then you wonder why you're so exhausted and life is so hard. Stop leading and let Me. I will set the pace.' Then the conversation settled into my moving ahead of Him and taking on things I hadn't asked to take on. I've had to confess a lot of sin in that area. I have filled my time up with plans and products and even Bible studies and it's messy. And I didn't ask permission...I ran ahead. I argued when my husband would point it out and in my 'sales' nature, I would justify it and make it sound so 'right'. He would concede and I would run again. I had to confess to my husband too, that nature of moving forward without asking, or discussing. I know some of you women are cringing, but without wanting to sound too old fashion, there is something right about making decisions together and leaning on your husbands wisdom. All to often we jump ahead of the game assuming whatever we have on our schedule is for the betterment of our family. We take on things because we're the 'responsible' one. We don't discuss, we don't ask, we just do. We run and run and run.

I have confessed the moving ahead. I have looked at the path ahead of me and have acquiesced ...'Yes, please clear the way'. I want to be obedient. I want to steady my pace and follow Him. Then...this thing happened. The empty vessel. Dry, cracked, dusty...long since forgotten...was teeming with words. Words of humility and brokenness and grace. My mind was flooded with sentences and poetry and my hand longed for the gratifying feel of a good pen. My senses yearned to breath in the pages of a new journal and touch the crispness of the paper. And then He said it: 'write.'

And so I write. While there is so much swirling around in my head and I want to keep going and going, I also want to wait on His word, steady my pace, and follow. I will write as He leads. No promises for daily musings or ostentatious posts. But I will be here in months to come. Because He says 'write'.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead
nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:9-11

Love you all,

Sara

in mourning...

2011-09-21T09:48:00.000-06:00

I'm not going to lie...I'm depressed...I'm in mourning...I'm trying to figure out how in the world this happened...but it did. I blinked, and it was over. Now in two days (COUNT THEM...1, 2) Summer is over. How is this possible? I'm certain I missed something. I was sure we had more warm weather left in us...but if this morning is any indication...not so much. The pools are closed, the flipflops tucked under the shoe shelf...the sweaters have come down and the shorts have moved up...(sob...) So in my protest...I went yesterday...and I tanned...you say 'oh no you didn't' and I say 'oh yes I most certainly did'. So THERE. I figure I might as well look tan in my sweaters until I can accept the loss...by then it will be next Summer so I think it's a good plan.

Glad I got that off my chest. So here is our world right now. The man is hunting for 9 days...not sure how that happened, but it did and I'm working on acceptance of him being gone that long and leaving me with these other two house mates...they have proven to be relentless this week. I never realized how much the bug talks till I was the only adult at home for her to talk to. I'm constantly plagued with this question from her: 'so mom...can I talk to you' and I of course say: 'ummm....no' and then she talks my ear off for the next hour. THEEENNN we take a 5 minute break and this goes on and on. This is why the gym comes in so handy. I can drop them off at kids club and work out for 1 1/2 hours without anyone interrupting me to talk to me. This is nice.

The boy is just as wild as ever...and even more so. As you can see I did not manage to give him away...this turned out to be a good thing since I've decided he is great entertainment to have around...he makes us laugh.

On a personal note my back and hips are still a wreck...but oh well. I have managed to go one whole year without any steroids. This has proved to be wonderful for the fitting of the jeans...that and the working out and newly found wheat allergy...I have embarked on a new frontier...36 and pre wedding weight... A-MAZING. Really who cares but me?

So that about sums up our life. The world is still in motion...obviously spinning out of control and hiding in some obscure shadow away from the Sun...

If you need me and can't find me ... it's probably because I'm on a beach somewhere where it's Summer.

Love you all..

Sara

interrupted

2011-07-14T00:27:00.000-06:00

I'm behind on posting to you about Ruth. I'm so sorry, but I promise to get the last few weeks posted soon. The last 2 weeks have been filled with illness in our house and unexpected disruptions. I...have been interrupted...a LOT.

I have been interrupted by vomit, phone calls, the constant call of 'MOMMY', work, dishes, phone calls, potty training accidents, doggy (who should be trained) accidents, vacuuming, dusting, best friend having unexpected surgery, more phone calls, more MOMMY calls and fear, fear, fear....f e a r .

Fear has interrupted my life...and I'm not all too happy about it.

I have a natural fear of losing one of my kids...I think it's totally normal for a mommy to have some level of fear over her children. I might say mine is heightened a little after losing Isaac, but it's fear all the same. A week ago tomorrow I was looking smack dab in the eyes of men on the Jefferson County SWAT team called in to look for a gunman at the pool the kids and I were hanging out at. A man...with a gun...was close....close enough that I was standing in disbelief while the crowd around me accounted for the children that belonged to them....while a guy with a fully loaded automatic weapon took notes... fear....

I'll spare you the details. The event still seems so random and surreal....but real enough that it has conjured up ridiculous emotions in me. I have come to the realization that even though there are over 300 versus in the Bible pertaining to fear...that just doesn't make me feel better. Here's the reality (which inevitably brings up a question some of you will ask), bad things happen. And the question (drum roll please) 'Why does God let bad things happen to good people'. My answer? God doesn't label each one of our lives with stickers and timelines of what bad things will happen to us on a particular given day. Actually...I believe it grieves Him deeply to watch us suffer. I don't believe He's sitting in the sky with a magic wand pointing at us saying hocus pocus spells to make something bad happen... we live in a fallen world where we have been given free will and where free will allows people to make bad choices. We live in a world where people who make bad choices cause people like me to have bouts of insane fear that I have to work through. We live in a world where the actions of one person can cause thousands upon thousands of people to tremble... Where the actions of one man can cause a child who doesn't deserve to live in fear draw deeper and drink from the well of anxiety and distress.

I think my next post might be titled 'anger' since now I'm just ticked several of my days have been severely interrupted by one man holding a gun...

That's my rant for now. In all reality I feel much better and it's not just because I used the word 'vomit' in this post...however that does make me giggle a little...

I will return with a post on Ruth soon...I promise...and I still owe you women a good whoopin' in a post on marriage.

Love you all,

Sara

Ruth - Part 2

2011-06-10T10:05:00.001-06:00

Hey you fabulous women!

Are you ready for round 2? Don't get overwhelmed by the discussion questions. As I mentioned last night we did not have time for all of them. So pick a few and comment on them. We would love to hear from you.

We are going to take some time to focus on Naomi today and we’re going to dive headlong into a subject we all LOVE ‘willful sin’. Our story starts out with the worldly example of what to do when famine strikes…Run to the other side of the fence. The opening act is Naomi and her husband traveling away from Judah to find food in Moab.

Now I get men and their need to provide. I’m guessing Elimelech was desperate to feed his family and like all the other Israelites in the time of Judges, he took the situation into his own hands. Instead of waiting and having faith that God would reward them for covenant faithfulness towards Him, they adjusted their surroundings to fit their needs. Don’t forget that God used famine throughout this word to get the attention of His people.

We love to take matters into our own hands don’t we? How have you done that in your life? When God just doesn’t come through for you? I’ve been there. BIG TIME. A few years ago I had just had it. I had prayed for years over a particular situation…when I mean years I mean SEVERAL and I mean on my face weeping…and God did not come through for me on what I thought would be appropriate timing. So when He finally began to show me He was going to answer my prayer…He had the audacity to answer it HIS way….I mean…I had waited for years and not only did He not respect my time frame…He didn’t even do it the way I asked him. I was fit to be tied. So I…not liking the direction we were going…decided to dig my own path out of the situation and before I knew it I had dug a hole. I was in a self inflicted famine…I was diving into willful sin. So I see Elimelech and Naomi living in Judah and surrounded by people who do what they want. So why not jump on over to Moab where they know there is plenty already...NEVERMIND that this is a group of people that God has specifically told them not to intermarry with…they had 2 boys…what did they think was going to happen? I think the funny thing about this story and in all our stories is…wherever you go, there you are…and no matter how far away you run…God still knows just where to find you. I think that fact about Him is great when we need Him. But when we’re lost on purpose, it gets a little under your skin. You just want to yell…”hey…can I get some privacy for one minute? “

So Naomi has left a famine in Judah only to find herself in the famine of her life. I want to ask you, are you in a self inflicted famine in your life? And if you answered yes, how are you dealing with it?

I have a theory about Naomi…I’m guessing it’s not going to be a popular one. I think Naomi was a little on the selfish side. I think she wanted Ruth and Orpah to leave. I mean desperately she wanted them to leave. I have an inkling it wasn’t as much about their well being as we’d like to think. I can just see her leading the way back to Judah with both women in tow thinking…’Well now it’s REALLY a mess! First we leave to find food, then everyone around me dies, and now I’m saddled with these two girls that are Moabite and if I take them home who KNOWS what kind of scrutiny I’ll go under’. Naomi has a dilemma.

1. Point #1 The only place to find your way out of a mess is succumbing to obedience to God.

This is not the popular route to go. I can’t imagine there are too many people who find themselves in the midst of a mountain of lies who are just so excited to lay it out on the line and let the world know they have been a fraud to the people around them. Or, sometimes we’re waiting on God to change our circumstances and when He doesn’t we do what we can to change it ourselves. Sometimes in the famine of our life we are so desperate for God to create a ‘better’ out for us than what He’s already given us. Or when He say’s WAIT…it’s just too hard. So that is what I think Naomi was trying to do.

Ruth 1:7 With her two daughters-in-law she left the place where she had been living and set out on the road that would take them back to the land of Judah. Then Naomi said to her two daughters-in-law, “Go back, each of you, to your mother’s home. May the Lord show kindness to you as you have shown to your dead and to me” and Ruth and Orpah weep and I bet at that moment Ruth is breathing a sigh of relief. Orpah goes and Naomi realizes Ruth hasn’t left yet. I have this funny vision of when kids like to wrap themselves around your leg…you know…they hold on with a death grip and you just want to shake them off but you can’t. So Naomi is trying to shake Ruth off, and again she says: Go back, your sister is going, go with her. And Ruth, Ruth says: Nope

2. Point #2: When a situation won’t leave you, maybe God actually wants you to deal with it.

So Naomi moves forward, I think not sure how she’s going to deal with it. They come to Judah and the whole town is rejoicing and I think AGAIN Naomi is looking for a way out of her mess and she says: Don’t call me Naomi, call me Mara, which means bitter. Don’t rejoice for me, feel sorry for me.

We have a way of trying to dig ourselves out of our own messes. What I’ve learned in my own circumstances is I can either let God have His way with me now…or He is going to have His way with me later. It’s kinda like mom saying, knock it off or when your father gets home…. You can knock it off now or He’ll knock it out of you later. Hebrews 10:31 summarizes it nicely for us: It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God”

What we miss a lot of the time during self inflicted hardship is God has a plan even in that.

3. Point #3 is He wants to take our mess and turn it into a Message.

There are a lot of people living without hope to get out of the situation they are in. Don’t miss hear me, I’m not talking about the unexpected storms of life that move you forward. I’m specifically talking about the storm that keeps coming and it’s the obvious one that God wants you to deal with. It’s the one that every time you think about your hands sweat and you just shove it back down because you don’t want to have to go back a failure and admit to someone that you messed up. I was listening on the radio yesterday…there is a show I like to listen to every once in a while, but more often than not I’m switching it to another station because it gets a little inappropriate. The gal had her voice disguised and she was talking about how she had had an affair and she now had children with her husband and she loved him and she would never tell him the truth. And the DJ’s were like, yea yea…it does nothing for him to know….and I wanted to reach through the radio and strangle both of them, but it was what she said that struck me: I wake up every morning thinking about it and I go to bed thinking about it…not because I want him, but because it plagues me and I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I WAS SCREAMING AT THE RADIO….there is HOPE! There is hope…God doesn’t want you to live in your famine anymore than you do, but He can only work with what you give Him. If you’re not willing to give yourself totally to Him, this famine will last and last and last. He wants to take that…mess….and turn it into a message.

What is your famine? What are you trying to overcome on your own that God will freely lift you up and away from? Read 1 Peter 5:6-10

There IS hope. I’m not just throwing out scripture and talking about being in willful sin and you’re sitting back thinking ‘she’s the teacher…how would she know’ um…because I HAVE REALLY REALLY screwed up in the past. The beautiful thing about God is He doesn’t take those things and hold them over my head to shame me…He has turned it into His ministry so that all of you would see that God really can do something with your mess….and more than that…He WANTS to do something with your mess. He doesn’t want you living with the pain of the past anymore than you do. Grab a Godly friend…someone who you know won’t let you get away with anything…and confess…then get some Godly counsel from your pastor or counselor on where to go from there. Don’t let the enemy lie to you and tell you there is no hope…

I hope you are getting a lot out of this study. If you need encouragement and prayer, I would love the opportunity to pray for you and with you. Just grab me anytime or shoot me a message and let me know how and what I can pray for you.

As always, you are near and dear to me

Love Sara

Here are your discussion questions...

1. What was the most impacting moment for you this week?

2. Discuss a time in your life when you were tempted to leave the place God had you in for something easier or more attractive?

3. Turn to the middle of Week One, to the bottom of p.21 and the top of p.22. I loved Kelly’s discussion about her friend “weeping forward.” What do you think that means? Several of you share a season in your life when you feel like you wept forward and several others might consider sharing a season in your life when you wept backward. Most of us have done both at some point in our lives.

4. How has the word Hesed enriched your understanding of love?

5. What’s an area in your life where you’ve had to choose a long obedience in the same direction?

6. What did you learn about the power of words?

7. How does Ruth’s loyalty to Naomi encourage you to show this same type of committed loyalty to a friend or loved one who might not always be the easiest to love?

8. Are there times you have felt like God’s blessing was for everyone but you?

9. Look back at the middle of page 12 where Kelly had us look up Deuteronomy 23 and Judges 3 to get some background on the Moabites. Read Deuteronomy 23:3-5 together. In your small group, I want you to talk about a few things that have happened in your lives that Satan would love to use to curse you. You can think of it conceptually more than literally if that helps. At the end of class today, I want you to claim that fifth verse together in prayer and believe God to turn those curses into blessings!

Ruth - Part 1

2011-06-06T23:41:00.000-06:00

Hey Ladies!

My mind is just blown away! I just got done updating our class roster and we have 59 women signed up for our Summer Bible Study! Can you believe it? For those of you who wanted to make it this last Thursday, but couldn't get there, I'm going to be posting our devotional discussions and questions here for you to review. This will be a great way for you to stay in touch with our study.

This Summer we have chosen to do Kelly Minter's 'Ruth - Love, loss & legacy'. I had the opportunity to do this study last Summer along with Beth Moore's online group and I can't tell you how awesome it is. You really just have to experience it for yourself. As I told our gals in class, the homework is not overbearing, so don't give up! Stick with it. Your heart and soul will be richly blessed for staying at it.

There are two things I always like to do when I start a new study. One is I like to regain perspective on why I study the Bible. The other thing I like to do is set the landscape for what was going on historically during the time I’m studying. Context is very important when we’re studying God’s word. So let's kick this study off with a little history lesson and a reset on our frame of reference for who God is …THEN we’re going to talk about why you and I are doing this study.

Some of you may be new to the whole church thing. Some of you may have been in the church your entire life…either way…we have a tendency to lose perspective on how big God is and sometimes, we lose perspective of how close He is. I think in the time of the Judges, the Israelites had a direct connection with him, yet they didn’t feel Him close. Ruth, whose story takes place during the time of the judges, didn’t even know Him, yet pursued Him…I have an inkling…she felt His closeness. It's hard to find relation between a very big God, but a very close God. In Genesis, at the very beginning we read: In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters. I read these words and each time I’m overwhelmed at just how big and indescribable God is. I walk outside and I look at the vast sky and I think…’Man, God is HUGE…and He created all of this” it’s easy to get lost in the vastness of God. Then if you jump over to Isaiah 42 God says “Here is my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen one in whom I delight; I will put my Spirit on him, and he will bring justice to the nations.” This is a foretelling of the coming of Christ..bear with me...I promise I have a point. In Acts 1, Jesus has been crucified and he is getting ready to be taken up to heaven and he says to his disciples: "For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.” I want to tell you I do a lot of word study, and in my research what I have found is… The Holy Spirit…is the Holy Spirit. There is no substitute or different Spirit…it just is what it is. So when you boil this down, this big great God…that formed the Heavens…His spirit hovered over the waters…then he sends His son, full of His Spirit to redeem us, is there when the Son of God hangs on the cross, THEN when you would think that having received salvation and redemption is good enough…He infuses all who ask with His Spirit. So I’m not sure if you get that…but let me put it this way…The Holy Spirit…the one that hovered over the waters at the beginning of time…the same Spirit that was with Christ....lives in you…. Take a moment and let that sink it. I don’t know any other way to express the greatness of God and yet the personalization of Him all in one fail swoop. Why am I writing about this? Because sometimes we do Bible study to do Bible study...don't get me wrong...there is absolutely nothing criminal about that...but we do need to respect the greatness of God. I ALSO want you to be totally pumped that you are walking around this world with the Spirit of God living in you! I just think that is SO cool! So while you're studying, ask the Spirit to guide you in your reading. Ask Him to deepen your understanding. I can't wait to hear or read what is being revealed to you.

Now we’re going to jump off that and have a history lesson…I promise it will be quick. So sometime between the beginning of time and right here today at Waterstone church…before His people we’re infused with the Spirit…there was the time of the Judges.

The time of the judges, as you will find from reading that book, was a time when the tribes of Israel were disjointed and subject to all sorts of trauma as a result of their unfaithfulness. Frankly…Judges is a really hard read. Israel was constantly turning their back on God, prostituting themselves to idols and asking God to bail them out. He’d raise up a judge, the judge would direct them, the judge would die and then the cycle would start all over. The book of Ruth is like a lighthouse in the midst of a raging storm. Ruth is not only a story about a woman who's lost everything and find her way to her new life, it is a story of love and compassion. It is a beautiful example of God's compassion and adoration for us.

In examining this study and in reading Ruth over and over in preparation for this time together a few things have come to mind. I’m not sure why you’re taking this study.

Knowing that we’re all tied together…it doesn’t surprise me that we’re drawn together to come study about Him. But there is always a purpose for those who are on His path. So while we get ready to study Ruth I want you to think about a few things. Ruth is a story of moving forward. In the process of preparing it dawned on me that our story starts out with Naomi, she has no place to go so she’s going back…home...bitter. Ruth, lost and insecure…has no place to go…so she’s going forward, hopeful

The stages I’ve come up with are boiled down to 3

1. Sometimes you have examine the past in order to move forward

a. Are you in a place where you have to face the past and heal from it?

2. Sometimes you have to finish the present in order to move forward

a. Sometimes, God continues to plant your right back at ground zero, when you keep trying to move forward…he just wants you to finish before you can move forward. It’s like walking in knee deep snow or trying to run in your dream…you keep trying to move forward and you’re exhausted by God saying nope…go back.

b. In their book God will Make a Way, psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend describe a concept called “finishing”. According to Drs. Cloud and Townsend, we all have relationships, experiences and lessons in life that are sometimes painful, difficult and for whatever reason, hard to process. As a result, we walk around with certain feelings, patterns and conflict that do not relate to the present but to people and events from previous time. Because those things are not “finished”, they are in the way of present situations, present relationships, or present goals. What do you need to finish?

3. Sometimes you have to move forward, because the storm moves you forward…and you have no choice

a. From the book ‘Embrace Your Second Calling’ by Dale Hanson Bourke – The book of Ruth tells us that Naomi “went forth out of the place where she was” (Ruth 1:7). There is something definite about that phrase. Naomi was leaving Moab behind. The biblical record says nothing about her packing up her household or giving away her belongings or agonizing over the memories built in this place. She just got up and left it all behind. I almost see an urgency in her move. Like she was propelled in that direction, unwillingly, but nonetheless...going home.

b. I think about the people in that have lost everything from the devastation of a tornado, or hurricane, or the person that wakes up on a seemingly normal day and finds out she’s got cancer. Or as in our story, we walked into a seemingly normal dr appointment to find out what the gender of our baby would be, to find out it was a boy…and he wasn’t going to live. Or it could be a simple as figuring out your child is growing up whether you like it our not. My daughter hurt herself the other day. I, being mommy, said "do you want me to kiss it" she looked at me as if I'd lost my ever lovin' mind. She is moving forward...and whether I like it or not...I'm going wit

In all of these examples…somewhere we HAVE to move forward. I just wonder where you are at in your forward process. There’s a reason we’re all here for this study…some of us it’s to connect with new relationships, some of us feel drawn to do something more…in any case…keep in mind that eventually He wants to move us on confident that what he is calling us to will be so much more than anything He is calling us from.

So write me and tell me, what is your goal for this study? Where do you see yourself in the 'moving forward process' and tell me a little bit about yourself.

I'm praying for you and I can't wait to see where God takes all of us on this journey together of Love, Loss and Legacy.

Love you,

Sara

Calling all moms!

2011-05-31T15:51:00.001-06:00

I joke a LOT about selling Biscuits or giving him away...but I never would. I'm sure you're wondering if I'm really selling biscuits...are they flaky? homemade? buttermilk? pillsbury...and is there boysenberry jam with them...OR you're wondering if it's a nickname for my adorably stubborn 2 year old. The answer is: I can always make you some biscuits if you'd like, yes homemade and of COURSE buttermilk, but right now I'm talking about my son and no I don't have boysenberry jam but I DO have grape jelly...

So here's the deal. He's 2. TWO, DOS, d - e - u - c - e ... do you read me? He will soon be 3...I just shuddered a little. I know two is a walk in the park compared to three...what we don't know is how bad it's going to be with him...and if TWO is any indication...one of us may not make it through the next year. So I need advice. I'm wondering if any of you have a kid like this and how you've managed to deal with it. Obviously what I'm doing isn't working. Let me painfully describe my morning to you and it might give you some insight on his royal twoness: 7am, open his door so he wakes up on his own...rudely rousing him in his habitat and scaring him awake causes an overabundance of statements like: 'I DON'T WANT YOU MOM' and 'I WANT TO STAY IN MY BED' and 'I DON'T WANT YOU MOM'...oh...I already said that...in any case I have to be careful and let him wake up on his own. We move downstairs from his room, when he's ready of course, and roll out the inevitable question which will ruin the rest of his day: What do you want for breakfast?
Then this is the conversation that happened recently:

B: Can I have cookies?
M: No, we need to find something other than cookies for breakfast
B: Okay, well can I have cheese?
(thinking we had made some headway with his meltdowns, I was pleased at my accomplishment and said)
M: Well sure, you can have some cheese
B: OKAY! (takes cheese - insert personality change here as he walks into the living room)
B: I don't want you cheese!!! (slams cheese on the coffee table as if lactose intolerance in this country has to be conquered)
M: Okay...then you don't get the cheese (throw cheese in trash)
B: BUT I WANT THE CHEESE
M: I'm sorry Biscuits, you should have thought about that first
B: (screaming LOUDLY) I WANT CHEEEEEEEESE!
M: Please sit in timeout

Now...as you can imagine...that didn't work. We just went downhill from there. So here is what I need help with...

How do you change the root of a child's behavior? When he says he wants something, no he doesn't, yes he does... I've already tried one chance and you're done...it's not working..so what now? Do I take all his choices away and not give him a choice and then when he doesn't take what I give him, do I not give him anything? Do I let him make the choice and then when he decides 10 seconds later that he's changed his mind, take whatever it is he's chosen away?

Maybe the root of the problem is his nickname is Biscuits...I'm not sure...

What I am sure of is, he's stubborn, he can yell really loud, and he's also the sweetest boy I've ever known...

Let me know if you any advice...or make me an offer for the kid...I'll entertain either...

Love you all

Sara

Love in Ambivalent Times Part 1

2011-05-29T01:39:00.000-06:00

I'm watching some tough stuff go down these days. Marriages around us are crumbling... The enemy is knocking at the door of families and someone is letting him in...

I'm a firm believer in the contrasts between a man and a woman. I've often said the man is the head of the house, and the woman the heart. In order though...for the head to work...the heart has to pump...so don't stop the heart. From ancient Greece to ancient Rome, women were viewed as possessions. Christ was probably seen as so ridiculously radical in that He had a female following. As time moved forward, the voice of women grew louder...and rightfully so. Women had a right to take their place as human beings in the world with equal privileges to men. The ability to be educated, the right to vote, equal pay...all those things were important. HOWEVER...somewhere we've crossed the line. We've taken our plight possibly too far. I turn the TV on today and there is a commercial on about every 5 minutes dumbing down the man. Sitcoms parade stupid fathers across our screen and we glorify the single mother, but we rarely praise the single father when it's the mother who walked away from her children. We've challenged the simple gift a man can bring to the table...by just being a man. The result? Men are tired and walking away.

We've created a mess...but at the very beginning...at the root of our relationships...exists this little lie we've termed 'love'. Eye's lock for a moment, a brief exchange of words takes place, chemistry ignites and VIOLA it's love. Seven years down the road you wake up one morning and you make no eye contact with the other, a brief exchange of words takes place, anger ignites...and you leave for work...only to pick up your evening where you left off that morning....and viola...divorce looms in the air. As little girls we read stories of our night in shining armor coming to rescue us on a white horse. No where in that story do we find the princess fighting for equal pay and rights...she just wants to be rescued and then go have babies. We've learned that love is something that invokes an emotion and a feeling. It's the butterflies you feel when your lips first touch... When you're a little girl no one tells you that feeling goes away. No one tells you the real story is, you wake up in the morning, look at your spouse and CHOOSE to love them, because that is what is RIGHT. No one tells you someday, God is going to come knocking to give in to the answer of your prayer: Lord just make him a better man...Lord just do what only you can do... And when He comes to take His place in your home, you don't get to throw the right of women in His face...but you have to sit at His feet...listen...and oh...here's the word you hate...be OBEDIENT. Yep, all of a sudden...love is all about making a choice to stay, and it has nothing, nothing, nothing to do with the butterflies you lost so long ago. Wake up, keep praying, and move out of the way...God is going to do some work...on BOTH of you.

I could go on all night, but I need to get to what is really nagging at me. I have friends (as I've mentioned before) who's husbands are throwing their hands up and walking away. I've heard things like: 'He said he just doesn't feel any love for me.' & 'He isn't willing to give it all up to have us' & 'I know he loves his kids...but I know he doesn't love me'. IT IS MAKING ME CRAZY!

Men, PLEASE listen up...I can't imagine how hard it is to stand in the face of an angry woman and say "I'm not leaving and I want to make this work". It must be horribly difficult to choose to walk into a room where your wife is standing KNOWING she doesn't really want to have anything to do with you...but seriously...God created you with the skills to buck up and put your boxing gloves on when it comes to a battle! Men! We need you to fight for us. We need you to show our children what it looks like to have a redeemed marriage where two people are in love because they chose to stay and work it out. I'm not just saying this because it seems right...and it is...but because I've been on the wife side of this and my husband...(poor guy) has been on the receiving end of a lot of my anger. He didn't give up. He pursued me, learned to listen to me, took time to get to know me again, and realized that sometimes you have to be willing to lose everything you thought that mattered...to hold on to a family that matters most. LOVE IS A CHOICE! Love is about being obedient to Christs call on your life as a man. He didn't create you to only be a monetary provider. He created you to be a provider...period. I am begging you...don't let satan win the battle over our families. If you're here, if your standing on the edge of walking away or staying, or if you're trying and you just don't know how to reach her...here are some things that worked for us:

1. Fasting - power packed prayer to redeem your marriage. There are plenty of articles online about fasting and how to prepare for it. I'd dive in today!
2. Listen - I know you want to fix everything, but listen and then say something like this: 'I can't imagine how frustrating that must be. Maybe we can figure something out together to make this easier. Would that help you?' If she says no, then that means she just needs to vent...if she stares at you with a blank face...it probably means she 'see's' that you 'hear' her.
3. Take her out on a date and ask her questions like it's your first date. You'll be surprised how much she's changed...
4. Flowers
5. Tell her all the time she's the only girl for you...she needs to know this...

That sums it up for now. Don't give up. If you have...make the choice to stay. DECIDE to love. Be apart of the statistics of the ones who made it! Go to war! Fight for it! Give it all you've got!

Ladies...I have a word for you...but it's going to come in part 2 of this lovely post. In the meantime..you can post your hate mail right here. I look forward to your comments.

As always,

Love you much,

Sara

non essential essentials...part II

2011-05-25T14:06:00.000-06:00

It's been a long time since of posted about my non essential essentials...so I thought...oh why not...I'm at work with a ton of stuff to do...so let's procrastinate a little more.

My list has changed since we first posted THIS post. Let's just get the obvious out of the way and I'll tell you right now that although I still believe in the 'who needs water when there's diet dp' I'm at this stage in life where I'm drinking more water. What stage is that you ask? Its a stage where all of a sudden you realize the reason you feel like shriveling up and dying is because you haven't had water in oh...about 2 weeks. AND it's the stage that requires you to accept you're getting older and this is where my things make my non essential essential list. So here we go:

1. As you get old'ER' you'll realize those lashes are looking thin. It's just a bummer. But recently I've found a product that seems to be working. Take a look at Cargo LashActivator. I think it's worth the money...blink blink.
2. I don't need an iPhone...but I have an iPhone...and I like my iPhone. Now it's making me think I need an iPad...OH STOP IT...you know you want one too...
3. I like coffee...and tea...and if I could hook an iv up to my arm and have Diet Dr. Pepper with me all the time I would...that being said...take a look at this...and I'm just saying...it works. (SMILE)
4. I still have a solid back up of cleaning gloves...which I like to refer to as 'All occasion gloves'...Do I need to wear them to put clean dishes away? Well...no...but might as well wear them while I'm in the kitchen...I mean...I MIGHT need to touch something dirty

I think that little tid bit is enough for today...I don't want to completely scare you off. I still have plenty of little ocd things we could talk about all day...but why ruin this nice day. That will be a post that reads something like this: Did you know the dirtiest place you put your hands is....

Yep...I'll end it on that note. Miss me...

Sara

I am NOT ok...

2011-04-20T21:22:00.002-06:00

The last few days have been filled with busyness...today I forced myself out of the house because I knew that I was not going to be ok...then it dawned on me that I'm really just not ok anyway. Time is filled with talking to clients, shuttling kids around, answering the phone, making breakfast, lunch...dinner...going through the motions...choking back tears...and just about every hour I've asked God: Do all dogs really go to heaven?

Before you even let the words escape your mouth that 'it's just a dog'....let me tell you I ALREADY KNOW THAT! HOWEVER....that 'just a dog' was my dog for nearly 13 years. So for the skeptics...keep reading...you may learn something from my soul search for dogs...and don't be mean....

I started reading different articles about the probability of animals in Heaven...some people out there are truly disturbing...the entire time I was reading though...I could tell God was leading me away from those articles and directly into His word to sooth my heart. He brought so many scriptures to me it has overwhelmed my heart with peace:

Hosea 2:18
In that day I will make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
I will abolish from the land,
so that all may lie down in safety.
Psalm 84:3
Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

In Revelation 5:8-13 all creatures recognize Jesus as the Savior of the world and praise God right along with redeemed men. In Romans 8:19(KJV) we read that the lesser creatures await Christ's return to redeem the sons of God so they, too, will be released from physical death to eternal life. AND then there is this:

Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, saying:

To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb

be praise and honor and glory and power, For ever and ever." Revelations 5:13 (now tell me there's no animals in Heaven....)

Paul wrote in the book of Romans: "Because the creature itself also shall be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now" (Romans 8:21-22 KJV) See...Tucker has a new body and has been released from this earthly bondage...

So I'm not okay. I'm not sure anyone would be. 12 1/2 years is a LONG time. We grew up together. When he was 3 he didn't like when I'd leave town. I'd usually get a new pair of shoes on my work travels and he'd make sure to find that pair and eat one shoe. He was good at making me pay for leaving him behind. He lived after eating a whole tube of bengay. Add that to the list of all the other things that boy ingested and it's a miracle we didn't lose him earlier. Tucker would blow bubbles in the water...that was funny. He was with us on the plane with the man proposed to me....we said yes. He knew every time I was pregnant....he'd hardly leave my side. When we lost Isaac...he slept right by my beside for days.... He never failed to meet us at the door. He never failed to forget a meal...and he never failed to drool everywhere when someone in the house made popcorn. He...was a GOOD boy. I knew I would really suck at this...and I have lived up to my expectation. I miss him. I HATE that he died in my arms...and oh...how I miss him.

But God has given me hope and filled me with peace...that not a sparrow falls from the sky that He doesn't know about...so surely...my son Isaac just got a dog named Tucker...

And the wolf will dwell with the lamb,
And the leopard will lie down with the young goat,
And the calf and the young lion and the fatling together;
And a little boy will lead them.
Also the cow and the bear will graze,
Their young will lie down together,
And the lion will eat straw like the ox.
The nursing child will play by the hole of the cobra,
And the weaned child will put his hand on the viper's den.
(Isaiah 11:6-8)

Love you all,

Sara

Mornings...

2011-02-16T06:46:00.006-07:00

I'm not a morning person. As a matter of fact if I could sleep in until 8 or 9 every morning that would be alright with me. Unfortunately, I don't have the bandwidth to sleep in. I actually have to do mom stuff like wake children up, get them dressed, feed them (which I'll admit is something I forget since I'm not a breakfast person either), take them to school or daycare, so on and so forth. I actually dreaded this part of parenthood when I was little...if that tells you anything about how much I dislike mornings. OH! The other horrible thing about me is that ever since I had pneumonia, I don't like to drink coffee...so put me in a setting where I have to get up around 5 and give me coffee which I'm not so crazy about anymore and it makes for a slightly annoyed start to a day...and by the way...whoever came up with the title 'Morning Glory' annoys me...so far there is nothing glorious to me about mornings. Maybe by the end of this post God will work that out of me.

Yes I have a point...(I think). All morning I've been quoting this verse over and over in my head: Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Ps 90:14 Over and over in my head I keep saying it...I realize there are some great scriptures about morning, but I'm beginning to wonder if there is something about mornings that really pleases God. The dawn of a new day. The opportunity to 'start over'. The fragrance of morning, renewal...awakening... The reminder of what it must have been like to be a part of creation. The idea that He has a constant souvenir of that moment and it's the dawns FIRST rays of light. Beautiful. A new day...an opportunity for someone to hear the good news: there really is salvation. Hope that someone would grab hold of the deep desire on His part that none should perish. And then...there is this title: Morning Star. It's a lot to throw into a morning, especially when you're not a morning person.

So what's this rant all about? Well it's supposed to be encouragement to start your day off right. You see when we take time at the end of our day to have our quiet time, usually all we're doing is asking for forgiveness...well I am anyway. This thing about mornings, the idea that we get to start over, it's empowering. Add to that the most important part of it...spending time with the One we love. Casting our burdens for the day at His feet. Resting in the renewal of His dawn and allowing the Morning Star to bring light and warmth to our soul. There is something good about mornings. So to start our day off right...(well mine anyway..if you need to come back and read this tomorrow MORNING then I say do it!) here are some scriptures about morning:

Job 7:17-19
¹⁷ “What is mankind that you make so much of them,
   that you give them so much attention,
¹⁸ that you examine them every morning
   and test them every moment?
¹⁹ Will you never look away from me,
   or let me alone even for an instant?

Psalm 30:4-5
⁴ Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
   praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
   but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
   but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Psalm 59:16-17

¹⁶ But I will sing of your strength,
   in the morning I will sing of your love;
for you are my fortress,
   my refuge in times of trouble.
¹⁷ You are my strength, I sing praise to you;
   you, God, are my fortress,
   my God on whom I can rely.

Revelations 22:16
¹⁶ “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you^[a] this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.”

Yep...there must be something about mornings. I'm willing to be inconvenienced to find out, EVEN if that means 5 am is the time to do it. Are you?

Love you all,

Sara

My emotions...

2011-01-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

I've been lost in the land of busy lately. And other than my last blog post, I haven't found much 'write' in me...if you know what I mean. So I thought i would kick off a new round of blogs by telling you somethings that you don't know about me. I experience strong emotions. Some of them are so overwhelming that I can't even write about it without evoking the emotion and soaking my shirt while I write. Other's aren't as strong, but I thought I'd share with you some things that just 'get' me. So here goes:

I can't watch National Geographic without getting upset. I can't watch daytime TV without feeling dumber. I can't watch Craig Ferguson without laughing my fool head off and then promptly falling to sleep after his monologue. I can't hear my son tell me he loves me without turning into mush on the inside. I can't look at my daughter without seeing the difficult years she has ahead of her just having to be a girl and all that entails. I can't look her in her face without being completely overwhelmed with love for her and gratitude that God gave her to me. I can't be in the same room with my husband without thinking how sexy he is. I can't go through a day without thinking about Isaac and how much I wish he was hear being 4 with us. I can't think about my brothers without feeling completely blessed to have such an amazing group of guys in my life. I can't think about my brother's wives without being totally giddy with excitement that they don't suck the life out of me and I LOVE every single one of them. I can't think about my husbands family without being totally thrilled my in-laws aren't crazy! I can't be in the presence of my parents without being overwhelmed with the knowledge that so many people have gone through life without the love and adoration of such and awesome parent team. I can't be around my closest friends without asking God what I did to deserve them. I can't sing the following lyrics without falling apart at the word no:

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

There's a lot more. I'm actually pretty complex. Now I'm going to bed and maybe tomorrow we can talk about something a little more serious. I'm contemplating things that I should share with you. Things like ice cream flavors, taxes and depression....not necessarily in that order.

Love you all,

Sara

A Time To Fast

2011-01-17T14:38:00.001-07:00

There is A Time for Everything

Ecc 3:1

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

and there is also time to FAST. The time to fast has come upon us in an unexpected way. A blogger I read here and there and a sister in Christ is in desperate need of prayer and healing. There is no time like the present to imitate Christ and release the power He has promised us through fasting. Joanne suffered a major stroke on January 11th and is still fighting for her life. The most recent update is that she has been put in a deep coma to keep any brain activity down and to try and reduce the swelling occurring on the right side of her brain. You can read updates about this sweet woman and her progress here: http://thesimplewife.typepad.com/

In his book God's Chosen Fast, Arthur Wallis writes, "Fasting is calculated to bring a note of urgency and [persistence] into our praying, and to give force to our pleas in the court of heaven." The Heims family needs some urgent and persistent prayers on their behalf. I fully believe in prayer and I am all over fasting and prayer. I KNOW it works, I've seen it, done it, felt it and I believe fasting along with prayer just adds 'Red Bull' to your prayers, so to speak.

If you can't fast right now, then please join us in praying for Joanne and giving to their family in any way you can. All the details of what they need are on her blog.

Here are the details:

Fasting will begin tomorrow morning. You do what ever you feel led to do. If you have a health issue that does not allow you to fast from food...fast from TV. Please consider setting an alarm if you are fasting from something other than food to remember to pray for Joanne through the next 24 hours or longer if you feel led to fast longer. For those of you that are fasting from food, please remember when those hunger pains hit to hit your knees and pray for Joanne.

Lord we claim Psalm 46 over Joanne right now.
you are our refuge and strength,

   an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

You o LORD Almighty are with us;
You the God of Jacob are our fortress.

Come and see what the LORD has done,
   the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields^[d] with fire.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”

The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Father as you dwell in your City, dwell within Joanne.

You have created the heavens and the earth and have the ability with one whisper to heal her. Lord we are reaching out to touch the hem of your robe in full belief and faith that You can heal her. Father, we know and believe You are who You say You are and we believe You can do what You say You can do, so we're claiming healing for Joanne and we are believing You for a miracle.

In Jesus name we ask for complete restoration. Amen

I'm believing God

It's lellow

2010-10-26T12:35:00.001-06:00

I had a disagreement with Biscuits this morning. We were having a fine morning until he got frustrated with me, and it was all downhill from there.

Breakfast had been served in it's usual homespun fashion, yes...yes as a matter of fact that does mean dry cereal and a banana. So after I had slaved in the kitchen for those 3 minutes getting his and surrogate daughter's daughter (we need to name her something) their bountiful meal, I moved on to work things. I was busy sorting through email when the boy came around the corner with an apple jack (a green apple jack...just one) and in a very determined voice, all while shaking the green apple jack in my face said: It's LELLOW!

Me: No, it's green
Biscuits: NO Ma-ammy - it's lellow.
Me: Um...no...it's green

(yes I know I'm arguing with a 2 year old, but how else will he learn? Come-on people! Give me some support)

Biscuits: MOMMY! IT'S LELLOW!
Me: Biscuits, listen to me, you can say it's lellow all day, but just because you say it's lellow...isn't gonna make it lellow. Got it?

He stared into my eyes, blinked a few times, and processed. I could tell I had reached him. He knew I was right. I was certain we finally made headway. As he turned to walk away, I heard it, a little whisper, an arrogant, hard headed, resolved whisper: 'It's lellow'.

All I can say is I sat there thinking...someday that resolve will come in handy. When Biscuits meets reality and Hebrews 11:1 is put to the test. I hope he stands firm and proclaims to the earth: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...and people it's lellow!

AMEN.

Redirected

2010-10-24T20:57:00.001-06:00

My goodness has it been that long? JUNE???

I say this with the assumption that there are still people out there stopping by to see if I ever even update this thing anymore. On the off chance...some of you are still wandering over here...I will update you on the happenings of our world.

This has been a rough year (physically speaking) for me. I have been in bed more than I care to admit. My back has been slightly more than bothersome and has brought about some new challenges with my hips. I feel old. I'm not THAT old...but I feel old. While I've been battling different drugs to help with nerve pain, managing pain, weight gain from injections...there is also the balance of the children, the surrogate children living with us, the job, school for the girl child, the husband, the world falling apart in other people's lives, the ministry, the studies...can I just say God is good in all of it? In all the struggle I have found that it really is beneficial to fix our eyes on the author and perfecter of our faith. (Heb 12:2) What a joy to have endurance in the midst of struggle. I've learned this lesson well over the years...especially after carrying Isaac...but I often forget this lesson in the midst of not so threatening struggles...that even in the smallest...God is ever willing to give us more than the necessary measure of 'get up and go'! The words 'God is love' are so packed with meaning these days. He is good...even when...and even if... (remember that? no? okay...read it here).

Yesterday I had the opportunity to speak to some sweet women. I say it's an opportunity, but I have to tell you speaking is so uncomfortable for me. However, when God directs, I have learned to say yes and be obedient ... MOST of the time. What I loved about my experience yesterday was this...He didn't bring it till the 11th hour. Every time I have sat down to try and write this talk out, I've not succeeded. Friday was all about putting out fires. With every fire came peace. It was like God would just say: "you go get that, I've got the talk handled" and I'd object and tell Him that at some point in time it would be nice to have the talk too. So Friday night after the first part of the conference I came home and started writing. And I wrote and wrote and wrote and by 1 am I had a lot of mumbo jumbo on the pages of my word doc and none of it...I mean NONE of it was flowing. So after staring at my laptop the Lord very quietly said: I told you have this handled, go to bed. So I reluctantly went to bed, woke up at 6 am and started writing. One our later it was like I had this complete out of body experience because He wrote it...at 10:45 I spoke it...and at 11:40 (5 minutes early) I was done and I knew He had started something new in some hearts. Now that is what I call cool. I am my worst critic so don't write me and ask me if it went well...because I don't know. But I KNOW God is good and His plans are His plans...as long as He continues to use me in that way...I just have to say YES LORD and hopefully some day I'll learn to trust that He has it under control and get out of the way.

Oh...back to what is going on here. So we have new house residents. Did I tell you that last time? My surrogate child has a child of her own and we all live in what I commonly refer to as chaos. Other people might not think it's chaos...but I do....and since I'm the mama...it is so. Got it? Ok.

Let's see. The bug is in 2nd grade and just turned 7 a few weeks ago (eeek). She is smart. When I say smart I mean...SAAMARRRT. It's not hard for me to admit she get's her smarts from her Uncles (yes my side of the family...notice I didn't say she get's it from me.) Biscuits is getting to be a big boy 2 year old. Often asks to go potty (yay for the potty), but we're not pushing that quite yet. He talks a lot. He really does like to boss me and the man. He even tried to put his daddy in time out for not letting him stay in the pool on Saturday...now that is funny. I have it under some pretty solid authority that I may be on the mend. I'll fill you on how that goes. Just know your prayers are working.

Okay...I'm out of here. Oh...about the project...yes...I am still planning on it. I was temporarily redirected by some not so good advice...and I took it against what I knew God was directing me to (that is a confession) and now He has redirected me back to it. I have to find an inexpensive way to build a website...and I'm not interested in building it myself...so as soon as I figure that out we'll be moving from blogspot to a new home. I'll keep you posted.

I love you all. Thanks for stopping by. I promise not to take so long between posts this time.

That, back there, back then...

2010-06-16T21:37:00.000-06:00

Since this whole new adventure I'm on is taking longer than I thought it would, I thought I'd pop on over here and say hello to you.

You remember a few months ago (a few few months ago and a few times over) I was supposed to speak at a thingy for PHM and it would snow, or something would happen and I never really got to. Well, I'm getting ready to. This particular subject has been on my heart for a LONG time and is one of the many 'things' I like to personally use with God. It goes a little something like this:

Lord, I know you want me to go there and be that...but do you remember what I was way back then before I was this? Usually He says something like: 'Yep' or 'And?' or 'I'm sorry...you where whining again and that pitch just gets drowned out...' And sometimes I get nothing, which to me means: 'We aren't talking about this'.

Then, as I was thinking about this whole subject, my title, the dying species dropping like flies all around us (otherwise known as humans), our inability to get past our past long enough to see God's future for us, it dawned on me...what about the person that is called but still struggles with wanting to be that, back there, back then...? The idea that just doesn't happen is absurd, mind you, called or not called, we're all humans dealing with fallible emotions and actions. We set out on a course to do the right thing, but somewhere a long the way, temptation sets in and we want to be that, back there, back then... 1 Peter says Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Listen, the enemy is on the prowl, but don't miss the first part of the text 'Be self controlled..' You have to own your stuff. It's very easy for us to look at our situations of sin and point our finger at the devil and say 'he made me do it...I was just under SUCH persecution and the devil just swooped right in...' Does that happen? Yes. But sometimes...SOMETIMES we just don't take responsibility for our stuff. Sometimes we want the back then and that emotion takes hold of us and we end up making our own decision in sin...to sin. Does the enemy love it? Of course he does and he'll use every bit of it against you.

I saw a young girl who was about 20 today, pregnant, standing on a street corner holding a sign that said 'Anything helps'. I thought, how are we so much like that? We stand on the corner holding up a sign to God that states: Bail me out. Just hand it to me Lord, I don't want to do the work, I just need you to hand me the easy way out. I won't launch into how one of the problems with America is our work ethic, but seriously, when did that spill over into our Spiritual walk? When did you ever think being a Christian was all about being bailed out by the Almighty. Sometimes, we have to role up our sleeves, look at our disaster, then look up to Heaven and say: Lord, that is my disaster, I own it, but man do I need some of your muscle to help me get through this one and clean up.

So what do we do when we're faced with the growing vines of our past, sneaking up our legs, trying to pull us under? How do we gain that self control? Well, Peter talks about that too. 2 Peter 1:6 says Knowing God leads to self control. Self control leads to patient endurance. Pretty self explanatory. Know Him. Seek Him. Open your Bible and find Him. This is a never ending process. You and I will never get to a point where we know so much of God we're just done. You're not going to wake up one day and realize that God has been neatly wrapped up in a book and there isn't much more to know. I'm never going to look at you and say 'Welp, that bout sums Him up, not much else to figure out'. Seek Him.

Speaking of summing it up, that about does it for me. I'm on to find something else to obsess about. Love you all!

Sara

so here's the dealio...

2010-05-07T10:22:00.000-06:00

I have decided it's time to get serious about what God has been asking me to do for a long time. So THAT being said, in the few months, this blog is going to evolve into something very different. I have a lot of details to work out, but I'm excited to get working on a real website that will enable me to have more room and places to write about different things.

The name of the blog and the idea was given to my when I was pregnant with Isaac...which is kind of how THIS blog came to be. It just wasn't ready until now to mature.

I will keep you posted of the progress here...and when the time is right we will switch over together.

In the MEANTIME...here is a little bit of what our world has been looking like. I have been taking care of an extra child during the last 6 weeks. Her name is Audrey and she is 4 weeks older than Asher. She is a doll, and she has given Asher a run for his money when it comes to running the household. When I agreed to do this several weeks ago, I had no idea what God had in store for us other than to torture me with two screaming children instead of one. What has resulted in this is Audrey's mom (as well as Audrey) has stolen a piece of our heart. We have quickly adopted them into our family and we're excited to see what God has planned for our families as we start on a journey together. During all of this transition, my man has found a new job. A company that had been after him and had offered him a job 2 times came back a THIRD time and asked him what it was going to take to get him to say yes. So they negotiated and he said yes! To celebrate we put the neon up for sale and got him a dependable car that will finally allow him to drive around in something and not feel like a big clown getting out of a tiny red car every day...not that that bothered him of course (wink wink). The bug is almost done with first grade (tears...) I can't believe how fast she's growing up. Of course I'm seeing more and more independence and attitude (tears gone) as she continues to define herself and figure out who she is. I've had to remind a few times that she needs to figure out where she left her respect for her mama and go find it...and she does..she's a good girl.

*********totally random interjection*************

ever listen to the Contemporary Christian on the cable channel? I'm really at a loss for who a lot of these artists are and I think some of this music has been on the shelf since the early 80's. I'm just trying to figure out how it could possibly be defined as contemporary. If you think I'm lying? go find the song "heart of hearts" by Leslie Phillips and listen to it...then let me know I'm not smoking crack.

the end**************************************

Let's see what else....OH...I re-injured my back about 4 weeks ago....as a result I pushed it and pushed it until Saturday I realized I had nothing left in me and I've been in bed flat on my back since. I had my PT appointment yesterday and my PT GUY did what they call Dry Needling. Let me just tell you if you aren't prone to letting the not so nice words escape your lips...this type of proceedure will test you to your limits and beyond. PAINFUL. I'd like to know who comes up with this stuff. Who decides 'I wonder what will happen if I take this needle and stick it in that muscle that is about to kill you and move it up and down till you start to cry?' Cause that is what they do. And for all you PT people out there....this is not nice to do to your clients. I don't care if it works...it's creepy and it hurts and it's not nice. So when you're patient asks you if it's going to hurt and you say...'probably not, but it will be uncomfortable' I would like to remind you there is very harsh penalties for lying. So tell the truth. It's the right thing to do.

Okay...every one is fine, things are changing...I have a lot more to tell you, but for now I have to move out of bed and change Biscuits stinkyness and then it's back to the bed. Love you all so much! Hang in there with me. I think this change will be really cool. I'll talk to you all soon!

You should know...

2010-04-28T23:23:00.000-06:00

I'm doin' somethin'! I'll let you know as soon as I can. Until then. Don't forget me and I won't forget you!

i've missed you...

2010-04-08T21:52:00.000-06:00

The last week has been insane. My eyes have not seen blogs, twitter, news or TV. While I would love to post all my 'happenings' over the last week I'm sleepy and need to rest before tomorrow. It is safe to say I'm even dreading Friday because it's another day full of things to do.

I'm whining...

Quick update on Shaun. I stopped by the hospital tonight and dropped off something for the family to eat. Shaun was up and alert. He was the only one in the room when I got there. He was thrilled to tell me he only had one tube left in his body. His eyes were bright and happy. So amazing to see that. His testimony has already blown me away. So far he has had his spine put back together with 2 rods and his elbow put back together with 3 screws. He has had feeling in his feet and sensations in his legs. Amazing? Yes...however...what is even more amazing his ability to see God in this. Through the accident, through the surgeries, through the pain...he is seeing God and accepting God's path for him. I find it hard not to ask myself if I would be doing the same at 19 and faced with endless days of pain...oh...and the possibility that I might not ever walk again. Would I be praising Him? I hope so...I hope so.

Keep them in your prayers and I will continue to do my best to keep you updated. In the meantime...hang tight and I'll try to write more this weekend.

Have a blessed weekend...headed to figure out why Microsoft doesn't like my Windows 7 License Key...yay...

Sara

Update on Shaun Hicks

2010-04-02T08:21:00.002-06:00

Sorry it has taken me so long to send you an update on Shaun. Most of you already know my mother’s friend Laura’s son was in a very serious accident on Tuesday.

I mistakenly told some of you he was a senior in High School, but he is actually a Freshman at the Jr. college in La Junta. Doesn’t make this any easier of course but I wanted to give you the right facts. Shaun had a very long surgery Tuesday night. They have put his spinal column back together with 2 rods and 8 screws. The dr. does not give much hope that he will walk again. He does say that the spinal cord was not severed but very severely damaged. Shaun's other injuries are a collapsed lung, a broken elbow and shoulder, his spleen was punctured, and some bumps and bruises.

This family definitely has a very long road in front of them and I cannot imagine being 19 and faced with such hardship. Yesterday Shaun’s sister told me he is very much in pain and very uncomfortable. He has a neck brace on that they won’t let him take off till they know his neck has not been injured and this is causing him a ton of discomfort.

I did see the family last night and Laura is one of the most kind hearted people I've met. She just radiates Christ. I love that.

I'll be out of touch for the next few days ans we are headed to my parents for Easter weekend, back on Tuesday (yay!).

Thank you all for checking back so often! I'm leaving you with a song that signifies what our walk should be as Christians. Love you all! Have a SPLENDID weekend.

Sara

Urgent Prayer Request

2010-03-30T13:00:00.002-06:00

One of my mom’s very good friends (Laura Hicks) son was just in a very bad car accident about 2 hours ago in La Junta. They are flying him to St. Anothony’s here in Denver right now. Sean Hicks is 19 and they don’t really know what happened. They believe he overcorrected on a turn and flipped his car. He has no feeling from the waist down but was semi alert.

Please pray for this family.

non essential essentials...

2010-03-29T15:10:00.000-06:00

I really have NOTHING to write about, but since I've committed to writing each day...here we go.

I was thinking today about the things in my life that are non essential essentials for me. Confused? Don't be... You know ever since we decided to downsize, put our house on the market, tear into all the things we've been holding on to for so many years...I've really gotten good at throwing stuff in the garage sale pile. I keep thinking at any moment I'm going to have a nervous breakdown...mainly because I see something that floods me with: 'O! I remember this...' and I ask myself...do I really need to carry this with me to a smaller home? The answer is usually NO and I put it in the pile...but before I can cry over it I walk away abruptly and pick something else up and move on....I'm so totally suppressing every emotion that wants to crawl out of me...THAT is why I might end up in the nutty ward one of these days. Lord help me...and I mean that in all sincerity.

There are some things that are so non essential in my life...but essential all the same. So here is my list...(in case you were wondering)...you're on the edge of your seat aren't you? Okay...here we go (real quick...you will probably think less of me after this...just a warning) now really...on to the list:

I am a shampoo and conditioner snob - I could probably find something reasonably cheap that doesn't make me want to itch my head off...but why when they make products like Pureology?
I like good jeans - Walmarts (yes I know how I spelled it) sells jeans...I've seen them there...it's like the peek out at me from around every corner reminding me they are relatively cheap...but I really like a good pair of jeans...and yes...I am a sucker for The Buckle.
Sheets...now...they SAY that there really isn't anything valid about a thread count above 400...I heard a lady on The Today Show say once that it doesn't exist..."um...excuse me...me thinks you are lost". Now...this is a total non essential essential I do not have...I did...but I don't anymore. Why you ask? Why Sara must you not buy the fancy sheets? Well...because my husband has a tendency to put his toenails through them...thus...no fancy sheets for us till ... well... i guess never.
I have a Dyson - it is essential in that everyone has to vacuum, it is also essential in that I went through a vacuum every year for 5 years before my husband would let me get one...it is not essential though really if you think about it...I could just stop vacuuming so much...maybe altogether. Who needs clean floors anyway?
i like butter
I can justify buying good cheese better than anyone you've ever met
Oil of Olay makes me cringe...but Clinique makes me happy!
I could drink water...but why when there is Diet Dr. Pepper?

I could keep going....but I'll stop there for now and interject this. When and if my man and I go to some other country I realize I'm going to have to give up a lot! The one thing I know for sure...the One Essential in my life makes the non essential so much more non...I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. Psalm 3:5.

I can give up a lot...I can by His strength. I know what I chose to hold on to and what I chose to let go of...and I know more than anything when He calls me to let go of something...I will do it. Ultimately He is the One Essential I need. Everything else is just icing on the cake...and I'm blessed.

God is still God

2010-03-25T12:37:00.002-06:00

The Story of Zac Smith from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.

Amazing Story. Amazing Testimony...

God is good even when....
God is good even if....

What do I know about anything?

2010-03-22T11:13:00.001-06:00

I'm not an expert on anything. I realized that today...yep...just now. I was just as shocked as you are. I didn't walk away from college as an expert...I didn't finish giving birth to 3 babies and walk away a better mother...watched a movie the other night and I'm pretty sure it made me dumber...

I think it kinda bothers me that I'm not an expert. I do lots of stuff...just enough to mess it up...but I'm not an expert. I use this as a crutch in my arguments with God a LOT. I tend to wince when He calls me to do something and then I shrug my shoulders and in the most whiny voice I can muster I say: But I don't know how to do that.. or Are you SURE you want me to do THAT? And then when He says 'Yes' I (in my disbelief that my childish attitude didn't win Him over to my side) shrug my shoulders and say 'Well okay, but don't say I didn't tell you so'.

This is when God likes to remind me that even in my "really ... you want me to do that..." and my "this is so inconvenient and I really don't appreciate it" attitude that it's not about me and that He will prove it by using my weakest areas of self to show off His strength. This is also when He likes to remind me that I asked to inconvenienced for His sake....and that He is. I'm inconvenienced...just thought you should know.

Are you?

finding my way home...

2010-03-15T18:45:00.002-06:00

So the time came to make some decisions. I've been writing lately about the BIG decisions that come along in life...not like...what should we eat for dinner...OR even...where should we go on vacation (that is IF you take vacations...we haven't...in a while). Standing at the edge of life we looked around, surveyed all we had, decided we didn't have what we wanted...some things had to go...

**If you're looking for a post to brighten your day, you may want to hit the 'next blog' button up top...this will not be one of those

Serious conversations began. We have had some REALLY rough years, this last year probably being one of the hardest. As we took a dive into our existence to see what we were made of, one of the things we've learned is God has to...HAS TO...have His way with us or we won't ever fulfill His purpose here. As our Pastor L put it this weekend...we were made to give Him everything...and when we give Him everything...we find out what we were made for. So we're starting the process of giving Him everything. What does that look like for us? Well first step is to sell our house. Hard to do in this economy. Might not look pretty...but it's a start and it's necessary.

One of the things that dawned on me today is even though I get the fact Isaac is at home in Heaven...there was something in the back of my mind gnawing at me about leaving this place...and my memories of him here...this was our home with him...he never made it back with us from the hospital...but still this place was our home together...and leaving here...means leaving some of that. Part of me is grateful I don't have to go into my office in the basement anymore where I spent a lot of time crying, the other part of me is so sad. There is history engraved in this place. I know I know...the memories go with me...but all the same...it's tough.

This Summer I took a drive...wasn't sure where I was going...I ended up driving up and up...and somewhere on Mt. Evans...I pulled over and was listening to Mercy Seat blaring in my car...I rolled down the window's to let the sound blast through a meadow and watched some dear grazing while I cried out begging God to tell me what in the world He was doing. His only response to me ... "I make all things new"...and that He does...

It will be an interesting journey packing up this house...I'm sure the tears will keep coming and the uncertainty of what God is doing with us will continue until He choses to fill us in...but the two things we know are: Give Him everything...find yourself...and He will make all things new.

More to come...more decisions to be made...I'll let you know as they happen...

Say what?

2010-03-10T08:51:00.000-07:00

We have been grappling with finding the path God wants us on. More and more the signs are pointing to a specific region, at a specific place, with a specific people...hmmm? Could I be more specific? no...

Anyway...Sunday morning I just happened to be helping in Kids Church for the first time EVER and we were watching a Compassion video on some kids from this specific place and they were in a Church singing. My daughter the Bug leaned over with a very concerned look on her face and said: "mom, are they worshiping the One True God?" I didn't think the love barometer could spike so high...but it did and in a half a second I was in tears. "yes baby, they are worshiping the one true God." Later when we got in the car, she started telling us everything she was planning on giving to the children AND that we needed to bring one boy and one girl home so we stayed even...she is truly an amazing child...and I'm not sure what I did to deserve her...

as a side note, if you live in the San Antonio area and need an amazing photographer...who happened to take the above picture go here.

In any case...I just wanted to say that when the Lord starts to call you to His plan and His work...or rather...when WE start to listen and finally hear the call...because I think all of us are called...He makes it so evident...He even has the audacity to use our children (gasp!)

I promise to keep you updated. This could be a short term thing, it could be a long term thing, it could be a 'Just wanted to see if you would say yes' thing, but all the way around we know it will be a God thing.

Love you all,

Sara

2010-03-09T13:28:00.003-07:00

Layla went to play with the angels early this morning. Rest in peace precious Layla. 11/26/2007 - 3/9/2010

www.laylagrace.org

To the Marsh Family,

My prayers are with you. I cannot fathom the loss. I'm so sorry.

In Christ,

Sara Pipkin

Trust and Obey

2010-03-06T08:28:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning and no joke was singing this song in my head:

This world is not my home,
I'm just passing through
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue.
The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

O Lord you know I have no friend like you
If Heaven's not my home, then Lord what will I do?
The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

I seriously don't think I've sung that song in 15 years. I kind of giggled thinking about how some of those old hymns are really good at articulating how we feel...just in a very hokey way...but I know it wasn't hokey back then so please don't send hate mail!

In any case, I woke up feeling uncomfortable with life. I do this every once in a while...when we start moving towards serious change I just start feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. The ground underneath me seems to move...I get quiet, pull away and spend a LOT of time praying and thinking. This in the past has resulted in my hubby thinking I'm angry...but I'm not...just a tinsy winsy bit stressed (He knows that now so don't send marriage help books with your hate mail). I do NOT like change. Never have. I like things to be and flow smooth. However, as odd as this will sound, there are times when I crave change...I just never have the guts to do anything about it. I can remember when I was in college and I had just moved to Colorado and I was desperate to feel comfortable again. I was sitting in my room begging the Lord to just take me home because in my heart of hearts I knew that Heaven was going to be the only place I'd ever feel normal and at home again. He had something different in mind...There is this scripture in Exodus 23:9 that talks about oppressing an alien, it says: "Do not oppress an alien; you yourselves know how it feels to be aliens, because you were aliens in Egypt". Even back then people KNEW how it felt to be in a place they knew was not their home.

So why am I ranting about this this morning? Well, partly because when I wake up singing songs like that in my head, there is no going back to sleep...so I'm a tad bit cranky that I got up at 6 am on a Saturday. AND because I realize there are times when get comfortable and then the world seems okay for a little while. We have what we need, money might be a little tight, but over all we're ok...Our kids our healthy and we don't have anything shaking our world up on a massive Spiritual scale...so life isss...ok.We don't REALLY need God at that moment because everything seems right with the world.

THEN something starts to move you...you start to realize the ground underneath you that was so stable 2 seconds ago is not so stable anymore. You realize the house you've been living in is full of things you'll never take with you when you go...and you say it out loud to friends who need to hear that...but you yourself...you can't let go. You realize that although you have told God you give Him your children...when something is wrong with them, you beg Him not to take them. The ground starts to shake a little more and we realize we are losing our footing and now we are VERY uncomfortable. The catastrophe thunders down on us and when the storm is over and the dust starts to settle and all around us is devastation God looks down and says: It is good. We cry and raise our fists to the heavens and beg Him to answer us why. We survey the devastation and mournfully we start to clean up and somewhere on the wind a melody fills us with comfort, but the words rain down a reality we forgot somewhere before the storm came and they say something like this: Not a shadow can rise, Not a cloud in the skies, But His smile quickly drives it away; Not a doubt or a fear, Not a sigh or a tear, Can abide if we trust and obey. Trust and obey, for there's no other way To be happy with Jesus, But to trust and obey. Not a burden we bear, Not a sorrow we share, But our toil He doth richly repay; Not a grief or a loss, Not a frown or a cross, But is blest if we trust and obey. Trust and obey, for there's no other way To be happy with Jesus, But to trust and obey...as the song washes over us, we step back to see the wreckage is gone, our life is rebuilt and even the hint of a storm is out of sight. Only then do we see it IS good...it is better than before and this time we will remember...and we will learn and we will trust and obey...

Asher Update

2010-03-05T11:51:00.002-07:00

*****************************UPDATE***************************************
Houston....we have poop. And that's all I'm going to say about that because I think we're all tired of talking about this ~~crap~~ poop.
*******************************************************************************

You'll love this...I have nothing new to tell you. We had the ultra sound done. It was horribly annoying. Jason and I had to hold Asher down, the tech had no bedside manor and didn't even acknowledge Asher except to tell him the gel would be cold. SERIOUSLY??? You're going to tell a 19 month old that doesn't even know why you flew in the room, flipped the lights off and now you're putting something on him and you can't even say hi? No wonder why he started screaming.

We were told the doctors office would get the results within the next 24 hours...so yes...you guessed it...I'll be calling once lunch is up and hounding the doctor to see if she can call and get the results sooner.

Bleh...in any case. He's asleep now, no more dirty diapers of any kind except for wet.Thanks for hanging in there with us in prayer!

What you Know in your Knower

2010-03-04T08:35:00.004-07:00

**Update #2 Ugh…so now they are saying he has to have had NOTHING by mouth for 6 hours before they will do the Ultra Sound. Brandi does this sound right? We have an appointment at 7:30 in the am. I guess now we wait another day.

**Update #1 - Just got off the phone with the Dr.’s assistant who said we SHOULD be expecting runniness instead of solid and that she didn’t want to call in the ultra sound till his symptoms changed. I asked if the fact that he was not eating very well now made any difference and she said not to worry…so I said…well I am worried and I want the ultra sound done as planned so we can have some piece of mind. She said she would call it in now. We will hopefully be on our way shortly. I also clarified with her that she would call me TODAY with results…she said yes. I’m sure she cussed me when she got off the phone, but what can you expect when you tell a mother her son has something in his tummy?

I have a PA-RECIOUS boy. His name is Asher...but we call him Biscuits. He has been the coolest kid and by all measures...probably will be the most spoiled. I think this is common with your last...or when you have lost the one before...I just think you spoil your kids more. In any case, we think he rocks. I just wanted to ask you to pray for him today.

On Sunday he started throwing up when he was in bed and then having runny tummy poopy issues the rest of the time. I took him in on Tuesday because he wasn't acting sick and things weren't adding up. So they did an Xray to see what they could see. We found out yesterday he has a block in his stomach that is most likely, hopefully, just from a little constipation.

We are going to go in for an ultra sound today since we have been doing a lot of laxatives and still no poop. Just pray for him for comfort and that mommy and daddy will live Psalm 112:7 He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Because we know in our knower God is in control...sometimes that doesn't relate back to the heart. I know you all have my back in prayer and I'm so blessed to have you in my community.

Love you all

Sara

Since things have been heavy lately...

2010-03-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

I thought I would post something that makes everyone smile! How about a recipe for an awesome CHOCOLATE cake and a funny story? No? Yes? Whatever...

So for any of you that actually know me...you know I loathe...I mean LOATHE ironing. I would rather buy stretchy clothes that never feel the heat of an iron. As luck would have it, I'm married to a guy who needs his pants creased in the right place and his shirts starched to perfection...yea...poor poor Bebe. AND, my bff irons her clothes every night before she goes to bed, AND my business partner who is mildly insane is an ironing freak too...THESE PEOPLE IRON JEANS! So...needless to say, the iron and I don't meet a lot and I'm really OK with that...or I was until...

It was very pretty Sunday morning and the pants and shirt I wanted Biscuits in were wrinkled beyond wearing. I...being the attentive mommy that I am...walked into the guest room where the iron resides and plugged it in. As I stood there wondering if it was really worth ironing a shirt no bigger than a dolls shirt...my daughter walked in to talk to me. The Bug (as we call her) was chatting away as I started the grueling process of ironing a very small shirt collar when all of a sudden she stopped. This is the conversation that changed my way of thinking...sort of...:

the bug: "Mom...what is that?"
me: "what baby, I'm busy I can't see what you're pointing at" I said while cross eyed trying to crease the sleeve of a shirt
the bug: "Mooo' ooom"
me: "don't Mooo'ooom me, what are you talking about?"
the bug: "WHAT is that TOOL you are using?"
blink blink....what is that tool...oh my...how old was she...losing my mind, counting fast...one, two...six...WHAT...she's six and she doesn't know what an iron is? Oh my...what will her future husband say about me? What will she tell people in school about me? Will her teacher send a note home? Will she tell the carpool mom? Will I be ostracized from carpool? Will they kick us out of school? This is it...all this time I thought my obsession with not eating at a buffet or never eating left overs would ruin her, but I've done it with an iron! I knew I shouldn't have picked the dang thing up....

NOW...I know what you are thinking...Sara, you're so right to have all these feelings and no one thinks your weird...I know I know...but really that wasn't what I was thinking. THIS is what I was thinking after I stopped laughing about it all morning: IF my daughter never remembers me with an iron in my hand, but always remembers seeing me on my knees or my nose in the Word, remembers hearing me Praise God for the big harvest moon, or the sunset painted in the sky...If all she remembers is when the world seemed Topsy turvy we could see where God had blessed us...then life's alright with me. Even if we never carpool again. Amen.

Now...here's some chocolate cake:

20 Minute Chocolate Cake
1 Cup of Water
1 Stick of Butter
¼ Cup of Cocoa
Combine in pan until butter is melted
2 Cups of Flour
2 Cups of Sugar
Mix and combine with butter mixture, add:
2 Eggs
1 teaspoon of salt
1 teaspoon of soda
½ Cup of Buttermilk
¼ teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of vanilla
Mix and bake at 350 for 20 minutes or until knife comes out clean
Icing:
¼ Cup of Butter
¼ Cup of Milk
¼ Cup of Cocoa
1 Cup of sugar
2 Teaspoons of Vanilla
Bring to a boil and let it boil for a minute, take off heat and whip it for a little bit then pour on hot cake. Yes…pour it on the hot cake.

Eat up sisters! You are loved!

Sara

When your IT isn't enough...

2010-03-01T12:02:00.000-07:00

This Sunday was beautiful and hard. I ended up kicking my fast off a little early as the wee hours of the morning reached me very early on Sunday. I woke up to pitch black darkness in my room and started praying. My memory washed over the stories and sadness we had been hearing about, but the ones in particular that were really getting me were the stories about the children dying of cancer and the little girls being sold into the sex trade at as young as 9 years old. When I started this journey...this awareness...it was very apparent to me that I could walk away at any point. I didn't have to read all those stories. I didn't have to look at the pictures. I could completely protect myself and my mind, because after all, what could I do?

Well for starters, I could read all the stories, I could look at all the pictures, and I could pull my head out and accept the fact the world is an ugly place of suffering. There are people all over that do not get to close their web pages and turn their head. They are faced day in and day out with the tragedy of life. They are the parents trying to hold on. They are the Humanitarian desperate to bring water to Africa. They are the missionaries striving to teach a people that selling your child for sex is not right. These things are happening every day. So my question has been to myself, is it really alright for me to shut the TV off, turn the page, close my eyes, pretend it isn't there? But...if I do that...how will I ever know what I'm really to pray for? How will I ever rise to the challenge to be a part of Kingdom work, here and now? How will I ever be able to truly teach my children how to live out an authentic life in Christ if I shield them from the reality of the world? How?

I can't fix everything. I know. On Sunday morning as we were praising God in church, with my hands lifted to Him He said: "I numbered their days before they were born, but it does not mean I love them less, it just means My plan is different than yours." I, humbly, should know this by now. I don't mean to sound callous when I say this, but my losing Isaac...does not compare to what THIS family is going through. I know that, and although I don't even understand our own loss, what He revealed to me THEN is still the same: He has a purpose for all of us. At the time of conception there is a plan on our lives, and sometimes that plan is to work with Him in Heaven.

That is all I need to know. I hope you had a fruitful day yesterday. I hope if you joined me the fast that God chose to speak mighty words to you that can only come from Him. Thank you for being with me on this journey. I know I'm a tad bit intense (okay...a lot intense), but I also know God is working out something in me to His favor that will someday be glorious.

Love you all,

Sara

Awakened Awareness...

2010-02-24T11:53:00.006-07:00

UPDATE:

Ezra 8:23 So we fasted and petitioned our God about this, and he answered our prayer.

This is what I want to proclaim over all of you who have joined me today! I believe that even before we knew we would be here together on this journey, God had and has a plan to show Himself mighty to each of us. I can't wait to hear how He works in you and in your situations today and in the days to come.

Have a blessed time in Church.

Love you,

Sara
****************************************************************

I want to encourage you today to be inconvenienced for the sake of others.

I have been sitting and reading story after story of people desperate for hope. It dawned on me today that although I feel hopeless to help, I can do something. On Sunday the 28th I am committing to fast for 24 hours (starting when I wake up) through Monday morning. I would love it if you would join me. I know I know...it's so inconvenient...but when you start to read the stories from the links below...you will see why.

Please take some time to post sites you know of, or tell me in the comment section about someone you know that needs prayer and why. THEN, if you have committed and feel lead to join me on Sunday, please let me know.

I believe in fasting. I KNOW it works. PLEASE forward to everyone you know. Let's make this big! Let's spend 24 hours being inconvenienced for these people and approach the thrown of the Father and seek out a miracle from Him.

Is your Grime Bleached?

2010-02-24T08:12:00.001-07:00

I was cleaning my sink this morning...it's white...has to be bleached a LOT...when I noticed the cup in my little drainy thingy was gross...so I decided...I'll BLEACH that too! So I did...I bleached the grime in that thing so good you could barely notice it was still in there, but it was. Then that got me to thinking...what grime in my life has been bleached but not scrubbed away?

I think it's normal for all of us to have areas in our life we struggle with. We pray over them, ask the Lord to search our hearts and minds and rid us of our grime. In some cases He does in ways we will never forget...and I mean NEVER...and in other ways...we ask, and we bleach...but we don't REALLY want the scrub. We're not willing to get our muscle in it and scrub the livin' daylights out of it so we can be rid of it once and for all. Just bleach that grime...no one will notice it's still there, and I MIGHT pretend it's not there either.

In my reading this morning I came across Proverbs 20:30, it says this: Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being. I kind of giggled and then said 'Amen'. This is the muscle that cleanses our soul! What I have learned is either I will have the strength to stay in the word and expel my life of the grime...and this is the easy way...OR...God will purge my inmost being with that 2x4. THAT hurts! Not very encouraging is it? Well how about this:

WHEN we've finished this race, cleansed of our grime and all...and we will...this is the glory that awaits us (and gives my heart such comfort)

Revelation 19:7-9
⁷Let us rejoice and be glad
      and give him glory!
   For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
      and his bride has made herself ready.
⁸Fine linen, bright and clean,
      was given her to wear." (Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.)
⁹Then the angel said to me, "Write: 'Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!' " And he added, "These are the true words of God."

I don't know about you, but I can't wait for that fine linen - BRIGHT and CLEAN.

I love you all,

Sara

Holding on to sand...

2010-02-23T16:33:00.001-07:00

I'm not going to lie. I've been stressed lately. I have been fighting a battle for a long time with other people's perceptions and keeping idols where they shouldn't be kept - a lot of times those idols live in how I'm viewed. There are other things too though...like the more tangible things...this economy is killing us right now and it's time to make some decisions. The hard ones. The ones that change the course of your life...or maybe not. MAYBE...what I'm holding on to is not THAT big of a deal. MAYBE it's like trying to hold on to sand...

If I picked up an arm full of sand and squeezed it with everything I had, that would be the equivalent to what life is like in the world of material possessions. Not only are we cautioned about building our house on the sand...but we're also told to store up our treasures in Heaven (thank you Amanda for reminding me). How eternally appropriate: Matthew 6:19-20 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.

I'm not sure what battle you are up against today. I wish I could pray all of your pain and my pain away quickly...but that isn't 'of' this world. We live in the fleetingness of this place and everything about it is temporary...unsettled...unnatural...all I can say is I'm so grateful Heaven awaits us. So grateful.

Unchanged in the world of His mystery
Holds the treasure our Father secures
Finding peace in the sea’s of His mercy
Let the waves wash my pain off His shore
This world I know all too well now
And it’s shadowed by mysteries above
This agony my day brings to find me
Is eased by the hope of His love
Rest in eternal redemption
Swim in the oceans of grace
Where no pain and sorrow will find me
Only the smile on my sweet saviors face

Something to pray about...

2010-02-20T16:30:00.001-07:00

So this has been a tough weekend. We have set into the dark months of my work...which are usually January and February...this is where I don't close anything, just because of the time of year...and we have to do a lot of praying to make it to the next commission and pay day. We also had our basement overflow with sewage yesterday. Disaster...horrible, smelly disaster. I cried only once, but gagged a LOT. After a lot of bleach, ripped out carpet and hurt back I stood in my wrecked basement and thanked God for preparing me for what I know is an awareness of things to come.

Can I handle standing in Africa, amidst poor water conditions and children who are being wasted away by that? Can I handle going to India and deal with the stench of the trash and children fishing through it to find their next meal?
Can I stand in Haiti and soak in the devastation of an already poor country hit by devastation beyond what I can understand?
Can I?

My answer is I will. I love how God works through our days. Shows us things we otherwise wouldn't recognize in our comfortable living rooms, eating our fast food and watching TV that takes us away from reality into a world that pulls us from being aware. I WANT to be in that mode of full awareness...daily understanding that I'm blessed...holding a child that never otherwise would feel loved if it wasn't for people like us willing to go. I'm so ready.

We are on a journey. Will my husband lose his job? Will I get another commission anytime soon? Will the Lord finally show us when and where we are to be?

I don't know. If you want to pray with us, we'd love that. What I do know? I'm grateful our sewage system backed up yesterday.

Love you all.

Sara

I'm not ignoring you...

2010-02-17T08:34:00.002-07:00

For those of you who are so wonderful and faithful at checking back at my blog to see if there are any updates, I just wanted to update you on the latest update...in a not so updated sort of fashion....overkill? Okay I'm done, here it goes:

I am speaking this Friday, if the weather permits, and therefore all of my writing energies are focused on that right now...and being a mom, mother and mortgage broker...and Bible Study...

So, don't be dismayed, because I just know you're in a fetal position on the floor waiting for my next post....(insert cricket noises here) (once again)..I will be back.

Love you all. I will most likely post what I spoke on next, so be reading up on Balaam and the Donkey and lets see if you can guess what I'm talking on.

Sara

PS: This is me getting distracted from writing to prove I wear glasses to my Brandi girl...you can her check out HERE and you should because she rocks!

Have to stop...

2010-02-14T22:13:00.001-07:00

My latest blog hopping venture has taken me all over the blogerworld to find people that have adopted from different countries, all with so very different stories, very different drives, but one common thread - the one true God.

I have to stop. I can do this for hours and what I usually find is myself in a near pile of tears on the floor feeling helpless and (shamefully) jealous that I can't do more than just pray right now. On one hand I'm so ready to jump in and just Do the THING and go start the process of helping wherever I can, and on the other hand, I temper my drive with the what if's and the logic behind the emotional conquest. I know - because I hear and read - that it is not easy. Reading stories like this tend to ground me back to reality, but then there is still a tug that pulls at my heart strings, and like an addiction I come back for more 2, 3, 4, 5 times a day just to read and see the pictures of the children smiling, unsure of where they are and where they are going and even if this is the real deal. So many of them have tasted and seen things you and I can not even conjure up in our heads. They are in need of serious love and support. Can I do that? Then I weep and exclaim, Father, only you know the intentions of my heart. Search me and find anything that is a vain desire and dispel of it so that when the time comes, I can do Your bidding with a pure heart, eager to show You and Your love to any child who will take it from me. Lord...if I am not ready, make me ready.

It is so appropriate that He is searching me even now and we (our Father and I) are communicating about the way He would take Jason and I as I begin to teach this Friday on rising to the challenge of Kingdom work. All around me He interjects thoughts and provokes images in my mind that show me we are called to His work, if we would just believe of ourselves what He believes in us. So often we step back and recoil from doing anything other than our daily life because we don't believe God can use someone like us...someone like me...what does that mean? Why are we so stuck on the fact that we are the ONE person God has chose not to use in a mighty way? We are the one person who did that one unforgivable thing that God refuses to use..who are WE to say what we are, when clearly He has called us, before the foundations of the earth was laid, He called us.

Man! I get so frustrated with the whining and the sniveling and hear me now...it's my own whining and sniveling I take issue with here. I don't know where you stand in your walk...but I know in mine, I've spent way to much time flushing minutes down the toilet waiting for the next big thing...waiting for God to use me in a big way...all the while in my arrogance thinking the small ways are too small for me and they really don't count. ugh....

Lord, use me. In the small ways, in the big ways, just use me. Don't let a day go by where You don't afford me the opportunity to do Your work, to see Your people and the life around me the way You see it. I don't want to wonder and waste away thinking I could have done something big...You Lord are SO big and in all things that are working for Your good, for Your glory....it is big and it is amazing. Thank you for calling me to Your plan. Whatever that is, I ask You take me to it. I am ruined for Your plan. Please, don't let my words wither away into nothingness, allow me to write and speak all that is You and all for You.

use me...

My reality? I may never get to adopt. I may never go overseas and work again. I may never realize the picture of what I believe is the thing to do...but if I'm doing what God calls me to....if I'm listening to His desire over my life and taking the challenge...I will have all and be doing all that I need. What more could I ask for but to be in His world doing His work now?

Thy Kingdom come...Thy will be done.

Yes Lord.

To My Husband

2010-02-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

Jason,

The last year of our marriage has been one God moment after another. If anyone has a doubt as to His existence, we can prove them otherwise over and over at this point. The biggest testimony to His work in me is that you are still here with me.

Nine years ago today I woke up without one doubt in my mind or heart that I was getting ready to seal a part of the plan God had ordained over my life from the moment of His weaving me in the womb. There was never a man that stirred my heart the way you had. You were meant for me. At times over the years I haven't treated you as the gift that you are. This passed year...I have done and said a lot of stupid things. I have broken your heart, made you cry, doubted His plan, run away from you and hurt you so many times. For that..I am so sorry. And for that...I am so greatful for your forgiveness.

Jason, no one ever made me feel the safety I felt when I was in your arms. I still feel that way after 12 years of being in your arms. I can't tell you how happy I am to know that I get to have that for the rest of my life. I never in my wildest dreams thought we would be here today, loving each other the way we do with the security that our relationship has been ordained by the King Himself and NO ONE can tear that apart. You are mine.

I am more in love with you than I ever thought possible. When I look at you, I don't just see a guy that I share a house with and 3 babies with...I see a really hot man who makes my knees week and my tummy fill with butterflies. I look at you and I can't believe you still want anything to do with me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for not giving up on us.

I love you Jason. Happy Anniversary.

Writing to Write

2010-02-08T14:24:00.000-07:00

Years ago...when I was in college...which really was years and years ago....I took a persuasive writing class. I really wasn't that into school and I had yet to declare a major, so I would pick classes that seemed to be easy enough to get through. I can't even tell you what my thesis was on for this class other than it had something to do with G. Gordon Liddy, and don't even ask me what I could have possibly persuaded people about when it came to Liddy...the answer to that is I have no clue. But I wrote it and I turned it in and I passed...so really does anything else matter?

As any self respecting college student would do, I wrote my first assignment hours before it was due. Due to the complicated nature of the assignment and my lack of hours researching for the paper, I opted to write a paper on why you should have fish for pets instead of cats or dogs. It was very remarkable and earned me an outstanding grade as well as a proclamation from my teacher that she had declared my major for me...and it would be English. Ask me how far that has taken me...no don't...no...yea no...

Anyway, God showed me that my writing capabilities are dwindling due to my lack of ...well...writing AND listening to Him. So I have made the commitment to write. I am writing to write and I don't know what I'm writing about....except for writing. Are you on the edge of your seat yet? (insert cricket noises here) Well of course you are! All this really is leading up to something I promise.

Several months ago I woke up in the middle of the night from a horrible dream...for those of you who dream about showing up to work without ~~undies~~ pants...or school without your homework...this was NOT one of those dreams. This was a dream about being left behind. The rapture had taken place, and I was still here...it goes much deeper than this...but what I want to convey to you is the depth of pain with which my soul cried out. I literally went into the hallway and got flat on my face and begged the Lord to speak so that I would know the dream was not real. As tears soaked the fibers underneath my face I realized His peace was covering my soul and I was not deserted. A fire began in me to stop the 'general' pursuit of Bible Study and increasing my 'book smart' knowledge of Him and change to a pursuit of 'everything in action'. I realized that early morning that we REALLY ARE only here for a short time. And we REALLY DON'T know the hour or the day...

The wheels on our life are beginning to pick up speed and more and more we see there is something bigger going on and we begin to question what is He going to use us for and where are we going... Then I realized I don't want to just read about what other people are doing for the Kingdom, I want to do! Then this other question started nagging at me 'What is the point of what I do now?'. How does my daily work impact the Kingdom? Then the fire of questions caught wind and one of the words blowing through the flames was: 'Write'. So I said: 'okay, I will write, but You realize who your asking to write...right?' And answering my one question with one word He said 'You'. And with that He has began to answer me with new things...demolishing insecurities...highlighting new needs that require more reliance on Him...interjecting new thoughts and ideas that are so fresh and real. So often I have a tendency to sit and write about Him, instead of to Him. So often I have a tendency to talk about Him, instead of listen to Him. So often, when I hear Him say...'I want to use you...now write' I have a tendency to say 'who am I?' and 'what for?'. Then I realized that my own insecurity was leading me to sin. My overwhelming fear of falling prey to pride and attention was giving way to the enemy to keep me silent and directly disobeying our Father. I have been called to be DOING this whole time...but I was HIDING instead...and for what?

So today...new thing...I'm obeying and writing. I'm believing God has a lot of things to say and I'm believing I can be used in that. FOR HIS GLORY ONLY. Not my will but thine o Lord that Your name might be proclaimed throughout Heaven and Earth.

I may not always have insightful things to say...but I want to DO...so I will. That is all I have to say today...well till my daughter gets in the car and tells me about which boy she chased today and then she will get the next earful.

Go use your gift. He gave it to you for a reason. Make the commitment to take the seat of responsibility He is offering you. The work is hard, the reward is better.

Love you all,

Sara

Disaster Relief

2010-02-03T08:59:00.000-07:00

Jason and I had the honor a few years ago to work with the Salvation Army in Greensburg Kansas after the F5 tornado ripped their town apart. When I say apart...I mean A PART! We have a heart for really wanting to be in the thick of it helping, but right now that is not a possibility for us. Jason was reading their website today and this picture is on the front page and I wanted to share it with you:

Roads of devastation. It is such a sobering thing to see and it puts your world into quick perspective. But sometimes our lives feel like natural disasters. Sometimes we feel like every direction we turn there is a problem or one other thing that is falling apart. Our marriage. Our kids out of control. The church we attend is doing more harm to it's members than good. Our friends are toxic. The list could go on and on and leave us feeling like we don't have much left.

I love the caption the Salvation Army put here: We combat natural disasters with acts of God. If this were a picture of my life, I think I would want the caption to say: He combats my life with acts of grace.

Is your life in ruins today? Would it be nice to get some rescue work in your world? Numbers 10:9 God is talking to Moses and He says: When you go into battle in your own land against an enemy who is oppressing you, sound a blast on the trumpets. Then you will be remembered by the LORD your God and rescued from your enemies.

Go into battle today confident that God is ready to rescue you! Luckily for us, we don't have to carry a trumpet around and freak our co-workers out when we give out a big 'ol blast! Call on your God to rescue you!

Psalm 145:17-19

¹⁷ The LORD is righteous in all his ways
       and loving toward all he has made.
¹⁸ The LORD is near to all who call on him,
       to all who call on him in truth.
¹⁹ He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
       he hears their cry and saves them.

Hold on to your hat sisters..

2010-02-01T16:34:00.006-07:00

This post is going to knock it out of the playing field...and in case you were wondering...yes I REALLY make myself laugh. Okay..I know two posts in one day is REEEEAAALLY extravagant for me, but I've been dying to post this so you guys could join in.

So I have to tell you that I was reading an email from a new friend, who ROCKS I might add...and she mentioned she is clumsy! Which made me laugh because I have done some wild clumsy things in my life, one of which I will save for further revelation momentarily. Anyway, it got me to thinking about how we share our stories of clumsiness and how we get a good laugh out of each other...THEN in some weird train of thought that my brain is equipped and wired for...I started thinking about the game CLUE. Don't ask...just follow me there. So here's how this interactive post is going to go:

State the worst injury you ever gave to yourself using a character from the game of CLUE, the room you were in, the weapon and a small description. I would LOVE for you to pass this on to your friends so we can get as many responses as possible! I think it will be a blast. So I'll start:

Miss Scarlett, in the bathroom with the cabinet door. I gave myself a 3rd degree concussion and whip lash one morning after a shower. I flung my head up after running my fingers through my hair and gracefully...in a very harsh completely ungentle way, whacked my head on the cabinet door and knocked myself out....there you have it...now the world knows.

You're next! Here are the Characters from the board game in case you need a refresher:

Miss Scarlet
Colonel Mustard
Mrs. White
Reverend Green
Mrs Peacock
Professor Plum

Words of petition

2010-02-01T01:07:00.004-07:00

As is custom on the nights I'm exhausted and believe I might actually get to sleep...Biscuits...my sweet boy who is 18 months old today...decided he would not. I got up several times throughout the night to take him what I thought he needed, or find his papo (otherwise knows as passy) but nothing seemed to work. I was thinking how crazy it was that the Bug was speaking in full sentences at this age, and it was SO much easier. He has a LOT of words and more than ever they are starting to take literal flight, but he's still just our baby...and I like that. At about 2:30 in the morning though...we were on round 4 or 5 getting up...which I have to tell you before you all start giving me parental advice...I don't do often. I had a feeling that something must be wrong, so I was being extra attentive. So just know I'm not an overrly protective, give my baby anything, jump at every noise mama! Anywhoo...I was laying there listening to him A - GAIN...and all of a sudden...there it was "Baba...baba...mama...baba" I couldn't believe it! He was asking for a bottle! I could HELP! Whoohoo! I flew down the stairs and loaded a bottle with milk, warmed it quickly and ran back up the stairs to rescue my sweet boy who was obviously hungry...don't even start on me about the fact that he's 18 months old and is still drinking out of a bottle...

Later in the morning as I was resting my head on my pillow, thinking the night away...I started to wonder about our first words of petition. When we prayed for the first time...did our Father just jump up and down for joy! Was He elated when He heard us speak to Him for the first time...even if it was for a Pretty in Pink Barbie? Or for the boy that we so wanted as our boyfriend and were certain we would die if God didn't force him to fall in love with us right there on the spot! Whatever the first time we've prayed, or even now when we pray, words of petition bring so much more to the table. I have to believe that in some way...even if we aren't on the right path...or if we're asking for something that isn't what we need...or if all we EVER do is ask...I have to believe that somewhere in the heartbeat of Heaven there is rejoicing because we haven't given up acknowledgement of our Creator.

There are times too when, as I said Biscuits doesn't articulate his words well...eh-hem...and I would give anything to have someone say...listen lady...he is sick and tired of being in the house and is requesting you get him goldfish crackers and take him on a walk...something like that. Do you remember that scene in Up when they realize the dogs can talk through their voice boxes? I need one of those for him! There are times when we ourselves have this ongoing thing in our heart that we can't verbalize. We know the bulk of our request, the pain surrounding it...but we just don't know what to pray for. What then? Our hope is this..the Spirit intercedes for us in prayer and takes everything our heart would verbalize and lays it at the feet of the Father. He is our translator giving God the whole of what we request and what we seek. Romans 8:26 says In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. I love that 'with groans that words cannot express'. I have to tell you I have spent plenty of time on my face, tears soaking the carpet, and no words can fill the room...only sobs. There is such peace in knowing, I don't have to verbalize it because the One Spirit who is active and living in me is at that moment, racing to the thrown room to lay my heart at the foot of the king, and He in turn will quiet it:

Zephania 3:17 says:
The LORD your God is with you,
       he is mighty to save.
       He will take great delight in you,
       he will quiet you with his love,
       he will rejoice over you with singing."

Are you feeling lately like you just don't have much to say? Do you feel like a parakeet constantly repeating the same thing? Say it again. He WILL take great delight in you. It doesn't say He DID...it says He will...

I know from emails and comments and women at church...there is so much pain painting the skies of this world. There are petitions to be made. Don't think for one second our Father is too busy, not interested, or hasn't heard you because He hasn't answered. He rejoices over you. He will calm your heart, and I promise He is mighty to save. But don't take my word for it...ask Him yourself.

I love you,

Sara

Just thought I'd let you know...

2010-01-28T09:56:00.001-07:00

EVIDENTALLY...I'm uncooperative. YEP...you heard it first here! I mean...I'm just as shocked as you are. I always thought I had a pretty good attitude and was pretty um...what's a good word...how about fluid? Yep...pretty fluid in my ability to adapt to my situation and circumstances.

*Disclaimer - We should stop right here before I go any further and I should tell you this is a totally selfish rant and there really isn't anything inspirational about it. That being said, I can hear my mom saying 'If you don't have anything nice to say...', but she's not really here and that was all in my head, so read on sister!

So this morning I went to a networking meeting that I attend every Thursday. The meeting starts at 7:30 and it seems that it always snows Wednesday night...which makes for a really fun morning. I had a great drive though, I raised the roof of my car in praise and I stopped at Starbucks (of course) for a Venti Refresh Tea, and headed to my meeting. Got there early because a friend of mine who is also in the meeting and the person that I started the group with, was meeting me there early so we could talk about the direction of the group. She wasn't there yet, so I settled into a comfy chair and contemplated the economy and the effects it will have on the lending industry over the next year (will I survive...I say whilst biting my nails and tapping my foot nervously on the floor)...(yes...I will). Anyway, this group is being formed under a networking organization...kinda’ like how a chamber of commerce has leads groups...this organization teaches and forms groups for networking. It has a great business model and a ton of resources, so we thought it would be a good fit for us. One of the people that is in place to help us was going to show up this morning, I had never met her, but was looking forward to the insight she would have.

To make a really long story short, we were the only people there at 7:20 and were discussing the applications people had submitted and getting them to her. I mentioned that my weeks were really crazy and I usually schedule appointments further out, but that next Thursday morning at the meeting I could get her everything she needed since I didn't have it all together. She said she wouldn't be there, I said ok, well my next available appointment would be on Wednesday the 10th and this is the conversation that ensued:

(VERY BIG SIGH FROM SAID MEANY WOMAN) "What do you mean you can't meet me before then?"
Me: "Well, as I mentioned" (in the sweetest non condescending way possible) "I won't really have everyone’s applications till next Thursday"
Meany: "Then" (sigh) "What about Friday?"
Me: "I won't be in the office that day and have my day booked"
Meany: "Well the 10th is 2 weeks away"
Me: "I know and unfortunately, my calendar is pretty crazy right now, but I'm happy to try to meet you when I can and it looks like the first day I can meet you is the 10th"
Meany: EVEN BIGGER SIGH - "I think this is ridiculous"
Me: "Come again?"
Meany: "I think you are very uncooperative"

And there you have it people! Shocking, but true. What I really wanted to say, but I didn't because my 'Be Nice' radar was blaring in my head so loud I couldn’t think, was:

Listen lady, I'm a full time mom, full time wife, full time mortgage broker, I'm on the board of a nonprofit and I lead a woman's Bible study. If you want to know if I'm uncooperative or not, talk to some of those people and then come and talk to me. In the meantime SINCE you don't know me from Adam, I am HAPPY to meet you on Wednesday the 10th. Now what time would work for you?

WHEH! I hit the exclamation key really hard when I just typed that...just so you know.

And that is all I have to say about that. I have a little gremlin pulling at my arm making monkey noises and saying words that sound oddly like 'Mommy you are the best most cooperative mommy I could ever want'...if only I had a translator that could speak 18 month old.

Love ya'll,
Sara

This Weekend

2010-01-25T12:14:00.001-07:00

For the last year on the 1st and 15th of every month I have memorized and posted memory versus on Beth Moore's Siesta Memory Verse Challenge.

There were moments where I was really great at doing it...and other moments where I was being a big baby and didn't want to do ANYTHING for ANYONE because I was mad...but that is a different story....and I did catch up so who cares anyway??? SO...this passed weekend about 1/4 of the women that participated went to Houston Texas to indulge in a little Siesta Celebration and hang with the Living Proof team.

We met at the Houston's First Baptist Church, which by the way is not easy to find...as a matter of fact...not much in Houston is easy to find. I found the Galleria...but even that took me forever to find a way IN TO THE DANG PLACE. Whatever...so we met at the church on Friday night and Saturday morning and received an amazing word from Beth. One of the coolest parts was there were only about 500 women there. I think the smallest event we've ever been to would be in Laramie, WY this past year and there were around 2500 women there. In any case, even with the 500 women that were there, we brought the house down with praise and worship lead by none other than Travis Cottrell. It was truly an amazing time. It is so hard for me to put into words the ideas and thoughts Beth's messages provoke in me. I think one of the things, however, that impacted me most was the thought surrounding how our Father directs our path, that His word is a light unto our feet. That a lot of times we depend on light to illuminate everything for us, but a lamp only gives you the light you need. The light we need is our direction and sometimes it's minute by minute, and sometimes the light shows more, but the good thing about the light is...it always shows up in the dark.

We stayed at the Houston Omni hotel, which was A-mazing! We ate A LOT and read our verses A LOT. I was sad though that I didn't get to meet as many of the Siesta's as I would have liked. That left with me with some questions about how whether I'm really outgoing or not...but we can save that for a post for a different day. It will include some heading like 'Which personality am I ... today?'

It was a good weekend. It was a sad weekend. I am so blessed to have gotten to go. I'm so blessed to have a husband who realizes the importance of the Word and what it means to have it imprinted on our hearts. I'm grateful I have a mother that instilled that need for the Word in me and was there right beside me this weekend. I'm also grateful for best friends to walk roads with. The ones that you can be real with, laying down every falsity and facade to expose your heart in it's true state. My bff otherwise knows as our ball of energy Joni lost her mom on Saturday...and the events surrounding the time she passed were truly amazing. Not just what was going on in the room when she went home, but the text Joni received before anyone even knew while we were in Houston, her mothers last words days before and the song we were singing when her mom died...God is good people...that is all i can say...He is so good.

and it comes again...

2010-01-05T23:25:00.000-07:00

I coulnd't write on Saturday. Not because I was overly emotional or because I forgot...only because I didn't know what to say. Will we do this ever year? Will I write to faceless people...some not faceless...the epic of the day...the one that never changes in our hearts? It never loses it's emotion, it's sadness, it's sorrow...it just is. And it will continue...year after year...after year...until He choses to take us home. At that point it won't matter because in my arms that boy will be. And I will hold him till every second my chest ached for him, till every time my arms felt empty, till every time my heart yearned to be back in that hospital room...if just to hold him one more time...till all of that washes away...and then maybe a few hours...days...months more...I will hold him.

I miss him so...oh...I miss him

Santa aside, tree still stands
and all the lights are low
there in a room, far from reality
no one could change the blow
A polished journey, a baby born
and quietly they wept
a sweet little baby, a tiny new body
a death they knew to expect
Unimaginable pain, unmatched agony
the clothes are laid aside
they kiss him lovingly, breath deeply
this is the moment, this is the time
An ounce of hope, a promise made
this can not be the end
A journey polished, that's what is promised
Mercy come now, grace attend
Desperation sings, sorrow lifts
the time is now at hand
The Father arrives, takes the child
his new life now begins...
Hope in deliverance, joy in sorrow
Love that transcends all
Triumph infusing, grace in the using
Not my life, yet his...so small..

Santa

2009-12-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

It is time...after way too many years...here goes:

Dear Santa,

I know you must be surprised. I'm surprised too. You would think after you brought me Pretty In Pink Barbie I would have stayed totally loyal to you. All I can say is I'm sorry. Somewhere between 6 and now (eh hem...no age mentioned here) my Frosty got freezer burnt and my Jolly didn't gel. So before you judge me, let me say I still believe.

Now that we have that out of the way, you should know I have a few requests. I have not been too nice this year, but I think you will overlook my not so nice behavior with the knowledge that I had to clean up a LOT of throw up this year...and it wasn't my own. Nough said. First and foremost, I would like to tell you I'm a bit concerned about the whole Socialized Health Care initiative. I know you don't really have too much political clout, but I'm wondering if you could put the same size dentures under the tree of our fellow congressmen with a tag that says 'One Size Fits All' and that might give them an idea of how hard it will be to put a 'one size fit's all' healthcare plan on the American people. I would also like if you would please sprinkle some fairy dust on our Mr. President (the Tooth Fairy has extra if you don't have any left) and get him to give a tax credit to current home owners that already own cars and are married with children and are US Citizens...I think those of us who have paid our bills and are doing what we're supposed to do would like to share in some of this free wealth :) Just a thought.

Okay...on a more personal note, I don't think I have slept in about 7 years. I would ask you to bring fairy dust for that, but a years supply of Ambien would work just fine. I like to have at least one present to unwrap. I would also really like if you could have a discussion with T-Mobile about my voicemail. It seems we are in disagreement about when voicemails are left and when I actually get them. Since you know I'm the type of gal that likes functional gifts and enjoys the practical side of things, I'd like you to install 'Yes Mommy' buttons on both my children. One seems to have the 'Why' button and the other has a 'no no' button installed instead. While the 'no no' can be cute at times since he only knows a few words, I figure we might as well get a head start on him.

Last but not least, and most importantly, you may have noticed a few 'new' things about me...so here is my final request:

my waistline is missing,
some things started saggin,
the gray is a creeping,
my hips...they ain't shrinkin'
the gyms not an option
it's always too hoppin
with girls and their yoga pants
their cute hair...their implants
i'm feeling like Dopey
add Sleepy and Grouchy
Snow White would be a nice twist
or i might start a hit list
this may seem quite forward
but you've always been aboveboard
please Santa, here's my point
a makeover...a new look of some sort
a lift, a tuck, no wrinkles here
you could easily make this quite a year
i'm not asking too much
i'm not afraid to beg
but come christmas morning
i might lose my head
that about sums it up,
i have nothing left to say,
please santa remember me
come Christmas day

Sincerely,
Sara

It's a sad day...

2009-12-16T08:55:00.001-07:00

There comes a time in every life where things just don't work like they used to. When they slow down, don't operate like they should, or just plain don't want to go...well...it happened in our house today. Here is what happened.

I woke up this morning to the smell of coffee (which is always a bonus). After having a very sick little girl for the last 4 days and my son now picking up where she left off, I was very ready for the coffee my husband very sweetly made. As I poured my cup (in my favorite cup) I noticed it looked slightly weak (sorry honey) so I proceeded to pour a little in the sink and there it was...brown water. So I dumped it out and started over.

**as a side note...if you know anything about the Skorick gene...we don't drink weak coffee. We drink BLACK coffee...amen.**

As I washed the used coffee grounds out of the basket I noticed some of them ...some of them weren't even grounds at all...some of them were still BEANS!. This made me suspicious, apprehensive and very edgy. I immediately pulled my trusted coffee grinder out of the cabinet and sweetly told it that it was the best coffee grinder ever. It was not of noble birth...there was no Cuisinart label on the side of it, no kitchen aide...it wasn't even a Braun! No...ours was a $10 Mr. Coffee grinder, and we were proud of it. It has lived with us, moved with us, been abused by grinding spices...it has been a GOOD grinder for a lot of years...I would say probably 12. In any case...I plugged it in, poured the beans in, put the cap on, and push.......nothing...no loud obnoxious noise, no murmur, no nothing...to my absolute horror it was silent.

As I stood in my kitchen wondering how in the world I was going to get any coffee now, I wasn't even ready to face the prospect of NOT having coffee today. That is another story for a different day that I might not even tell you...but ANYWAY...suddenly a bright light appeared overhead and a whisper came from the cabinet below. It was a soothing whisper of hope and encouragement. As I opened the cabinet door...there it was...the gift my BF gave me for my birthday and it was shiny and beautiful and just waiting to feel the love. I thought surely...this is it...this could be the ticket...the appliance to go where no other appliance had bean before! So I grabbed it, poured my beans in, and VOILA...in a magic moment (that was really really loud) my beans were obliterated and ready to be boiled! YES! Coffee here we come!

So today I wish to say good bye to my old grinder...see ya!

And I wish to applaud our brand new Magic Bullet! Thank you Mr. Bullet for saving my hinny! You will soon be replaced by someone more equipped to do the job....sorry.

And now I will go drink this...

Statistically Speaking...

2009-10-01T19:35:00.001-06:00

· Statistically speaking, we had a 50% chance of our marriage surviving
· Statistically speaking, we added a 50% chance of failure because I was over the age of 25 when we married
· Statistically speaking, we had an 80% chance of failure when we lost Isaac
· Statistically speaking, we had a 90% chance of divorce when we separated
· Statistically speaking, our chance of staying together only improved by 10% when my hubby came home
· Statistically speaking....we were up the creek without a paddle...

I can keep going. I can add in more and more and more statistics based on my human nature, the way I handle things, the way I communicate...all these crazy statistics which can lead to a marital demise.

I want to shout this from the top of a mountain...but I can't climb one right now because I'm home alone with the kids and they are sick and my back hurts...so this platform should work...

Are you ready?

Here it is:

When God is involved...Statistics don't mean jack...

Have a nice day.

PS: We live in a self absorbed nation that shoves freedom of rights and personal prerogative down our throats. If you are being sucked into this belief system then I want to say this to you: Stop it! Just stop it right now! Sometimes...it is NOT ABOUT YOU...I just felt my head get really big, like in that scene from The Incredibles, when Mr. Incredible comes home in the middle of the night and Helen gets mad...are you with me?...[insert cricket noises here] *tap tap* is this thing on? Hello-o?

Anyway...here is what I want to say. We all have a choice. We all have freedom. We can all go out and do whatever we want...WHATEVER...right or wrong...you can do it. What we're too quick to do is believe that right is all about 'ME'. We stop believing God to deliver something big, we throw our backpack of statistics on and get behind the numbers and point at them screaming...'See...SEE...I have the right! The statistics prove I'm right and this is OK!' ... Um...no. You may have the right, you may have the freedom...but that doesn't mean it's OK. What is that scripture...Everything is permissible for me...but not everything beneficial. Everything is permissible for me...but I will not be mastered by anything. (I know where it is, but for homework you can go look it up...I'll give you the first clue...it's somewhere in the Bible)

Don't be mastered by selfishness. Beat the statistic. Don't even listen to the statistic. Be the exception to the rule. Isn't that what we're called to anyway? To be set apart? That is it...oh and one more thing: If God is for me, who can be against me? (That is in the Bible too). Statistics are and always will be proved wrong when God is involved. He has his own statistics...and they always make you a success.

PSS: I hate statistics...

PSSS: Statistically speaking, I'm betting on the 10% chance of our success...which over the years has probably dwindled down to like an eighth of a chance for survival by now...but I'm betting on it. I love my husband. I'm grateful he loves me. I'm elated we are hard at work on our marriage. I'm tickled pink he's coming home tonight from GA. I'm so blessed he's a man of God. And believe it or not I love laughing when he starts his Moto Moto impersonation and tells me I’m huge…LOVE IT… and one more thing: I'm believing God. Amen

3 years and 13 days ago

2009-09-21T12:47:00.003-06:00

September 8th, 2006...I was sitting in the car...the weather was much like it is today...rainy, cold, depressed...it was supposed to be a great day...

...and it was. It was the beginning of an awareness. A journey for new wisdom. An overflow of new knowledge. Many waste away on the journey...all survive...however, few give glory where glory is due. Where many would look at the sadness of the situation, the finality of a life...all I could do was think God is good...even when...and even if. Well, that isn't all that I thought. I thought 'how could this be happening to me?' and that answer hasn't come yet, and it doesn't need to. It did happen. It happened and an unborn baby boy woke me up. With every little kick, he increased an awareness that there is so much more to life. With every ultrasound, I was reminded death is not final. I had a baby boy who was going to prove to be amazing in the Kingdom and I get to be his mommy...forever.

The 8th slipped by me...so I just had to put it out there that the day may have slipped by, but I'll never forget it. The 8th of September is forever marked in my mind...just like the 11th of November, the 1st of August, the 21st of October and 5th of October...there are just some days that change your life forever. The question is...will it change you for the better? It did me.

Mommy misses you Isaac.

Coming Up for Air

2009-09-09T13:54:00.008-06:00

I should admit to you I have been drowning lately, but only because I wanted to. I'm not sure you would say I was being selfish...more protective. For those of you who know me, you know I don't hide much. I don't subscribe to living a life where we aren't transparent. Every one of us deals with junk. We have secrets we hide, nightmares that scare us, relationships that wound us, moments that make us crazy, pasts that still embarrass us, haunt us, torment us...but what is it worth if we can't share our experiences with the person sitting next to us? I've expressed before the thought our experiences not only define us, but they are worth something more than our need to keep them to ourselves. You never know when you're going to meet the one person experiencing the same thing...thinking they are alone in it...wondering if they will survive it...and if you are a survivor, how amazing to share HOPE with them? I guess that's why I'm always wondering, am I allowing myself to be used as a tool for the Kingdom? Or am I pretending to be perfect with all the right answers and all the pretty solutions? None of us fit that picture perfect ideal. I've met people who think they do...and I don't have nice thoughts about them (just a small confession) I'm not saying we should run out and expose every personal detail about ourselves online or the front page of the newspaper...what I'm saying is, we have to believe God is bigger in our situations, bigger than the shame or hurt they can often produce. The feeling we are alone is a lie and it cheats us of being used if we internalize it and never share the story with another person. That's all I'm saying...well that and the rest of what I'm about to write...

I've been reflecting on the summer and I've decided enough of the storm has passed that I can come up for air. I waited this long because I knew if I started sucking down air too early, I would take all the oxygen left in the world and suffocate you and that would not be nice...see how thoughtful I am even in the midst of suffering? :o)

So the reality is this: the winds of languish have been beating down on my life and instead of taking a stand and fighting (like you might assume I would) I decided to hide. I ran away to clear my head...I didn't even lick my wounds, I just ignored them...and they got bigger. I was angry and rebelling...I was mad about a lot of things...but mostly...I was frustrated with God and in that frustration began to listen to the lies the enemy feeds. Hear me when I say, I KNEW I was under attack and I was too tired to fight, so I just kicked back and ignored the so called "advice you'd give to a friend" the "taste of your own medicine" and sailed through the summer trying not to think.

So somewhere between June and September, a reality began to creep in that this person that writes and lives and loves the Lord was failing miserably at being anything close to what He was calling me to be. Somewhere between June and September I heard His beckoning me home and I willfully turned and walked the other direction. Somewhere between June and September I began to justify the hiding and I bought a lie hook, line and sinker. Somewhere between June and September the substance of who I am became tainted with deceit.......

You know what amazes? How quickly these seasons of sin can come on us. But if we have enough courage to be honest with our situation, who we are in it, more importantly who God is calling us to be, the season can just as quickly leave if we are willing to confess and draw near to our Father. I was so terrifyingly on the edge of walking away from everything I know to be true...it scares me how close I was. Our wounds (in and of themselves) are the biggest culprit in leading us down a pathway of sin. We rationalize and then dupe ourselves into thinking we deserve a break from all of 'this'...and now I'm sitting back looking at the last 'June to September' and I'm saying to myself...REALLY? You really believed that? You really lived that? You really did that? and the only answer I have for myself is: yes.

I'm just now coming up for air...but this journey is just beginning.

Somewhere between June and September my heart started to break and I...defeated, tired, resigned...had enough courage to start praying God would deal with me. That He would work His wonder of passion and infuse me with His will, and not my own. I didn't have to wait long. I had to face some hard things and I'm going to face more. The truth of the matter is, none of us are exempt from sin. This person who has written Bible studies, taught God's word at conferences, yearned to be on the ground of a mission field hugging babies and loving orphans...even this servant can fall into the trap left out by the enemy. I am so humbled and grateful that somewhere between June and September, our Father showed me I'm not the ONE person in the world that is exempt from grace. Praise you Father.

So why am exposing myself? Because for whatever purpose, God is calling me to be real and continue my pursuit to a life of authenticity. I don't have to label each transgression of my life for you...I don't need to glorify the sin, but I need to glorify God's work in my life. He is mighty. His ability to change your circumstances is real. There is nothing fake about this walk. There is nothing weak about admitting we have broken lives. There is nothing fabricated about my heart. I want to be real to you. More importantly, I want God to be real to you, and if He is real in me, maybe you will have hope that even in the midst of your circumstances, He can turn your life around in less than a heartbeat.

God is good. Listen to the whisper, don't walk the other way.

Passion

2009-08-26T20:06:00.005-06:00

So I've been thinking about the concept of 'Passion'...I was drying my hair this morning and I realized how easy it is to work on the things we are passionate about. If you like to paint, it brings you inexplicable joy...you paint. If you like to sing, it overwhelms you with emotion, you sing. I have friends that are passionate about cleaning...they don't visit often enough :o) (AMY!) In any case, how easy it is to do thing that you are passionate about?

When was the last time you asked God to show you where He wanted your passions directed? I asked myself a couple questions this morning. One was what am I passionate about? What gives me a strong desire, or outburst of emotion that grabs a hold of my heart and I just have to do that one thing? and...What am I unwilling or afraid of asking God to make me passionate about? What if we were to start asking God to give us passion for the thing we have no desire to be passionate about? What if...what if there is one thing He is calling us to and all we can do is point at it and say 'huh? that...really???'

I guess this is where rubber meets road for most of us. I am called to many things in life, but a lot of those things have been clouded lately...I have stepped outside of my desires to be passionate about much of anything, covered my head with a pillow and turned the iPod up full blast so I could drown out the noise...white noise would have even sounded better. So as I asked myself the question, the response was clear that my very clouded future was where my passion should be directed. Or more likely...passion in His will over my life even though I have no clue what that is. Passion in His plan, even though He hasn't exactly let me on the secret. Passionate about the simple truth that He IS doing something...what is something?

A friend of mine said the other day they were looking through their windshield, the sun was rising, and the window was filthy...you couldn't see a thing...but in looking in the rear view mirror, the view was crystal clear...the thought that surfaced? Life. If all we have is a dirty windshield to look out of for our future and nothing grabs our hearts about it...we better start praying God would make us passionate about dirty windows, messed up futures and maybe ask Him to send some windshield washer fluid. Just His ability to sooth us in our distress and worry about what is to come is sometimes enough of what we need...even if we don't see the view in front of us.

Ecclesiastes 7:14 comes to mind:

When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future.

Nothing about the future looks clear...but I can ask God make me passionate about His plan, His will and the mess in front of me.

Then will I seek His face,
then will He touch me with grace,
When my plan has failed, the train derailed,
the Cross still stands to embrace
In glory I find my riches,
in silence His voice overcomes,
and in that sweet moment of whispers,
This servants heart is undone.
Passionate about living
Each moment in His arms so strong
Giving up on the dream of my own plan
In Gods clasp is where I belong
I find no solace in life’s broken journey
No quiet in places I keep
But in obedience I hope for the future
When at last in His home I will sleep

That Smoker Girl

2009-07-20T00:18:00.007-06:00

I want to tell you a story. I think some of you may be appalled to know I was a very heavy smoker for a very long time...not all of you would be horrified...just some of you...like those of you who have known me for YEARS...who attended church where my father preached and watched a few years of my growing up and can not believe that I...Sara...This Girl...would be the Smoker Girl. But I was. And I want to tell you this story, but if it's going to cause you angst or grief then I suggest you get into a calm state. Go watch Kung Foo Panda and rest in the words of Oogway as he guides Jack Black into the challenge ahead...then come back :0)

Okay...so several years ago (can I say several when it's only been 4?) I was spending plenty of time working through the church women's ministry doing women's ministry things. I was very active, very involved and always looking for the betterment of the women at our church. As a leadership team we decided it would be great to take our 'girls' to see Beth Moore in Kansas City, MO. We started the arduous work of planning a trip...you know...who was going to go in who's car, etc. Being the awesome leadership team that we were, my bff and I thought how cool this trip was going to be for all these ladies. THEY were so in need of a word and we just knew if anyone could deliver a good word, it was Beth. So off we went. We arrived at the conference where we were in back of some 15k women in line to get in to the arena...yes 15,000 and eagerly waited in line with 7 other women...3 of who were very preggo. We sat in the nose bleed section, had a great worship time and eagerly awaited Beth to take center stage. What happened next was a story in and of itself...but let me tell you this: God took center stage, I was (and my bff was) cowering in my seat at the top of the arena attempting to survive and not get killed right then and there. We drove home Sunday afternoon and I wept begging God not to make me go home. He was starting to break me. He was sending me big vibes that He was serious and it was time for me to start listening. I knew He was getting ready to do a mighty work, and this smoker girl was not sure what that looked like, but I knew it wasn't going to be a fun ride at Six Flags.

In our piousness...the bff and I decided it was time to have a fast. We knew she was being called to something bigger in ministry and I was being called to something...AND our husbands were really struggling...and since we were being called to something and they were struggling...we had to help them along....so...we began the plan to fast. The weekend had whipped us and we were going to be ready...and so were our husbands...when He called us to 'Crossing Our River of Fear' (this was the message for the weekend). So we scheduled time, made sure it was going to be productive, got our scriptures ready and equipped ourselves for a very successful 24 hour fast. The women's ministry girl that I was took center stage and quietly and humbly, I must say, told the bff that the Smoker Girl would not get a cigarette during that 24 hours. Understanding the rules about the fast and knowing how much I was grieving God I was sure that I could abstain from smoking for 24 hours. YES...it would be a hard road...but I could do it.

Let me once again interject here because I know some of you are thinking you know where I'm going with this...and no this is not a message about how you can't smoke and be in ministry...I promise...but if you are getting apprehensive and exasperated please refer to the first paragraph again (scadoosh)

Okay...back to the story. So my awesome mom and I were hangin out and I asked her one day about 2 weeks before the BIG fast if she thought a 24 hour fast was worth it. I had been feeling pressed to do a longer fast, but wasn't sure. So she answered that unless I was going to be completely alone and have time to focus, that a 24 fast would not be AS affective. Now keep in mind here...I was fasting for my husband...and I knew God could do something big if I would give it the time...BUT I had to consult my bff first. Later that evening I got a call from her and without knowing the whole conversation I had had with my mom she announced she really felt led to a longer fast. I told her about my conversation with mom and we laughed...how cool...God was really working...speaking to us...this was really really going to help our husbands. So SEVEN DAYS it was...count um! SEVEN DAYS TO FAST.

November 1st 2005 rolled around. Today was the first day of the fast. I was on fire, reading my scriptures, drinking only water, surrounding myself with worship music...I was doing well.

November 2nd 2005 rolled into view. That morning in the shower I was washing my hair when it dawned on me...the quiet humble promise I had made...and the ministry girl was gone and smoker girl was CENTER stage. I couldn't believe it. I had been TRICKED! Here I was, humble, doing everything I was supposed to be doing in this fast and it was all for the advancement of the Kingdom, the enrichment of the ministry, and most importantly the growth of my husband...this was NOT about ME! I was appalled, angry, bewildered...I stood in my kitchen hours later still struggling with the task at hand and raised my hands to heaven and yelled 'THIS IS NOT FUNNY....YOU DIDN'T EVEN LET ME HAVE MY LAST CIGARETTE'...for those of you who smoked at one point in time...you know how important the LAST cigarette is...don't pretend like you don't....I just knew He was laughing. It was a joke...He outwitted me once again!

The seriousness of this? For years I had been fighting. I didn't want to smoke. Smoker Girl liked it...don't get me wrong...Smoker Girl like it a LOT...but me...Sara...hated it. I woke up every morning and fought the urge to get out the door to the patio where that demon smoke awaited me. I would hit snooze on my alarm...just to push myself to where I had only just enough time to get out the door...I would sit with my cup of coffee and beg God to take away the addiction...and I would list all the ways I didn't want Him to take it away. Things like: please don't let me have cancer, please don't let me blow up my car while I'm smoking and driving and kill me while you kill the addiction, please don't take it away like 'this' and please don't take it away like 'that'. I was desperate to be done...but I had no strength to do it on my own. It got in the way of just about everything and I hated it. I began to work through the week with one verse in had that I said over and over...because now it wasn't about fasting for my husband, now it wasn't about figuring out my future...where God wanted me...now it was all about making it through the next urge to pick up a pack because I had made a promise I would not smoke while I was fasting...never in my wildest dreams thinking I would commit to not smoking for more than 24 hours...but here I was. 1 Corinthians 6:12 became the verse I would say over and over and over: Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything.

It has been almost 4 years. I'm terrified to touch another cigarette...I think about it...Smoker Girl comes around here and there and she makes life hard (she has other issues that have nothing to do with smoking) but God did a big work in me. He took something away I asked Him to take away. I will not go back. That is a river of fear that should be feared...and not crossed.

I tell you all this so that you will know and see the power of His healing hand. It hurts sometimes to be healed of addiction. He breaks us, bends us, molds us...heals us. There are much worse addictions out there. Our world is seeped in sinful enslavement of the quick fix. Whether it's alcohol, viccodin, heroin, smoking, pornography...it's so readily available. So easy to come by...and it's the demon that waits for us every day....but we are under the Mighty Hand of a God who cares about our addictions. He wants us to be freed up from the slavery and bondage that this world holds over us. We are set apart.

If you are struggling...know that God is bigger...know that He is able...and the next time someone tells you that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle...think about this: If He didn't give you things you couldn't handle...when would you ever turn back to Him for help?

Be specific in your prayer. Give Him your best request, define it, make it specific...and then don't be surprised when you feel like you need to fast....

2009-07-19T08:30:00.002-06:00

Ever have that feeling like you just DON'T want to go to church? Not because you want to sleep in. Not because it's a hassle getting the whole family out of the house. Not because you have company coming over and you have too much to do. Only because you know you're going to get knocked upside the head with a word that will just leave you almost dead in the pew...

...let me interject here and tell you if you are attending a church where this never happens...you are either doing REALLY well...or you should find a different church

Anyway...that is how I feel this morning. I keep sitting here thinking...'I haven't even gotten to fixing the things we talked about 7 Sundays ago...' Good news though...I take notes every Sunday so I won't forget. C. S. Lewis wrote: If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.

I will be in church this morning seeking truth because I know at some point in time, in this very broken life, I would love to have comfort. I encourage you to be there too. Not because it's the social event of the week. Not because it's just what we do. Only because it builds on discovering a life you could never imagine was possible.

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Heb 10:25

My Name is Sara Pipkin...

2009-07-14T20:22:00.004-06:00

What was the point of Christ being sacrificed on the cross for our sins if none of us can admit we are sinners? (I just had Emeril yell BAM in the background of my mind)

Don't we all just get tired of living, breathing, walking...talking...convincing...pretending.

I have been on a very deep journey lately and tonight I'm weary. I'm grateful for grace, but it's pointless if I can't say this:

My name is Sara Pipkin and I'm a sinner.

If in the end if ALL I have is a voice to say the above statement and nothing left but the grace of our Father and the miracle of His forgiveness...then I have all I need.

Grace & Trust

2009-07-09T12:18:00.006-06:00

There are times when we stand still in our lives and take inventory. We start to really look at who we have become, what we have done, what we haven't done...we don't marginalize anything...we just look at the truth of the matter that has become our life. We stand in a gaping hole and wonder 'what in the world got me here?' We find ourselves lost and sometimes...in the worst of circumstances...not wanting to be found.

There is a point in life where we are supposed to grow up. We have to put aside the old and move forward with the new. We have to hang up our hang-ups, accept grace, and move onto the path God is forging for us. We have to realize that while it is important to speak truth to others as He leads us...it is even more imperative we speak truth to ourselves.

I think the thing that startles us most is when we are certain we have it all figured out, and then a wrench gets tossed into the plans, into our know it all, pumped up, self absorbed lives, and it throws us totally off track. We find ourselves, arms flailing, trying to find the light switch, while the world around us just grows darker and darker. We cry out to Yahweh in anger and beg Him to explain why and how we ended up in these dire straights. We overwhelm ourselves with ourselves and before we know it, the path is obscured, our life as we know it is over and all we have left is a very faint connection with the Creator and static on the line.

Then a miracle begins to happen if we hold still. As we wait for a better connection and listen, He begins to sing over us. He whispers words of truth and begins to fill the darkness of our heart with light. He gently sweeps away the brush to reveal the path and reminds us the road might be hard...but at least the path is open...and there grace abounds. For it is by grace He saves us (Eph 2:8) and lifts us out of the ashes (Ps 113:7) all the while promising His purpose beyond the pain is worthwhile and very necessary (2 Cor 5:4-6).

At some point in time we have to stand up and TRUST that His grace is sufficient, that He has a plan AND if He could handle creating the Universe, the food we eat, the water we drink and the ground we stand on, handling our future is NOT the one insurmountable task He can't accomplish.

I believe in the plan God has for me. I believe He will bring it to completion the easy way or the hard way (my way) and that what He has planned for me will be the best plan. I don't know what it looks like, but I'm holding on for the ride and hopefully I'll be able to let go and do it His way...not my way.

Supporting Jonah

2009-06-02T13:08:00.002-06:00

You may have noticed the ad in my right panel that says "Praying for Jonah"

I want to encourage you to pray for this family. Jonah...this little bundle of sweetness has Epidermolysis bullosa (EB). It is a rare genetic disease characterized by the presence of extremely fragile skin and recurrent blister formation, resulting from minor mechanical friction or trauma.

This family is doing EVERYTHING it can to keep Jonah comfortable, happy and progressing. I invite you to click on the link. find out more about him and pray for this family. It's an amazing story and definitely helps put our own daily hustle and bustle of life into perspective.

love you all...

Missing a boy...

2009-05-06T22:16:00.004-06:00

You know sometimes when I'm blog hopping, which I do frequently, I get stopped on a blog and begin to wonder why I'm not one of those bloggers.

I mean I started this blog with the intention of chronicling my journey with Isaac...it seems like I don't type or say that name enough. It seems like I am so busy with everything else the name Isaac is muffled and moved to the top shelf, waiting to be dusted off. I can not imagine that there has been a day that I have forgotten that I am not only The Bugs mom, Biscuits mom...but Isaac's mommy as well...but I think there have been those days. So I blog hop, and I read beautiful stories of how lives have been shaped, transformed, redeemed all at the feet of the Master when a child has been laid there...and I feel like I've missed out. In all reality though, I haven't. I have been shaped, transformed, redeemed and it has all been at the Masters feet, FOR the sake of the Master and most of it happened one day when I laid my boy there.

Don't think for second I don't miss him. Don't think for a second that now because Biscuits is here that we don't still feel like a family of 5. Don't think for one moment that I have forgotten I carried 3 babies in this body...I hate every minute of knowing I don't have him here growing with us. Living with us...playing. That does not mean I don't know I'm still blessed that he is with our Father. It doesn't mean I'm angry or that all of a sudden I'm changing my tune. It just really means I miss him...and I had to say that.

As I sit here writing, tears spilling down my face, what I want you to know is I miss Isaac Matthew and no one will ever take his place.

Seven Pounds

2009-04-23T22:01:00.000-06:00

Seven Pounds – Not for the faint of heart (no pun intended) – don’t read if you haven’t seen the movie and are going to…

I just finished watching Seven Pounds. As is customary for me, I figured the plot out in about 15 minutes. That usually annoys me, however in this case I think it was good for me to know what was to come. This is a hard movie to watch. I had heard mixed reviews on it, but wanted still to see it for myself.

I’m trying to press the feelings out of me this movie has conjured up. It’s like that scene in Harry Potter where he has to find the right key to open the door and there are tons of them floating in the room and he’s looking and looking but so overwhelmed by all the keys at once. That is how I feel. So many emotions, but I can’t grab the right one to explain.

This is a heavy plot, this is a plot laced with hopelessness and sadness and you feel it from the get go. This is a plot I believe many of us in so many ways can relate to because it is a story about the quest for redemption. If you have ever been as messed up and lost as I have been then you can relate to the unmanageable desire to really feel forgiven, redeemed…free. I think in so many ways, even though we know we have grace, the reality is most of us have to beg to feel it over and over. Our humanness picks up our past sins and time and time again we try with all our might to obliterate it from cognizance, but as hard as we try, the mess is still committed to memory. Along with the mess, the emotion of it can cast a shadow over you as if you were experiencing the offense all over again. So we pick it up…and set out to break free from it. We try with all our might to gain some control over it, always aware we can never really forgive ourselves. So what is the point?

There are times when I feel so defeated by my past sins that it gets me running again, seeking breathlessly for deliverance. But all in all I know redemption is not mine to give…and never to be earned. What bothers me about this movie is Will’s hopeless end. He pieces out himself to either save other peoples lives, or make them better and in the end he’s dead. He has no idea if what he did was helpful, or even to be around to feel the redemption. So is it that we need to feel it or that we need to punish ourselves for passed crimes? My point is there is no longer any sacrifice for sin (Heb 10:18) so why are we constantly trying to redeem ourselves. Will Smith has suffered major tragedy and has set out to make it right, to redeem himself, to fix it. The problem is no matter how hard we try to fix things by earning our redemption we won’t succeed. Micah 7:18 says ‘Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.’

There is only one way to gain redemption. There is only one way to receive grace. There is only one way to truly recognize forgiveness and that is at the foot of the cross. We might live our entire lives returning to His feet begging for him to take the feelings of hopelessness away, but the fact is we are returning. It’s when we stop seeking His face to save us that we fall short. Smith never realizes the redemption in this movie for by the end, he’s not around to even know it…what redemption is there in that?

What I know is this: There is suffering. There is suffering in Christ, but there is hope in Christ, and best of all…there IS redemption.

The Adequacy of My Inadequacy

2009-03-13T08:38:00.004-06:00

A couple weeks the bug had climbed into the crib with biscuits and was pretending the monitor was a phone…a phone to which I was on the other end of, but she didn’t know it. As is normal for her, she started preaching. What can I say? It's in her blood. So I grabbed my blackberry and started recording and I laughed and laughed. At one point she started saying this ‘Okay, well I have to go now and be with my brother so I love you…love Hallie and Asher … heart heart heart – just like she was making me a picture, she was verbalizing what she would put down – and then she said H A L L I E and A A A SHH … A A A SHHH RRRR heart heart heart” I was rolling!

I didn’t want her to know I had recorded her so later that night when she was getting ready for bed I put the headphones in and handed my husband the phone and he proceeded to listen as I busied myself around our room. I thought it was really odd that he wasn’t laughing because her little talk was full of humor! So I smiled at him, he smiled at me and I put some more laundry away and kept my eye on him. ‘Why isn’t he laughing? Maybe I thought it was funny…but it really wasn't funny because he just had this ‘I’m floating into outer space’ look and THEN I started REALLY thinking and analyzing… there were two voice notes on my phone: one of Hallie and one of me. One of me driving with the kids asleep recording my thoughts and what I thought I needed to remember and what I believed God was telling me…TWO voice notes…one funny…one me…and one hubby not laughing…

Doesn’t take much to figure that one out does it?

I grabbed the phone and said ‘wait a second…what are you listening to?’

And he said ‘You’…

UGH…

To which I responded… ‘well that is not what I wanted you to listen to’ and I switched the recording handed him the phone moved away as fast as I could. My face flaming red guessing all the horrible things he must be thinking of me. How lame I sounded, how silly.

A little while later this is the conversation we had:

“So, is that a recording of what you are speaking on?”

I say “UM…well…sort of…I just needed to get my thoughts out”

"Can I make a suggestion?” He asks

And this is me blank stare and finally: ‘Um, ok…sure’

"You need to stop saying Um so much”.

To which I responded: “Well…you know…I was just trying to put my thoughts out there and work through them” (I WAS MORTIFIED!) "Besides, I'm not a professional speaker so it's a little hard fro me not to just speak how I speak and be who I am."

"I know, it is just a suggestion, when you are practicing, just be aware of it." Then he asks "What are you speaking on again?"

"Being inadequate!"

Which is completely true. I have had a LOT of time to think about how inadequate I am. I have come up with a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t be writing OR be speaking, but for some reason I still am. So in this journey of searching for some inadequate people in the Bible I decided I was going to stay away from the immediate one that popped into my mind…#1 was David – I thought I could share the story of David and Goliath and then…eh…nah…so then I told God one morning “I am so inadequate I can’t even come up with something to say about being inadequate” and He said a few things to me: #1 was you can get up in a room full of women and speak about lactating (this is just something I have become very familiar with…and not because I do it well...and not something I will go into here, however I actually spoke to a room full of women about why I don’t do it well…go figure), anyway He says “you can speak to a room full of women about lactating, but you can’t take 15 minutes to talk to your sisters in Christ about me…what is that about?” To which I thought ‘this could end up badly if I don’t pull it together’. So we talked that morning a lot about the things I personally am inadequate with. I laid my insecurities at His feet and almost like a spoiled child pointed at them and said "Look! Why in the world would you have me air all this to these sweet women?" but that was not what He was going to have me put down on paper to communicate to you about. You see there are times when I believe He lets us fall flat on our face to help us learn. I think we are stubborn a lot of the time and we need to be tripped up a little, but I also believe that He does not shame us. This whole thing...is not about me, this is not about MY inadequacy…this is about Him. This right here is about His adequacy…so He is going to teach this segment…not me.

Lets have a history lesson:

During the time of Christ (and this is still practiced today) Children began their study at age 4-5 in Beth Sefer (elementary school). The teaching focused primarily on the Torah. For those of you who aren't familiar, the Torah is first 5 books of the Bible. During this time, the children would learn to read and write, and their study guide was the Torah. Not only was reading and writing part of their education, memorization was huge and most students had the Torah memorized by the time they finished this level of education.

The best students continued their study (while learning a trade) in Beth Midrash (secondary school) also taught by a rabbi of the community. They continued their education by beginning to learn the interpretations of the Oral Torah. Memorization continued to be important because most people did not have their own copy of the Scripture so they either had to know it by heart or go to the synagogue to consult the village scroll. A few (very few) of the most outstanding Beth Midrash students began interview processes to study with a famous rabbi often leaving home to travel with him. These students were called talmidim in Hebrew, which is translated disciple. Traditionally, the student would apply, go thru a grueling interview process and then if they were lucky 2 or 3 would be asked to follow the Rabbi. There is much more to a talmid than what we call student. A student wants to know what the teacher knows for the grade, to complete the class or the degree or even out of respect for the teacher. A talmid wants to be like the teacher, that is to become what the teacher is. The student would follow the rabbi to a degree that we would probably view as a definite violation of personal space. The goal was for the student to become the master. From the way the Rabbi walked, to hand gestures, to the way he ate...the student was set on becoming exactly...not just...exactly like his teacher. If at the end of the interview process the student was not chosen, the Rabbi would essentially tell that student, you know you are great, go home, get a wife, make babies and work your family business.

Visualize this with me: Here we have two young men who are working the family trade. Two young men who worked as hard as they could, they memorized and labored over their study to become smart enough and worthy enough for a rabbi to accept them into his talmidim. Two young men who have been turned away. Two young men who have failed to accomplish what every father hoped for their son to become. Its hot and they are both quiet, still reflecting on the 'what could have been'. There is not a lot to catch today. The inadequacy of not being chosen hangs like a cloud over Peter's head as he recounts the way he was turned away, and now here is again...a failure...he can't even catch any fish. From the distance a noise shakes him out of his solemn trance. As the crowd comes closer he sees the man everyone has been talking about. A Rabbi of a different kind. People were saying all sorts of things about him. He was one of the smartest seen out of the walls of Galilee and he was challenging the very foundation of what Peter had been taught. Oh he had heard alright, and now he was here to add the icing on the cake of his day. Is He coming closer to the shore? He's talking to me! What is he saying:

"Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch." Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets." When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon's partners. Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men." So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him." (Luke 5:4-11)

Point # 1 is this: As inadequate as we are, Christ is seeking us to join his Telmidim. There is no interview process, there is no proving you are worthy, there is just a call: Come, follow me. Can you imagine the heart of Peter's dad the day his son does not return home. Word reaches him and he finds out his son has been chosen. What? Chosen? Finally!? How can it be? But he wasn't good enough right?

Are you feeling inadequate?

So here you are in ministry. I have to tell you I never thought I would be here. I’ve had plans all along for my life that God keeps interrupting with His own and I you have to know something: I am so grateful His plans take precedence. I don’t believe if I knew exactly what I was doing all the time, if I was an expert on everything, God would be able to use me much. So if you blunder all over the place like I do, take heart, God is the thing that completes us. This is where we have the Jerry McGuire moment and instead of hearing Tom Cruise say ‘You complete me’ God is saying ‘I complete you’ and I have to believe that sends goose bumps down your spine. To know the Creator of the Universe has something going on in you. He gets we don’t have it all together, He understands we are completely inadequate and He knows it’s in our inadequacy He does his best work. Out of something these men weren’t able to accomplish in getting accepted to telmadin, Christ bore something bigger and called them disciple.

My 2nd point today is don’t get caught in the whining. It is a privilege for me to serve you and I’m sure our Passionate Heart team can tell you I whine about being too inadequate to speak. I keep saying, I think I’m too young…who would want to listen to me? This is where God’s sense of humor get’s good. I got up one morning and I was telling Him, you know you let Moses use Aaron…why can’t I have an Aaron…to which God replied ‘you should familiarize yourself with that story a little more’. So I sat down at about 5:30 and started reading the story of Moses and I could not believe how much the man whined…He didn’t want to go meet Pharaoh, he was always worried about what the people would say back to him and what he would say…and then there it was…plain as day ‘24 At a lodging place on the way, the LORD met {Moses} and was about to kill him.' EEEK! Now there was a reason behind this, but really what I believe is God had had enough. NOW…don’t get me wrong I’m not saying if you start to whine about where He calls you that He’s going to show up to kill you…but I do believe that our whining gets in the way of doing. If we believe we are here for His purpose and we fill our time up with constant inward reflection about what we are being called to do, we will quickly become selfish and there is no place for God to work in that.

1 Corinthians 2:2 For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. 4My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, 5so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

Jesus is still calling his Telmudine…and just like the first disciples, we are inadequately qualified. We will never be able to measure up to the standards of perfection and what an amazing gift that is that we have a God that loves us enough to use us right where we are at and still calls us to be a part of something bigger.

2009-02-24T09:31:00.004-07:00

There are just some days where I just can't dang do it! I open up my laptop, log on to my favorite blogs and from there I start my 'Blog Jog' as I like to call it where I go from blog to blog seeing pictures and reading stories about other people.

Today...I kept landing on pages where babies...SWEET and precious babies are sick, or premie in the hospital...words of pain and anguish...scriptures...updates...ugh...and then I think...there are just some days when I can't dang do this...

Biscuits has his first fever so he slept next to me all night...hot and uncomfortable...and then he woke up at 5am to nurse and he looked at me through sickly little eyes and what did he do? SMILED...man I love this boy.

I don't have a scripture for myself this morning...all I know to say to myself is God is who He says He is, God can do what He says He can do, I am who God says I am, I can do all things through Christ, and God's word is alive and active in me.

So on days when Isaac is big on the brain, heavier on the heart...I don't want to rush to hold Asher to take that feeling away...Asher is Asher...I still miss my Isaac.

Headed to the doc with the boy. Love you all...all three of you that follow my blog :)

S

A Hallie Conversation

2009-02-21T22:30:00.006-07:00

I should keep better track of these! This is from this morning.

I woke Hallie up bright and early this Saturday morning as I had signed her up for a 'Drama Boot Camp' hosted by the Front Range Christian Middle School kiddos. I sat down on her bed, shut her fan off and as she rolled over I said "are you ready for boot camp?". To which she excitedly jumped out of bed and grabbed the clothes I had put out for her.

"Hallie, get those on and brush your teeth when you are done."
"Mom, can I come in your room if I need help?"
"Of course you can baby" I said and hastily moved to my own room to get ready to leave. It was already 7:20 and we had to get on the road.

Hallie snuck in to my room and as I buttoned her jeans I reminded her she needed shoes. She considered this for a few moments then said "Mom, can I wear my black boots?" I thought about it, but since they have a little heal on them I though they may be dangerous for her to be running around in and said "I think you need to find your tennies and get those on."

She looked at the floor for a few minutes and then whispered (as Biscuits and The Man were still sleeping) "But don't I need boots?"
"What?"
"Don't I need boots?" she said "since it's a boot camp" I laughed and smiled at her and explained it's not that kind of boot camp.

The she asked "Well what are we going to do?"
"I think you are going to learn some songs, dress up and you may even learn a dance or two"
"A cowboy dance?!" she exclaimed excitedly
"Well" I said carefully trying my darnedest not to laugh "Maybe...yea maybe"
"That would be so cool mom, a cowboy dance just like they do in Highlands Ranch" and off she ran to brush her teeth.

I love her...she is so Innocent, all over the place and mine. Doesn't get much better.

PS: Highlands Ranch is a suburb of Denver just South and West of us.

PSS:
Tonight was the surprise party for my best friend Joni. What a flippin blast. She had no clue and I had her convinced I was so sick I couldn't come to her birthday dinner. Here is a picture of her cake:

The girl (Joni) is trying to get back over the hill to her youth...ain't gonna happen sister :)

February 10th...

2009-02-10T21:16:00.004-07:00

Okay! Tucker is home. We've had an eventful day and needless to say I am READY for some good sleep...if only I could sleep in tomorrow! I prayed out loud on our way home with Tuc that it would snow so hard I wouldn't have to go to Brighton tomorrow for a loan application and Jason said 'you just prayed for something that will make me have to shovel snow all morning before I go to work!'...sorry honey!

SO! Thanks to a gift card to Macaroni Grill Jason and I were able to indulge ourselves in a little anniversary dinner! Today was our eighth wedding anniversary.

We had a good time just chatting and being alone for a little while tonight before we went to pick up the doggie who was released from the doggie hospital this evening with a HUGE list of instructions! One of the instructions was he is not to drink a lot of water...well...that is just about nuts for this guy! They told us to put a bowl of ice cubes out and let him lick them...I was just thinking 'are you kidding me?' He loves his water! So baby tuc tuc has water restrictions, eating restrictions, pills to take, sleeping to happen, etc. Whatever the case may be, I am happy my boy is home and I think he is too...

I appreciate all your prayers, kind words and good vibes! Have a fantastic week. God bless ya!

Pounds and Prayer

2008-12-19T20:53:00.006-07:00

Here's the deal. I don't like January 1st. Not for the reason you may think. January 2nd does mark the 2 year anniversary of Isaac's death...but I'm not going there right now.

So I've never been one for New Years resolutions. I think if you want to change something you should do it when you think about it instead of waiting for the New Year. I don't think that when God said in Jeremiah 'for I know the plans I have for you' He meant...I have a plan for you so when January 1st rolls around...you need to get on it! I believe that when a change comes about in your heart, mind, spirit...whatever the case may be...it's a challenge to get to the next thing. Sometimes the next thing is difficult, sometimes...not so much.

Where am I going with this? Well, as I said I'm not much for the whole resolution thing, but this year...I'm half doing it my way and half doing it the worlds way. I need to lose weight...that's a given right after having had a baby...need to get in shape... yada yada yada...but since the holidays are here and I seem to be lacking some self control at the moment...I will keep eating and enjoying every bite until January 1st rolls around...then it is focus on the POUNDS...or lack there of hopefully. The here and change it now thing? Prayer. I am going to confess to you that in September when all the TV shows were premiering on TV I decided I wanted to watch Greys Anatomy again. So one night after one of the shows...I was sitting on my bed thinking 'I think I need to fast, but I can't because I'm nursing...so where does that leave me' and then I hear this: 'well...you could stop watching junk like Greys Anatomy' EEK! Okay it's settled. I not only won't watch Grey's Anatomy...I won't watch TV. A HERE AND NOW resolution. Here is the confession part - instead of filling my NON TV time up with our Father...I filled up with OTHER not so TVish things that had nothing to do with Him. I know the point of fasting...but I failed miserably at fasting from TV and being with Him.

So here we go...another Here and Now resolution (feel free to steal that term and use it for yourself) I need time with my Father and I need to do it when all the shows are raging on TV. I need to chat with Him, tell Him how miserably I failed at believing Him (again), I need to tell him about those of you who have precious hearts that are breaking, I need to sit in quiet and listen for His voice and I need to do it NOW!

There are a lot of you out there that are formulating your resolutions. You are deciding what that goal looks like, how you will achieve it, and by all means we don't even have to ask when it will start. Here is my question to you: Is the goal you are making a goal benefiting your walk with our Father? If the answer to that is yes...then you have a Here and Now Resolution and you can start right now...YES right now...start it NOW! READ MY LIPS: N O W

The Spirit is talking and you don't know if you are going to even have a new year to start the thing...so if you are going to change something...do it now and stop ignoring the Father when He calls you to a greater challenge. The probability that you will achieve this over all the resolutions you are holding out to start on New Years day is pretty big.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I am already working on my Here and Now Resolution of Prayer...and by the time January 1st rolls around and I start working on the Pounds part...maybe I'll have the Prayer thing down...then I can have Pounds and Prayer...who knows...we may start a revolution with it!

Trusting God With Our Nation

2008-10-30T07:37:00.002-06:00

Over the last year the political tension has been building in these United States. You turn your radio on, it's on every station. You answer your phone and the local representatives are begging for your vote. We all know what the TV ads look like...who even wants to turn the TV on these days?

In my life time, I have not seen this much hoopla over an election. Each candidate is fighting for issues, slamming each other, and neither one are willing to admit their own failings. Instead its point their finger at each other and shame, shame, shame on you. The threat to national security, sanctity of marriage and the plight to save the unborn life is all paramount and weighs so heavy on our hearts. The choice for president has turned into an emotional decision. To be truthful, I have likes and dislikes about both candidates. But to even be more truthful, my dislikes outweigh the likes.

The question I have been asking myself these last few months is this: Is there a possibility that no matter who wins this election, God’s man will be our president? I think the answer to that (in my mind) is a resounding ‘Yes’. I could write a dissertation on the men used in the Bible who were not Godly saints…just so God could change a nation…but I don’t have time. I’m not saying we have no voice…and I’m not saying just because ‘God’s will be done’ it negates our responsibility to do what is right. What I’m saying is when did we decide God was not in control anymore?

There seems to be this out of control move to get people voting, because we are panicked that one or the other is going flush our country down the toilet. I’ve got news for you: We’ve been spinning in the bowl for a long time! This nation as a whole lost its perspective a LONG time ago. We no longer believe in ‘One nation under God’, let alone trusting Him that no matter what we decide, His will is going to be done and…AND…that it is what is best for us and for His kingdom. Here is my example on this (and yes a bit of a pro-life slant, but I believe I can speak on this one from experience):

I was asked several times in one day to have an abortion. I had a nurse look me in the eyes and tell me I was going to have a boy, ten fingers, ten toes, eyes, nose and mouth…and THEN ask me to terminate my pregnancy.

I have to interject this real quick…I believe abortion is murder and it if flat out wrong no matter what the circumstances….I do not however believe it ends a life. I believe if you are a woman who is agonizing over your decision to have an abortion, there is grace for you and there is hope. We can make horribly wrong decision in life, changing the course of our own forever, but your baby…lives. If we believe in eternal life, Heaven or hell, we know that there is no end. So if you are reading this and you are struggling, please know God is such a good and gracious God, He is not only willing to forgive you, but He’s also got your little one safe! It has taken me a long time to come to terms with women who abort, especially ones with babies that have a Trisomy disorder, but I want you to know that with all my heart I love you and I am praying for you.

Most of you know my story, but a piece you do not know is I had another condition that threatened my life if I carried to term and delivered. I knew without a shadow of doubt God was going to do what was necessary to protect me, even if that meant I would be delivered into His arms at the same time Isaac was. Was I scared? Yes. Did that sway me? NO. Why? Because I trust God and I know no matter what the outcome: He is in control. My other point is you may make all the right choices, but the outcome may not be what you want. I know I made the right choice to carry my son and deliver him, but in my heart I ache for him. I miss him so much and am holding tight to the day that dawns when I get to grab him and hug him and mother him like nobody’s business!

When I was pregnant with Isaac and getting ready to deliver him at 39 weeks, hoping and praying we would get to hold his BREATHING body for just a little while, it wasn’t about whether or not I had the right choice to not have an abortion, it wasn’t about whether I had made the wrong choice endangering my life, it was all about whether or not I had chosen to trust God and believed He was still in control NO MATTER THE OUTCOME.

So I beg the question do you trust Him that no matter what vote you cast He has it under control? I’m not choosing a savior for America with my vote…I already have one for my life. That is all that matters…and HE is still in control.

My prediction on who wins the election? God does. Whether it’s Obama or McCain, the battle belongs to our God…and we have already won.

I am the mother of Isaac...

2008-10-15T10:02:00.007-06:00

A sweet friend directed me to a site last night that reminded me today is National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. On one hand I hated remembering and on the other I knew that it was a necessary reminder.

There is nothing that grounds you in reality more than the loss of a friend, parent, sibling or worse a child. The reality however does not always have to drop you into a depressive state. We all know it's horrible to lose someone, but I would hope you know this world is not our end. So it's time for me to tell the story again. I believe part of the ongoing grieving process of losing someone is to retell the story and realize the blessing in it. Here is my story:

On September 8th 2006 I sat anxiously awaiting the result of my 19 week ultra sound. For the event, my husband sat at my side and my mother and father stood watching the ultra sound tech scan my belly. With great excitement, we waited to hear the words "this is definitely a boy". Those words were perfect...and then preceded by sentences like "this looks normal" and "that is on track". As her words permeated the air, our perfect moment was covered with false assurance, and my heart began to sink. Why would she have the need to point out what was RIGHT? Slowly, she reached up, shut the machine off, turned to my mom and dad and said: "Why don't you go to the waiting room for a bit while I talk to mom and dad here." The world was crashing and the bed I was sitting on was the only thing holding me up. Everything in that instant seemed wrong. The color of the paint on the walls, the bed was cold, my hands ceased to work and my eyes could no longer see. The next words we heard were slow, precise and definite: "I believe your baby has Trisomy 18...." and then the long explanation of what that meant to two people who had never even been aware of the term. The short of it? Our baby was not going to live. We drove to a specialist within minutes where the #2 Doctor in the world for ultra sound technology confirmed the diagnosis. We were asked 4 times that day to terminate. We responded 4 times that day there would, under no circumstances be a time we would be responsible for ending this life. If God's will was to take our son, we would let Him do it on His terms, not ours.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and a name was bestowed on our son: Isaac Matthew Pipkin. He continued to thrive and live in me. The hardest part of the process was knowing as long as he was inside me, he was safe. However we grounded ourselves in the reality there would be a time when he HAD to come out. He had to meet his fate and journey on to the next thing God had planned for him. We had to meet our fate and journey on to the next thing God had planned for us. We lived day by day in the trenches with God. We begged for Him to ease our pain, we cried in His arms and spent many nights reading the words in Isaiah "our God is an everlasting God..." this was not the end...

On January 2nd at 39 weeks gestation, Isaac met the pain of the world and never drew a breath. You may read this and think 'how horrible' but here is where it gets good. God spared us and our son in more ways than one. When Isaac's heart stopped beating minutes before he was born I was spared the torment of holding him, watching his every move, listening to his every breath...wondering if that was the last one. I held him in my arms, examining every toe, every fingernail...he was a perfect 3lb baby. He was beautiful and he will ALWAYS be my first son. I held him in my arms while God held me in his.

I believe Isaac still lives, this is not the cliche "he will always live in my heart", his life is real and he is thriving. God has a plan for Isaac and it's a plan that can not be understood in human terms. I believe that about all our babies lost before they get to have life here on earth. We lose them in our understanding, but we gain them for eternity. Our world is so temporary. If a God could create THIS for us, I can't imagine what he has in store for us in our future life. I have said it a million times and I will continue to say it, I am blessed above mothers...my son was chosen by God before he had to make the decision to chose God. We raise our babies into adults and agonize over whether they will make that choice. The right choice.

God never promised life was going to be a blast of fun. What I can tell you is when you hit the bottom of desperation and He picks you up to hold you close, the peace that is promised to us, THAT peace is real. There is joy in pain. There is blessing in trouble. There is calm in the storm. God is good even when....and even if....

God is real, He chose Isaac and He is holding out for you...

searching...

2008-05-31T08:38:00.004-06:00

With a heavy heart I began searching this morning for a blog or a devotional where I could pour my self into the words and walk away feeling less discouraged. As my eyes searched, my heart began to whisper to me that sometimes finding the 'get up and go' or 'blessing of the day' was a lot like confiding my innermost secrets to the wrong person. Rarely do I read a great blog, filled with scripture and spiritual essence that I make room at the Masters feet to share with Him a conversation of what I read.

So this morning, over coffee, convicted and ever increasing my way towards depression I had a talk with Him and was delicately reminded that reading a book or finding blogs to fill my daily bread was about as good as going to church every Sunday and never doing anything with it.

He has to be first and foremost.

That being said...close the window...and find a place to meet Him. He has some things He wants to say.

The Doctor

2008-05-19T22:14:00.007-06:00

I sat in the surgical waiting area of a hospital on Tuesday the 8th of May. I was there to support a very dear friend who was going through back surgery. The long hours turned into people watching of the deepest kind. I watched as the surgical nurse would come for her patient, call out the name and ask the inevitable question "are you ready?" to which almost every patient would answer "i guess so". I walked out and about the room picking up pieces of conversations and watching nervous family members and friends crumble at the words of a doctor who would try to reassure the person in waiting they did their very best and a full recovery was expected...or hoped for.

I started thinking about how so many of us are patients in the hospital of life, we move about unsuspecting of the time when our name is called up. A whisper is spoken across our world and suddenly we are being prepped for surgery. Our once perceived whole bodies are readied and laid out in preparation for the Doctors handiwork. What once was an unblemished canvas of skin (or life) is now cut into and bleeding. We tremble at the sight of the suffering blood and without knowing we are there to be healed, we cry out in pain because the cut is not restoration to us, only damage. Silently the Doctor works His way into our Spiritual bodies, cutting deeper to remove the cancer of sin or to mend the cause of our pain. Only as we begin to recover do we see the handiwork of the Doctor. We slowly begin to feel the added strength of restoration our Spirit has (unbeknownst to us) been longing for. Suddenly, we are out of the hospital, mended from the brokenness, or the sin, or the deep rooted transgression that was silently killing us...and we gently touch the emotional scar where the Doctor cut so deep and thankfully bow to the sweet grace of a saved life.

For my friend, her call for healing had been sweeping across the clouds of heaven for a time. Isaiah 65:24 says this: Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear. The Doctor had listened, and without us knowing had planned healing for her beyond our comprehension or understanding and at 33, her restoration would be evident in death.

You see if we consistently cry out for healing and redemption, we should not be so surprised when the whisper is spoken and the Doctor without asking removes the pain from which our bones have been so burdened. So often we lament to our Savior without faith that He hears us. All the while the Doctor, the Creator of Healing Himself is waiting in the wings, listening to our every pained cry. We say we have faith, we believe in the One true God, but we never expect Him to really heal us. We might unrealistically dream to be given a magic pill that takes the burden away, but the idea we may have to be cut and bleed for the change to take place never occurs to us. The thought we might hurt in the process of changing is not an option. The possibility we don't even know we are sick before we end up on the Doctors table has never crossed our minds. I'm confident we may never fully understand His way of healing us. We may cry out in prayer, never expecting to be heard, but this I can assure you of: He hears us and before we call, He is ready to answer.

Psalm 10:17 You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry

Psalm 34:5-7 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

I am not one to boast the Doctor has never cut deep into my flesh. I have scars I will cherish forever, some small, some so large they will never or should ever be disguised. I was not anticipating the decision of my Father to take my friend home, but I rest peacefully in His judgment, His wisdom, His skillful touch and His sovereignty. Even in this loss I can feel the scalpel cutting deep into my flesh, digging for whatever He sees needs out of me. So I will praise Him as He works, cling to Him when the pain is too much, and rest in His arms as I heal from His cuts all the while knowing the scar it leaves behind is the change I need.